Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 12/17/2009

The “Screw the Horrible Economy, I Have Money!” Gift Guide

(11/28/08)

This continues to be a banner year, readers.
Once again, a quick DISCLAIMER is in order here: I am not affiliated with any of the people who made or sold these products. This isn’t a paid advertisement, just a collection of insane things they happen to sell.
I found enough insane things for sale this year to cover *two* gift guides; one for those of us who can’t spend over fifty dollars per present, one for those of you to whom dropping $150.00 on a toy is nothing. This week, everything over twenty-five dollars:
Awww...WWF Adoptions
Right on the cusp of under-fifty/over-fifty is this lovely idea from the World Wildlife Fund. You can “adopt” an endangered animal in your kid’s name. The kid gets a cute stuffed animal, and the animal gets some help. Aww.
But what I love here is the wide variety of animals available to sponsor. You can adopt an Elephant, a Tiger, a Polar Bear, a Panda, a Monkey… OR, a Tasmanian Devil, a Giant Salamander, a Vampire Bat…
WTF is this sh*t?WTF is This S**t?
In another alternate universe, my imaginary daughter has received this as a gift from somebody who has heard she likes dinosaurs. And her response, after taking in the spikes, the club-tail, the long neck, and the fangs, is:
“THIS ISN’T A REAL DINOSAUR!!!”
And as the mortified gift-giver sits there in shock, I sit there so proud I could pop. Because, dear readers, anything close to this toy meant to be a modern animal would have to look like this:
Mammal mashup

OK, seriously, WTF?Seriously, Imaginext?
For the love of all the little dino-geeks out there who have had to put up with toymakers acting like it’s the hardest damn thing in the world to, you know, learn about dinosaurs. I miss Michael Crichton too, but put away the “Jurassic Park” DVDs, get a Greg Paul book, and quit making stuff up.
You’re just giving ammo to the Creationists.
(It gets better -or worse. Apparently this toyline has a whole backstory. Just once, I want to see a story in which Herbivores Are Mean. Also, best stupid disclaimer ever.)
Those poor parrots.The Amazing Robo-Parrot!
Proof that Alex died in vain. <:(
Sit on me!Animals to be Sat Upon
There is a fundamental misunderstanding here, I think.
As you can see, these robot animals are very expensive. And they are made for very young children. Now, the thing with young children is that they get bored with things early and they tend to outgrow things. How are you, as a parent who dropped $250.00 on Kota or Smores going to feel when they both end up taking up space in the basement?
Legitimately Awesome.Awesome Thing That Is Awesome
After all the vitriol, I’m glad to end with something that is genuinely awesome. I can imagine about a dozen different uses for this dragon mask. If only it wasn’t so expensive.
Have a great holiday, everyone.

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