I have vague memories of going to a Christmas party when I was very very little. Too little to recognize the other cousins attending as my relatives; I’d only met them once or twice before. This was the kind of party where the adults hung around having what could only be assumed to be real fun, while the kids were herded into a room expected to either play together or be entertained by whatever Christmas movie the host could find at the last minute.
At this particular party, this movie was playing. It only added to the awkwardness.
And it is even retroactively adding to the awkwardness, because I had been operating under the assumption that this movie was just some childhood sugar rush induced hallucination. I didn’t even remember this party and now that I have watched this movie as an adult, it’s all rushing back.
As people who respect animation as an art form that should be treated with dignity and fine craftsmanship, I think we are all in agreement that we hate Filmation. But you do have to admire their brass balls. Let’s see, they are one of the cheapest studios of all time and yet they had the stones to make an unauthorized sequel to Disney’s “Pinocchio“. Then they made an unauthorized sequel to Disney’s “Snow White“, and they made a sequel to that sequel… sort of.
The events in this special appear to take place after “Happily Ever After”, though the special actually predates that movie by a good eight years or so. The plot concern’s Snow White’s daughter who looks like Mr. B-Sharp and who is… also named Snow White. (They take a while before they explain this, causing a bit of confusion once they do.) Snow White, um, Jr. escapes the Wicked Queen when she attacks her village and ends up hiding out with seven… (wait for it) giants.
This is about as imaginative as Filmation ever gets.
The Best Parts:
.50 seconds in – Welp, this was over quickly thank goodness!
(And then a second later…)
1 minutes in – *GRUNION?!?* Really?
2 minutes in – Bow’s sh**ty Christmas song is still sh**tyer.
4 minutes in – “Hahahahaha!!! Grunion almost died!”
By the way, these are some deeply horrifying character designs.
5 minutes in – This is where they decide to let us know that we’ve been following Snow White’s daughter all this time.
9 minutes in – “Sure are a lot of ugly people in this town. Ooh, lookit that one!”
10 minutes in – “Woah, Sirius, what happened to you?”
14 minutes in – All the giants seem to be named after the Dwarf names Walt Disney disliked during the “Snow White” pitch meetings. And so we have Jerk-With-A-Heart-Of-Goldy, Boring-Leader-Guy-y, Annoying-Midwest-Steryotype-y, Annoying-Gay-Stereotype-y, Fatassy, Emo-y, and Indigestiony.
This is also where I recognized this special.
23 minutes in – I have to say, I did not expect the Wicked Queen to do this.
24 minutes in – It’s like “Jurassic Park” but boring (and sh**tily animated).
27 minutes in – Why the hell did you have to say anything, Annoying-Midwest-Stereotype-y?
33 minutes in – Yes, because that is what thunder sounds like.
35 minutes in – “Well, better put her out in the garden with all our other human pets.”
38 minutes in – “Release the generic He-Man monsters!”
40 minutes in – What?
44 minutes in – OK, that was cute. Maybe not as cute as Skeletor and the robot puppy thing, but pretty cute.
“Let’s Toboggan down the hill!” – Snow White Jr.
“Oooohhh, Darker Side!!!” – The Wicked Queen’s song
“Oooohhh, she’s sleeping! So softly, so gently, she’s sleeping!” – Snow White Jr.’s song (creative writers, these)
“GIANT HO?!?” – Grunion (yeah, they went there)
Things I Learned from this Movie:
* – There isn’t anything weird about a mouse the size of a polar bear.
* – Giants are immune to electric attacks.
* – Remember how I keep saying not to seal evil in a tree? That goes about a billion times for sealing evil in snow.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? As a concept, the Seven Giants are actually kind of neat, but they got hit with the ugly stick.
Good Soundtrack? Go back and read those song lyrics again.
Hot Guys? Very, very no.
Pretty Scenery? Very, very, very no.
Nifty Animation/Effects/Art Direction? Very, very, very, VERY no.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Snow White Jr. shows the same level of intelligence as her mom.
Head Movie Potential? It’s too short. And the animation is too ugly.
Ugh. Just, ugh.
A Filmation production released in 1980. Written by Marc Richards and directed by Kay Wright.