We’re about to see what Misaimed Marketing looks like.
Once again, a quick DISCLAIMER is in order here: I am not affiliated with SkyMall or F.A.O. Schwartz or The Popcorn Factory. This isn’t a paid advertisement, just a collection of insane things they happen to sell.
So it’s the holiday season once again. And once again, I have found funny things for sale in catalogs. Only this time, I had the good sense to scan in pictures from the catalogs.
The Amazing TimeMug!
It’s a travel mug. It has a watch embedded in it. The watch is dishwasher safe, in case you were wondering. The picture, really says it all; I don’t know what I could say that’d make it funnier.
The Cookie Diet
You’d expect these to be some kind of gross health-food cookies, but they’re actually chocolate chip. My B.S. detector? Blaring very loud here.
Light Up Palm Trees
Yay! I can reenact “Futurama”!
Upside-Down Stress Reliever
What the hell? Humans are not bats! Our organs are not supposed to be upside-down! That will just add more stress!
Terrifying Alarm Clock
Seriously, if I woke up and saw this thing, I’d be scarred for life. I’d have to beat it to death with a folding chair. Did they honestly not think this design was just a little too Uncanny Valley?
Speaking of which…
Evil Robot Elvis Head!
This Christmas, give the Elvis fan on your list nightmares!
Ah yes, the Evil Robot Elvis Head, presumably from the same people who made the Evil Robot Chimpanzee Head a few years ago. This is where Nessie stopped understanding Elvis fans. If the idea of an unspeakably horrifying Elvis head sitting in your living room isn’t bad enough, here are highlights from the accompanying text:
“You can touch his soft hair and sideburns, stroke his skin (!!!???), feel his black leather jacket, look into his clear baby blues, and marvel as his lips form the distinctive ‘curl’ before he sings in that soulful voice… Press the ‘Alive’ button and Elvis starts a conversation; select ‘Monologue’ and he’ll share moments from his life and times… you can plug in your iPod or other audio source to enjoy your own music in sync with Elvis.”
I don’t know about your moral compass, but according to mine, none of this is okay.
Speaking of compasses…
Iorek Byrnison — cuddly version
We’re jumping from the SkyMall catalog to F.A.O. Schwartz’s catalog, cause some of their stuff is just too good not to comment on.
OK, this is why I want people to stop making movies based upon my favorite books if they clearly do not get said books. Iorek is indeed a fierce fighter, bent on revenge, fallen into disgrace and drunk off his furry rear. He’s basically Inigo Montoya crossed with a bear. Is there an Inigo Montoya stuffed animal for your child to cuddle with? (Dear God, I don’t want to know the answer to that question.)
Come to think of it, the fact that there’s also a cute stuffed animal of the Golden Monkey may be a bit more off-putting. People who’ve also read the books: I’m not making this up. People who haven’t read the books: Yes, he’s a funny little monkey. He’s also a psychotic, creepy little bastard who likes to hurt people. Certainly, your child will want him staring out of the toy box all night long. (And there’s PEZ dispensers of these same characters? And I heard that they totally f___ed up the scene where they find Tony? Which is only the most pivotal scene in the book since we learn just how horrible the villains are and what they’re up to? And… you know what, at some point, it’s just easier to say They Just Didn’t Care.)
Animals In Their Habitats
Oh, the hilarity of this entire page! I’ll accept that Tree Frogs live on leaves. I’m not sure if Dinosaurs of all manner of species crowded together in mud huts. But I love, love, love learning that bears live inside other bears.
And now we jump to a catalog from The Popcorn Factory. Too much popcorn makes my teeth hurt, it makes my stomach hurt, and now it makes my head hurt.
Those are not Snowbirds! Those are Flamingoes! A Snowbird looks like this and I will show you using my powers of Art!!!
Why is it so hard to do the research?
Those chocolates are called Turtles and you know they’re called Turtles! They look vaguely like Turtles! They do not look like small, mischievous Fairies, or like Frank Black’s band! Here is more usage of my Art Tiara Magic to show you what I am talking about!
I am not so indignant about this. First of all, Turtles by any other name would taste as delicious. Also, it comes in a tin with a giant monkey face. And the monkey has a Santa hat. Yay.
On that note, Happy Holidays to all!
Links to These Catalogs:
SkyMall! – The airborne catalog that sells stuff that doesn’t seem real!
FAO Schwartz – Still no sign of the real, live pony by the way.
The Popcorn Factory – I wasn’t even aware there were more than three toppings for popcorn (butter, cheese, caramel), let alone eighteen…