Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 09/09/2009

“Graffiti Bridge” review

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called “Graffiti Bridge”.
Yes, there was a sequel (kinda sorta) to “Purple Rain”. I remember vaguely seeing posters and ads for it back in middle-school. It seems as if the entire world has decided to forget that it exists.
It isn’t that bad. Or maybe I was more experienced with Prince’s special brand of crazy thanks to “Purple Rain”. I will admit that the film is far more entertaining if you have ever watched “An Evening With Kevin Smith”. (If you have not, here is Smith recounting his adventure with Prince. This film resonates very differently if you watch this first.)
Anyway, in this movie Prince is still having problems with Morris Day and some other stuff happens. I didn’t really care because the music was so awesome.

The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – Forrest Gump unavailable for comment.
5 minutes in – And the cute little freckled face of pure evil returns!
8 minutes in – Ooh, that was a dickish move.
10 minutes in – KEYTAR!!!
11 minutes in – And yet, still more entertaining than “8 Mile”.
14 minutes in – PALM TREE CRUELTY!!!
15 minutes in – The Title Significance Fairy outdid herself in this movie.
17 minutes in – …


Psy-yi-yi... duck?
18 minutes in – Wha?!?
20 minutes in – “Oh, I’m just a boring, telegraphed love-interest who can teleport.”
22 minutes in – The Infamous Zion Rave!!!
27 minutes in – “Not until the very end of the movie!”
35 minutes in – “Wait… Are you listening to my internal dialogues? Those are private!”
42 minutes in – And once again, the Prince rescues the fair maiden. Yuck.
44 minutes in – And it’d be much more romantic if he didn’t carry her like a rucksack.
51 minutes in – And then THAT happened.
54 minutes in – Release the Wind Machine!!!
59 minutes in – INSTRUMENT CRUELTY!!!
1 hour, 4 minutes in – This sh** just got serious.
1 hour, 6 minutes in – Faaaaanservice!
1 hour, 12 minutes in – And then THIS happened.
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Everyone gets to sing a song in this movie!!!
1 hour, 17 minutes in – And, finally, THAT happened. And this plot twist was… unexpected.
1 hour, 25 minutes in – Awww.
1 hour, 27 minutes in – “The movie isn’t over yet! I’m doing my damn solo!”

Classic Quotes:
“Lay down your funky weapons and join us on the floor!” – The New Power Generation
“You know what your problem is? You’ve got too many problems is what your problem is!” – Some Lady

Things I Learned from this Movie:
* – Above all else, George Clinton is conceptually too complicated to throw in as a random cameo.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Just Prince.
Good Soundtrack? Yes, actually.
Hot Guys? Well, yeah… if they had less interesting tastes in clothing.
Pretty Scenery? It’s an alleyway and a couple of clubs. And the titular bridge, of course.
Nifty Animation/Effects/Art Direction? No.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Prince’s lyrics continue to make sense to nobody aside from himself.
Head Movie Potential? Eh.

Rating:
Danny rating (2)
Danny with an elaborate keytar and a ridiculous jacket.
Credits
A Warner Bros. Film released in 1990. Written and directed by Prince.
Cast
Prince and his ego, naturally.  Also Morris Day, Ingrid Chavez, Tevin Campbell, Melody Cool, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, and George Clinton.
Related Links
IMDB page
“My Year of Flops” review

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