Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 12/21/2009

Nessie’s Last Minute Holiday Gift Guide for 2009

giantmoose
This horrifying cheap mechanical moose from Zeb’s Famous Country Store welcomes you to the Quaint New England Gifts edition of my annual Gift Guide!
OK, truthfully, there’s some stuff you can find in normal non-New England stores too, but never mind that now.  Let’s jump right into this with a mug depicting some very naughty moose:

wtfmooseorgy
Moose Orgy Coffee Mug
pseyesbleed
There… REALLY aren’t many other ways this image could be interpreted.  I was actually briefly considering buying this for a Yankee Swap.  Then I remembered that I wanted to keep my friends.
Thankfully, there’s nowhere to go but up…

wtfpoop
Buy Our Elephant’s S**t!

Up into Elephant s**t.  A long time ago, I was looking for my next Sketchbook in a paper supply store and I happened upon a big display somewhat similar to this one, although it was much more mysterious about the true nature of this “elephant paper”.
“Why is it called ‘Elephant Paper’?” I wondered.
And my intuition SCREAMED at me.
Thank you, intuition.
WTF do elephants have to do with Maine, though?  Can you not make paper out of the leavings of our native large herbivores?  It’s been established that people will buy deer and moose poop.

wtftooeasy
Too.  Easy.
Moving right along (dugga-dum, dugga-dum, dugga-dum, footloose and fancy-free)…

wtfllb
Oh, L.L. Bean, you’ve done it again.
This one’s a little more subtle.  What you’re looking at is officially licensed L.L. Bean duct tape.  Which isn’t any better than non-officially licensed L.L. Bean duct tape, but costs about five dollars more per roll.

wtfhddnwtw
High-Definition Toys?
Here’s a closer look at that logo:
wtfhddnwtw2
You know how about seven or eight years ago, everything in the store was suddenly EXTREEEEM?  You could eat EXTREEEEEM peanut butter while drinking EXTREEEEEM bottled water and wearing an EXTREEEEEM feminine hygiene product?
Yeah.  I don’t think people really understood what the word extreme meant and I doubt that these people understand what “HD” means.

wtfjelly
Yum!
I purchased a jar of this.  Just so I could place it on the breakfast table without saying anything, and see what happens when people noticed.
It tastes better than it sounds.

wtfwwchnt
Also.  Too.  Easy.
This is why we can’t have nice things.

wtfpenguins
“You’ve been naughty, here’s the scoop…”

because when you think New Hampshire (or, hell the Northern Hemisphere), you think of the vast galloping herds of wild penguins everywhere.

wtfbeatles
There’s a logistical problem here.  See if you can find it.
This puzzle makes an excellent present for a Beatles fan you secretly hate.  At least until the “Yellow Submarine” remake comes out.
There are no words to describe how much I wish I was kidding.

wtfbarbie
This holiday season, give a Barbie collector nightmares!
WTF?!?
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Then again, this is from the same people who brought us this.  Note the hilarious “but we didn’t know what it MEANS!!!” backpedaling.)

There’s only one person who can save us from the horror!  Moose Jesus!

Sadly, I have yet to find Moose Jesus in the wild…
BUT…
I was in one of our largely interchangeable gift shops…
and I found Bear Jesus.
xbear
I… wow.
But there’s more:
xbear2
Take a minute or two.  Let it aaaall sink in.
It’s an entire Bear Jesus Nativity Set.
I don’t know what I could say to add to this.
I really don’t.  I guess I could point out that there are at least three levels of Furry Confusion going on here.  I could also reflect on the chain of events that would have had to occur for this Bear Jesus Nativity Set to exist.  But it all seems besides the point.

Related Links
RegrEtsy – Horrifying homemade gifts.  (Some images VERY not safe for work.)
The AV Club’s “Screw the Horrid Economy, I Have Money!” Gift Guide – Why does the Uro-Club exist?  Why why why???

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