Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 11/11/2009

the SkyMall Holiday Gift Guide!

(11/24/03)

First, a quick DISCLAIMER is in order here: I am not affiliated with SkyMall or Toys “R” Us. This isn’t a paid advertisement, just a collection of links to insane things they happen to sell.
Okay, you may recall that, at the beginning of this year, during the California Adventure story, I mentioned the crazy in-flight magazines I got to read. One of them was a catalog called SkyMall. They had an excellent collection of things that I don’t even believe exist. I made a quick list of their most insane items. If you have a lot of money to spend on somebody who is very hard to buy for, here are some fine suggestions.
Each item is listed by it’s actual name as it appears in the website, followed by it’s product number when available, and my own brief description (mostly on the idea of, “What the hell is this?”). They are listed in order from least to most bizarre.

15) Ferdie Motorsport Bear, No Longer Available – What child wouldn’t want to cuddle up next to Ferdie, the huggable Porshe Bear! Yup, you too can transform your young child into a Yuppie with this cute little plushy covered in expensive sports car logos. Or, maybe Ferdie is for adults? In which case, his reason to exist is even harder to fathom.

14) Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker, No Longer Available – You gotta wonder what this thing looks like in action (it was pretty much exactly what it sounds like). Class.

13) Traditional Brandy Pipes, No Longer Available (they were also pretty much exactly what they sound like) – Before I get into a lot of trouble, let me just point out that if you were to bring these devices back to college with you, people may find other uses for them…

12) Wild Game Sampler, No Longer Available – Beastie Feast!!! (OK, so they’re birds. It’s still funny.)

11) Spectacular Tranquility Table, Item # 680J – Suppose you want a large aquarium and a coffee table. But where to find the room? Well, this handy item is an aquarium AND a coffee table! I’d assume you don’t want people to put their feet up on this.

10) Monkey End Table, No Longer Available – Yeah, it’s another table, but listen to me: It is an end table shaped like a monkey. It’s the next best thing to having your own Monkey Butler!!!

9) Virtual Reality Skateboard, No Longer Available, but once again, exactly what it sounded like – Look at that kid. Just LOOK at that kid. And behold the FUTURE!!!

8 ) Pre-Decorated Pull-Up Tree, No Longer Available but… eh, you get the idea by now – Instant Christmas Trees! And, as I understand the description here, they fold up like umbrellas! That one gag in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” speaks the truth! Chuck Jones IS a God!!!

7) The One Ring – You can buy the One Ring! You can own Isildur’s Bane! It doesn’t say whether this thing will enable you to enslave all the creatures of Middle-Earth, or if it comes with some kind of Soul Corruption Insurance. Whatever it is, it is NOT the most demented movie tie-in item available in this catalogue! Stay tuned…

6) Earpops!, Item # 207996J – Little mittens for your ears! Honestly, if you can look at the picture and not laugh, you are not human.

5) Guillotine Cigar Cutter, Item # NS9220J – Read that description, homes. Really, what could I add to this?

4) Hair Jewels, No Longer Available – Tattoos for your HAIR!!! Why you would want things stuck in your hair is a good question.

3) Bow-Lingual, Dog Translator, No Longer Available so link goes to the other insane things for dogs – Wouldn’t you just hear “HEY! HEY!!! HEY!” or “I have just met you, and I love you!!!” all day long?

2) King Tut Life-sized Cabinet, Item # FY-1059J – Wow. That photograph is just priceless. There is also a mini-version available, perfect for your CD collection! (Somebody else can make the Bangles, Earth Wind and Fire, and Sun-Ra references.)

1) Green Destiny Letter Opener, No Longer Available so link goes to other crazy letter opener swords – Remember how much you loved “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”? How beautiful and moving it was? And the magic and the flying? Now you can live the magic vicariously any time you open your mail!!! This is the greatest Demented Movie Tie-In Item ever.

HONORABLE MENTION!
Now, this one’s from Toys “R” Us. It is the Disturbing “Wiggles” Action Figures! This one is called Murray (I’m linking to him because he had the lowest customer rating and I felt bad). The other four guys are available as well, along with their stupid animal friends and the dread Captain Feathersword.
Any bets on how many psychological problems today’s small children are going to have once they reach adulthood?

Related Links:
Disturbing Auctions! – That poor, poor alligator.
Captain Wacky’s Boatload of Yuletide Cheer – No, really. Where do they find these cards?

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