Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 11/25/2009

The Land of Bargain Toys, 2004


So last time, we had insane presents offered by the SkyMall catalog. This year, we are laughing as I say sarcastic things about weird toys I found for sale at bargain stores. I almost feel bad for these poor toys. Sitting on their little shelves, just waiting, waiting, *waiting* for the day when some child will take them home. How would *you* feel if you were a spotted elephant? Or a train with square wheels? Or a… perfectly normal looking doll…?

I will admit that these pictures are fairly crappy. See, at the time, my computer had fallen victim to a nasty virus, and I had to “evacuate” the files from my older computer before I went ahead and “nuked the planet from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure”. (Some day I shall look back on the whole spectacular debacle and laugh. Maniacally. Then I will curl up in the corner and cry.)

So, Happy Holidays to all! Let’s look at some incredibly strange toys!

Why does she have legs?!?I find this incredibly confusing. While I could criticize Disney for, as usual, doing the good ol’ “the Search for More Money” thing, I want to pay attention to something else here. Apparently, we are looking at Ariel as a baby. Okay.


Do not, do FREAKING not tell me that whatever kid gets this toy does not care about this obvious incongruity. When I was the age of the target audience for this doll, I cared a lot about consistency. It would drive me f___ing insane to see Ariel as a human baby and I’d have to come up with a fantastically complicated explanation (perhaps some Mer-people have a land-dwelling intermediate stage in their life-cycle, like newts) to justify it. Please, parents, do not do this to your child.

Also, why does she have Pebbles Flintstone’s haircut?

So many Fatones!You can’t beat Two-For-One bobblehead Joey Fatones.  I’d buy a bunch and have hours of amusement playing “My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding… Woah, my Cousin has Cloned Himself'”

Barbie loves everyone!Damn you, Barbie!  You pick a side and you stick with it!

Ah, marketing frenzies.A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss this little boy.  Who is also a tree ornament.I don’t know if this is coming across in the picture, but we’re looking at a little boy doll (apparently yet another not-offspring relative of Barbie’s). And this little boy doll is holding a Mistletoe decoration. And this little boy doll holding a Mistletoe decoration has got hickeys all over his face.

Not twisted enough for you? Okay, on the box our little boy doll holding Mistletoe and covered in hickeys proudly proclaims, “I’m a tree ornament!” Awesome. (Ness slaps a Tree Ornament Being Pride sticker on her not-real car in support.)

Another F___in' Singing Fish.Why are they still allowed to make these things?

Well, the name "Trollz" is not inaccurate, I'll grant them that.WTF?!?

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!  My eyes!  The goggles, they do nothing!

Holy crap a cat that walks like a human!?!This one is nearly as confusing as the not-a-mermaid baby mermaid above. Okay, we’ve got a cat in a baby carriage. Which is being pushed by another cat. And as evidenced by Barbie’s face in the corner, this is all taking place in the Barbie-verse (or whatever). I’d accept this in the My Little Pony-verse (or whatever) cause the animals are running the show there, but in Barbie’s world this is just weird. I have to admit, a cat who thinks he’s people would have spiced up my dolls’ storylines. Y’ever read “Tobermory”…?

Wait, did I invoke M.L.P.?


And that was the day that Nessie decided that she did NOT have to collect the new Ponies.

(Well, except for the ones who were clearly invented whilst their creators were high.)

Related Link

The First Decemberween – I’d be in a happier place right now if each and every one of my school plays were like this.

Santa’s Village – Apparently, Santa spends summer in New Hampshire.

Ridiculous Christmas Songs – “Pretty much every soundtrack video director these days has the singer dress up in a costume from the movie, which is simultaneously being shown via projector on a curtain in the background that is blowing around with help from a wind tunnel.  When I get rich and famous, I’m going to have a crew follow me at all times so they set up a curtain behind me and show footage of me getting first place in the obstacle course in third grade.”



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