Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 08/26/2009

“Moonwalker” review

We started the older reviews with Michael Jackson, it’s only appropriate, I think, to kick off the new reviews with him.
It goes without saying that this film plays very differently now. Everyone familiar with “Moonwalker” remembers the second half: the crazy extended short film, very loosely centered around the “Smooth Criminal” video, that looks like what “The Goonies” would have looked like if Spielberg and Donner had experimented with every drug in the world while tossing plot ideas around. (For the benefit of those of you who have not yet seen this film, I wouldn’t dare spoil anything, so expect the Best Parts to be vague about what happens.) The first half gets lost in the shuffle, but it’s a very nice retrospective of Jackson’s career.
And, like I just said a minute ago, it plays rather differently now. I’d be surprised if this wasn’t destined to be re-released on DVD eventually, but until then, let’s watch via YouTube.

The Best Parts:
27 seconds in – “A long, long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away…”
1 minute in – Oh, I’m already sad now. <:(
3 minutes in – Hey, am I the only one who misheard this as, “and no moustache could’ve been any clearer”?
7 minutes in – I always liked this kind of “slices off a loaf of bread” style of clay-animation. Imagine how long this must have taken!
9 minutes in – “N.I.M.H. is coming!”
14 minutes in – I have to say, I don’t know how I would react if a guy did this in front of me…
16 minutes in – I can’t decide if this is adorable or creepy.
18 minutes in – Weeeee!!!
20 minutes in – BURLY BRAWL!
23 minutes in – Did Steven Spielberg just turn into the Creature from Black Lagoon? Is this because Michael Jackson was still angry about the whole “Hook” debacle? Discuss.
25 minutes in – EPIC CHASE SCENE!
27 minutes in – “Flying over my town! / Flying over some stuff!”
31 minutes in – Augh it’s the Nome King! Oh, wait.
34 minutes in – I secretly suspect that this is what really happened to Neverland Valley…
35 minutes in – And here we are at the 35 minute, 42 second mark, where That One Sequence Everyone Remembers starts. And hoo boy, is it a Big Damn Epic…
37 minutes in – “Aww, the first time it isn’t cloudy or raining when the Perseid Showers are visible and I only see one lousy meteor and HOLY SH***!!!”
38 minutes in – How’s this for mood whiplash?
40 minutes in – “No, it’s okay! It’s just Shelob’s Lair!”
42 minutes in – “We aren’t BUGS you moron!”
44 minutes in – Good job giving Michael’s position away, Katy. (Incidentally, her name is Katy, not Annie. Weird.)
48 minutes in – Super-Awesome Transformation Sequence GO!!!
49 minutes in – Yeah, the kids will be perfectly safe in this abandoned pool hall.
50 minutes in – Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
52 minutes in – I agree, to a point, with the Nostalgia Critic. This is ALMOST as awesome as “Thriller”.
56 minutes in – Except for this part which is a full minute or two of WTF.
58 minutes in – Weee!
1 hour in – O.o
1 hour, 2 minutes in – Still more entertaining than the “G.I. Joe” movie.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – W-h-a-a-a-a-a-t???
1 hour, 6 minutes in – They still need to build this thing in Vegas.
1 hour, 8 minutes in – Still WAY more entertaining than “Transformers 2” “Michael Bay Learns How to Add and Subtract!”
1 hour, 9 minutes in – “Now I use my SECRET WEAPON!!!”
1 hour, 11 minutes in – Now, in happier circumstances, I’d have the “Simpsons” quote, “I have to go. My planet needs me” here. It’s… not funny now. <:(
1 hour, 15 minutes in – “Except for Ben, and he’s cool.”
1 hour, 17 minutes in – Still more entertaining than “Across the Universe”.

Classic Quotes:
“Land of the free, home of the weird.” – A scale model of the Statue of Liberty (it’s that kind of movie)
“I just wanna get everybody high, man!” – Frankie “Aimlessly Evil in All Directions” LiDeo

Things I Learned from this Movie:
* – Hawks and owls live in caves.
* – People who wear upside-down ponytails are evil.
* – Joe Pesci is awesome.
* – Nobody has any idea what the heck the verses in “Come Together” are about.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Eh, just Michael. He transforms into a bunch of different things, though, so it’s like getting a half-dozen cool creatures for the price of one.
Good Soundtrack? Hell yeah.
Hot Guys? Just Michael.
Pretty Scenery? The mind of Michael Jackson. Enough said.
Nifty Animation/Effects/Art Direction? Very yes. Will Vinton is awesome.

Drinking Game Potential? Take a sip anytime the kids rain blah blah about the lucky star.  Toast Michael and take another sip when you hit a scene or line that plays differently now.
Head Movie Potential?
Oh my yes.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Once again, I have to be on the fence here. Jordan in his M.J.-esque gangster movie hat.
Credits
An Ultimate Productions Film released in 1988 by Warner Bros. Home Video. Written by Michael Jackson and David Newman and directed by Jerry Kramer, Jim Blashfield, and Colin Chilvers.
Cast
Michael Jackson, Joe Pesci, Sean Lennon (!?!), Kellie Parker, and Brandon Quinton Adams.
Related Links
IMDB page
Agony Booth Review
Total Media Bridge Review
Nostalgia Critic Review
Angry Videogame Nerd Review – Not of this film, but of the tie-in game. Which exists.

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