“Cool As Ice”, better known as “The Vanilla Ice Movie” looks like it’d be the perfect movie for (to borrow a phrase) Bad Movie Night. You and your friends come together, make popcorn, and lay down the snark on this unsuspecting pop culture oddity. But then, you actually sit down and watch it.
Imagine a really uninteresting drama about a family in hiding from… bad… guys, I guess. Now imagine that move rear-ending itself into an equally uninteresting drama about an honor-school student who has started a relationship with a bad boy. Yes, young equestrian Kat’s family is in terrible, if badly defined danger. She needs a hero. What she gets is Vanilla Ice. Also included: Vanilla Ice’s winning personality.
Remember how I said that there probably isn’t going to be much nostalgia for the 1990’s? Yeah, I kept thinking about that during the first act of this movie…
The Best Parts:
1 minute in – OK, look younger people. THIS IS WHAT RAP WAS ACTUALLY LIKE BACK THEN. THIS IS HOW THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE IN THE WORLD USED TO DRESS. No, I am not messing with your head just because you’re younger and everything’s new to you.
3 minutes in – Well. It just got awkward in here.
6 minutes in – When I start my post-apocalyptic biker gang, our aesthetics will be based off this movie.
8 minutes in – Love is in the air!
14 minutes in – “Yeah, I almost died thanks to one of his stupid, big-dick stunts.”
16 minutes in – And suddenly, we are in a Michel Gondry film.
18 minutes in – And let me guess. You are our antagonists, yes?
24 minutes in – *Sigh.* Stay classy, Ice.
27 minutes in – So do you suppose that this is what Vanilla Ice and his posse thought of the weird new rock music coming out of Seattle?
30 minutes in – “YOUR MUSIC IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!!!”
32 minutes in – I guess you’re welcome, Ice. But keep in mind you never really gave us a choice.
36 minutes in – “Twilight” flashbacks!
39 minutes in – EPIC BATTLE!
41 minutes in – More “Twilight” flashbacks! 😦
43 minutes in – “I am in AWE of you! You are now my ideal for what an adult man should be like!”
45 minutes in – RELEASE THE ELECTRIC SAXOPHONE!
47 minutes in – At this point, it feels like somehow Vanilla Ice conned Janusz Kaminski into filming a giant half music video, half ego-trip for him. 😦
53 minutes in – “But DA-ah-ad! His fits of uncontrollable rage are what turn me on!”
1 hour in – *Sigh…*
1 hour, 2 minutes in – “You are the only ones who REALLY understand me, marigolds!”
1 hour, 4 minutes in – So how long until the little brother gets in trouble and somehow Vanilla Ice gets blamed for it thanks to a stupid coincidence?
1 hour, 6 minutes in – This long.
1 hour, 9 minutes in – OMNOMNOM WE’RE PIRANHAS LOL! (This is how boring this movie is.)
1 hour, 15 minutes in – A-n-d, mood whiplash.
1 hour, 18 minutes in – You are the worst bad guys, you know that?
1 hour, 21 minutes in – “Aw, golly, Ice. We’re sorry we misjudged you. Just cause you dress like you were born and raised in the bargain bin at Garment District.”
“A-yo, Kat! Drop the zero and get with the HERO!!” – Ice (alright, his character’s name is Johnny VanOwen, but whatever), five minutes after meeting Kat and her boyfriend
“Lookie, lookie, lookie in Kat’s black bookie!” – Ice
“It’s like I always say! You can’t put something together unless you take it apart!” – Roscoe, the poor crazy old guy who thinks he is in a completely different movie
“Forget the ‘peace’ stuff, cause I ain’t with it!” – Ice
“—> b kool stay n skool” – Hilarious (or devastatingly sad) end-credit
Things I Learned from this Movie:
* – Sir D. is everyone’s homeboy.
* – With Vanilla Ice, what you see is pretty much what you get.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Eh, the horse is pretty I guess.
Good Soundtrack? Oddly, aside from Vanilla Ice’s contributions to the soundtrack, this is a pretty good selection of early-1990s hip-hop.
Hot Guys? If you ignore the hair. And the giant glasses. And the giant graffiti-spattered jacket. And the being Vanilla Ice part…
Nifty Animation/Effects/Art Direction/Pretty Scenery? This is arguably the best-looking horrible movie I have ever seen. There’s a reason for that though…
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Ice says “Yup, yup” (how badass can you be when you remind people of Duckie from “The Land Before Time”?) Drink again when he says “College girl” like it’s a bad thing.
Head Movie Potential? You will enjoy it for the first five minutes or so, then you will fall asleep.
John riding out into the desert to THINK.
An Alive Film released in 1991 by Universal Studios. Written by David Stenn and directed by David Kellogg. Cinematography by Janusz Kaminski (Ken, I am so very sorry).
Robert VanWinkle, Kristin Minter, Michael Gross, and (for about a minute) Naomi Campbell
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