I believe that I have previously mentioned the fact that certain bad movies are legendary. If you are a connoisseur of bad films as I am, you eventually have to see these legendarily bad movies just to satisfy your curiosity. Maybe you will even reevaluate a bad film, realize it might actually be a hidden treasure worthy of a cult audience.
That’s… not the case with “Leonard Part Six”. It’s not as bad as I’d been led to expect, but it’s still pretty bad.
So the idea is that Bill Cosby is some kind of superhero who has been in a long-running series of films that were confiscated for our own safety, um, I guess. (Funny irony: in real life Bill Cosby so hated “Leonard Part 6” he bought the broadcast rights to it so that it could never be aired on anything outside pay cable.) Gloria Foster (probably best known to people my age as the kindly Oracle) is an evil fruit-addicted vegan megalomaniac animal rights activist who -um- wants to enslave every animal. Yeah. She’s going to do this using this device that runs on NAME BRAND dishwashing liquid. Yes, the product placement is a little insane here. So are the motives of the bad guys.
It’s odd watching the films of the 1980s that have faded into obscurity and seeing what the once-acceptable targets are. You may want to steel yourself if you happen to be an Albanian or a vegan. Or an Albanian vegan…
The Best Parts:
1 minutes in – OK, already, what is this, I don’t even…?
9 minutes in – You know how I know that Coca-Cola once owned Columbia Pictures?
14 minutes in – Uh… wow.
16 minutes in – Further product placement!
20 minutes in – You know, I was wondering how those frogs were going to kill that guy. Could never have predicted this.
23 minutes in – Ho-Yay?!
25 minutes in – See, if your mission is to keep animals from taking over the planet, you are already too late. Like, probably more than 500 million years too late.
26 minutes in – Take off all product placement, for great justice! (OK, I’ll stop pointing it out now.)
27 minutes in – Well, that was pretty to have to look at.
32 minutes in – I can’t even tell if this is supposed to be funny or not.
34 minutes in – Wow… WOW…
40 minutes in – RELEASE THE CRAPPY SPECIAL EFFECTS!!!
42 minutes in – If you break into an abandoned factory place, and this is the crowd you meet with, panic.
44 minutes in – OK. So, I just watched Darren Aranowski’s “Black Swan”. This scene is, all things considered, much more chilling.
48 minutes in – NOT TEH BEEZ!!!???!!!
52 minutes in – I need wine.
55 minutes in – Oh, will you just resolve this subplot already?!?
59 minutes in – DEATH BY BUNNIES!!!
1 hour, 1 minute in – “Oh, no, not again…”
1 hour, 6 minutes in – I like how this machine is going to affect everything from bees to frogs to lobsters to cats to condors to anteaters — but not humans.
1 hour, 13 minutes in – I… wow. Really, this is happening?
1 hour, 17 minutes in – Oh, hey, this is where we came in!
1 hour, 18 minutes in – Um, aren’t the chemicals going to end up in the water supply anyway?
1 hour, 19 minutes in – I would hate to think that somebody working on this movie honestly found this scene romantic.
Things I Learned from this Movie:
* – Trout bark like an angry dachshund.
* – You can flush a human skull down a drain.
* – There are animals, and then there are fish, insects, reptiles, birds, and humans. Which are each something else entirely, I guess.
* – Chefs are not surprised by anything.
* – Albanians are magical gypsy-people.
* – Holograms can do anything, they are like magic!
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Eh, there are a lot of cute animals.
Good Soundtrack? I read the credits for the music and could hear several thousand “Aladdin” fans shouting, “WHA?!?”
Hot Guys? Vampire vegans and dancing bird-people with large talons, if you’re into that.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Effects/Art Direction? Hahahahaha!!!
Drinking Game Potential? Drink every time you feel bad for the animals.
Head Movie Potential? Barring the possibility that the whole thing was made on drugs…
Danny riding a large ratite to victory!
A 5AH Enterprises Film released in 1987 by Columbia Pictures. Written by Jonathan Reynolds and Bill Cosby and directed by Paul Weiland.