A long, long time ago (in Internet years, so… maybe 2007), the website Ebaum’s World (not safe for work) posted a particularly strange video clip under the title of “Bad 80’s Music Video”. If you have not seen it, it looks like this.
The clip turned out to be from a direct-to-VHS children’s film entitled “Creating Rem Lezar”. YouTube user Timothy Hand has since discovered a copy of the film, and was kind enough to upload it in six episodes.
That little “Outta Sight” number does not indicate at all just how batsh*t insane this movie is.
Regular readers of this website should know by now that direct-to-VHS films rarely disappoint, but this one’s a doozie. Like our old friends “Josh Kirby” and “Theodore Rex“, just when you think “Rem Lezar” can’t get any stranger, it really does. Written and directed by Scott Zakarin (who also stars, via cheap video effects, as a constantly warping and digitizing giant glowing floating face — yep, it’s that kind of kid’s movie), the film concerns two imaginative children who are utterly misunderstood by the adults in their lives. All the adults are under the impression that being creative and using your imagination is bad and you should feel bad. (WHY is it so common for kid’s movies to depict being creative as a form of Blessed With Suck? I mean, yes it is in some cases, but can’t we hide the kids from that for a little longer?) The kids have one ally, though. The superhero Rem Lazar.
Rem looks disconcertingly like Dave Coulier from “Full House”, except creepier and blue. He appears in the kids’ dreams and sings about the power of love and how he will keep his “little ones” safe. Once the kids learn that they both have the same imaginary friend (because there’s nothing weird at all about that), they decide to take some old mannequin parts and fabric to an abandoned boathouse. There, they create a life-sized Rem Lezar model who comes to life once they fall asleep in his lap.
I promise you, any child who watches this movie is going to be scarred for life — and that’s BEFORE the giant floating face shows up.
Good news is, this movie is short. Really short. It manages to pack a lot of crazy into it’s fifty minute running time. I know I haven’t posted any new reviews in a while, but my faith in the barrel of crazy lurking in the magical world of direct-to-VHS movies has been restored thanks to “Rem Lezar”. “Faaaaaalling in love again…”
The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – Uncle Joey, NO!!! (There, it’s out of the way.)
3 minutes in – If you are a classroom teacher, and you see this happen, it’s time to take a swig from the hip flask.
7 minutes in – There isn’t anything about this movie so far that hasn’t been unintentionally unsettling.
9 minutes in – Evidence of a more innocent time. Today, this period would be overtaken by practice MCAS essays.
11 minutes in – You’ve been friends for a total of five minutes. Isn’t it a little early to be singing a Power of Friendship anthem?
12 minutes in – Oh God, oh GOD!!! I’m having a bad “Today’s Special” flashback!
17 minutes in – “Yes! You have succeeded in summoning me to your dimension and given me physical form! Good work, my minions!”
19 minutes in – SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF MOOSE JESUS, WHAT THE F***?!?
22 minutes in – Oh, Funny Aneurysm Moment alert. 😦
Also, having an extended sequence where the characters narrate the dialogue over still images of their faces = sign that a movie is a class act.
ALSO also, who wants to be the one to break Zack’s heart (see “Things We Learn From This Movie” below).
24 minutes in – I’m starting to worry about New Yorkers…
25 minutes in – And here’s another Funny Aneurysm. 😦
27 minutes in – ~*~ THE MUSICAL NUMBER THAT WENT VIRAL ~*~
And the thing is, it’s probably the most boring part of the movie. Relatively speaking, of course. And still nobody thinks that two kids running around with a creepy blue dude is in any way unusual or cause for concern.
29 minutes in – Here is yet another Funny Aneurysm. Seriously. 😦
32 minutes in – That is some deep thinking, Rem.
34 minutes in – I think the Universe just ruptured in half.
36 minutes in – Please stop calling her your “little one”. 😦
38 minutes in – “Oh no! I fell in three feet of water!”
41 minutes in – “But is there any chance you could maybe assume a form other than a giant floating face?”
42 minutes in – There is absolutely nothing I could add to this.
45 minutes in – Oh, jeez, call that policeman back!
“When you’re in my classroom, THIS is the only world there is!” – B*tchy teacher
“When I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming of a dream!” – Zack
“I do it (punish you) because I love you!” – Ashley’s mom
“Well, mom told me someday I’d be irresistible to girls…” – Zack
“I can touch! I can feel!” – Rem
“Without questions, people would still be living in caves!” – Rem
“‘Why not’ is as good an answer as any given by science!” – Rem (I was actually a little surprised that this didn’t turn into a religious thing.)
“Did you find it in a tree?” – Zack’s mom, upon seeing his shiny new giant Flavor Flav infinity symbol pendant
“The producer wishes to thank for their assistance, the Somerset Institute of Psychotherapy… The National Institute for Psychotherapies…” – Intriguing end credits (especially in light of how this movie will definitely scar a child’s mind)
Things I Learned from this Movie:
* – That mountains could be taller than any buildings is just, like, your opinion, man. Cause see, buildings go straight up and mountains are just slanty ground.
(I promise you, I am not making this up.)
* – New Yorkers are extremely jaded.
* – Love and hate are contagious.
* – Two little kids running around alone with a strange blue man in a cape and body suit is no cause for concern at all.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Just Rem Lezar and the giant floating face
Good Soundtrack? “We got it all and I believe that’s right! / Share our dreams and our passions, the sun shining bright! / We got it AAAA-AAA-AAAAAAALLLL!!!”
Hot Guys? Just Rem Lezar.
Pretty Scenery? Central Park looks lovely.
Nifty Animation/Effects/Art Direction? All the magical video effects of 1988!
Drinking Game Potential? Oh yeah, but remember the movie is really short. Speaking of drinking…
Head Movie Potential? There are scenes in this movie that look exactly like what I see during delirium tremens… 😦
Eh, I expected absolutely nothing from this and discovered one of the strangest things I have ever seen. This is a cult hit in the making that needs more love.
A Rem Lezar Corporation (?!) Film released in 1989 by Valley Studios. Written and directed by Scott Zakarin.
Jack Mulcahy, Courtney Kernaghan, Jonathan Gosh, and the multitalented Scott Zakarin
Mutant Reviewers from Hell
Collector’s Quest (With an oddly touching story)
Superheroes’ Lives! (This superhero movie website is nothing if not thorough.)