Halloween kicks ass! Seriously, you get to wear a costume and you get free candy. As a kid in the suburbs, this is as close (legally) as you’ll be able to get to a Mardi Gras style fervor. I mean come on! Costumes! Annoying your neighbors! Spooky stuff!
FREE! CANDY!!! For Free!!!
But to score candy, you will need a costume.
So this is for you kids who can’t think of an idea and are running low on time. And you don’t even have to thank me, I’m doing this all out of the goodness of my heart.
Just don’t come banging on my door during the good episodes of the “Buffy” marathon, and we’ll both be happy.
Idea #1 – Jackson Pollock Painting
What you’ll need: Oversized shirt, paint in a lot of different colors.
Splatter the paint all over the shirt. Let it dry. Wear it.
Idea #2 – Ralph Bakshi’s Balrog
What you’ll need: Gorilla suit (just the head will do), cute furry slippers, dark red fuzzy cozy sweater, pretty pretty Fairy wings (befriend a Club Kid).
Wear all the different costume parts at once. Move in slow motion and go “RAWR” a lot.
Idea #3 – William Weigman Photograph
What you’ll need: Clown suit, old baseball cap, old stuffed animal dog head.
Wear the clown suit. Sew the stuffed dog head to the brim of the cap and wear it. Ask for a lot of grant money.
Idea #4 – Timely and Topical (a few years ago) Weather Balloon!
What you’ll need: Mylar balloon (stop at the party store), hat, string.
Tie the balloon to your hat and wear it on your head. Smile.
Idea #5 – Werewolf on a New Moon Night
What you’ll need: Whatever you’re wearing right now.
Just bark occasionally.
Idea #6 – Mad Scientist’s Failed Experiment
What you’ll need: Two different costumes borrowed from friends.
Where the top half of one costume and the bottom half of another. You could be a Kitty-Rabbit, or a Clown-Ninja!
Idea #7 – Œtherkin
What you’ll need: Embarrassing outfit from your first job or replica of same.
Go around dressed as a pizza delivery person or something but introduce yourself in the most regal, dead serious voice you can muster as Nementh Elf-Friend, the Golden Dragon King.
Idea #8 – Hysterical Twilight Fangirl
What you’ll need: T-Shirt made by Twilight fangirls, for Twilight fangirls (check here) or DIY replica of same.
Insist on referring to any vampires at the party as Edward and demand that they bite you. Pitch a fit when they refuse. Pitch a bigger fit when anyone says Twilight sucks…
Idea #9 – Zombie Backup Dancer
What you’ll need: Whatever you’re favorite zombie in “Thriller” wears.
Well, we know everyone and their mom and their dog is going to be Zombie Michael Jackson this year. They’re going to need a posse.
Better yet, if you’re a loud screamer, get a big poofy wig and go as Ola Ray!
Idea #10 – Nick Carter Mummy
What you’ll need: Toilet paper, cute little mittens, spiky blond hair (or a wig, or fake fur), annoying little brother (optional)
Put on the wig and mittens, wrap yourself in toilet paper. Every so often, ask people if you are (a) original (b) the only one (c) sexual (d) everything you need, you better rock your body now!
Idea #11 – No Face
What you’ll need: Snuggie, creepy mask
Just sneak into the party uninvited. Eat all the food. Lurk. Mad props if you leave gold around.
Idea #12 – Dog Costume for Humans
What you’ll need: A dog costume that would fit you or replica of same.
OK, this one is going to take some explaining.
This (naughty language warning) is what a typical dog costume looks like. The dog’s front legs (anyone with even a glancing familiarity with comparative vertebrate anatomy knows that those are your dog’s arms) become the costume character’s back legs. And the costume includes floppy little arms that come to rest on your dog’s shoulders. Since dogs can’t wear masks, the costume character’s entire head sits on top of a little hat or something. The effect is like a weird dog-centaur with two heads.
Can you imagine how bizarre a costume like that would look like on a human? So what you’re going to do is take a worn-out costume idea (say, Zombie Michael Jackson) and wear a two-headed dog-centaur costume of it. Have fun freaking everyone out in a way that’s hard to put into words.
Idea #13 – Lumpy Space Princess
What you’ll need: Either an oversize big lumpy pink sweater or a normal pink sweater with pink balloons taped everywhere, star forehead tattoo, Burbank accent
The great thing about “Adventure Time” (and the cartoon itself is the Greatest Thing) is that many of it’s characters translate so easily to last-minute costumes. If you’ve got a green backpack and blue shirt, you only need to grab some felt and sew up a hat for Finn, and to be Marceline, you only need black leggings (or skinny jeans) and a ratty grey shirt.
Idea #14: Rem Lezar
What you’ll need: Blue mullet wig with yellow headband, blue sweatsuit, yellow cape
At the party, sing to everyone in a way that makes everyone kind of uncomfortable. And argue that mountains are not as tall as buildings.
Idea #15: Bird of War
What you’ll need: Feather boa, white shirt and camo jeans, white baseball cap painted to look like an eagle face
Because everyone else is going to be Green Man.
Have a safe and fun Halloween, kids! And remember to interpret people’s baffled reactions to these costumes as wonder and awe at your genius and creativity.
X-Entertainment: “the Worst Witch” – The legendary four page long analysis on why this is one twisted kids’ movie.
Captain Wacky’s Boatload of Scary Stuff – Where do they find these cards anyway?
GeekDad’s Cheap Halloween Costumes – LOL and ❤ at the Carl Sagan idea.
Update Your Halloween Costume – Sexy Vader and Zombie Alice in Wonderland will haunt your nightmares.