Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 07/26/2009

Rejected Dungeons and Dragons Monstrous Manual Characters


THAC0 is WAC0, if you’re a teen!
I was browsing in the Harvard Cooperative, and thumbed through the long-rumored second volume of the controversial newest version of the Dungeons and Dragons Monstrous Manual.
Already I have probably lost a few people.
Okay, then. Help For Not-Geek-Being People: This is a big, big book that describes all kinds of different people and creatures and whatever that live in the D&D universe and that your role-playing character might meet at some point during a game. You with me so far? Okay, well as I understand it (I am no gamer, but I do like their illustrations), D&D had been using essentially the same format and set of rules since it’s inception in the late 70’s. They changed everything quite radically a few years ago, much to the confusion and annoyance of pretty much everybody. And it seems that they’ve kept on changing. Evidently the book I was looking at was a “reload reboot”, and if you can follow that without getting a headache, here’s a dollar.
Anyway, the Manual has illustrations of all the characters in it and many of them are surprisingly inventive takes on classic mythical creatures. However, most of the creatures were invented by the makers of the game.  From my very brief glance at their menagerie, it may be fair to say that they’re really reaching (how many different undead things or part-bear things do you really need?)
The creatures you will see now are each based off of a Manual character I thought was just too much.  They will have their stats a la the second (I think) edition Monstrous Manual and will be illustrated with my “bored waiting for a table at dinner that one time” colored pencil sketches.


A more noble steed has never been found.
Climate/Terrain: Any temperate land
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Herd
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Omnivore
Intelligence: Low (5-7)
Treasure: Nil
Alignment: Neutral Good
Number Appearing: 2-5
Armor Class: 7
Movement: 12
Hit Dice: 3
T.H.A.C.0: 17
Number of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 1-3/1-3/2-8
Special Attacks: Jump, rake, Crow
Special Defenses: Surprised only on a 1
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: Large (5-6 feet long)
Morale: Average (8-10)
X.P. Value: 270
Appearance: A magnificent hybrid creature, the Chickenhorseraccoon combines the strength and speed of a horse, the cunning and intelligence of a raccoon, and the general good-nature of a chicken.
A Chickenhorseraccoon has a thick coat of fur and feathers. Males sport spurs on their hind ankles. They are comparable in size with a small horse and can be used as mounts for short, lightweight characters.
Combat: Chickenhorseraccoons are fine fighters; usually they rear on their hind legs and attack with their fearsome raccoon fangs and stout fore-claws. Males can also pounce upon an enemy and rake with their sharp spurs (2D6 damage). If this fails, a male Chickenhorseraccoon can use his special Crow attack. This rooster’s Crow is harmful only to demons, devils, and other evil creatures, who are affected as by a 12’th level Fear spell.
Habitat/Society: In the wild, Chickenhorseraccoons always travel in groups, and are usually encountered as a mated pair. Females lay one egg at a time (rarely two), and chicks are able to walk about within an hour of birth. A baby Chickenhorseraccoon stays with it’s family for most of it’s life and reaches maturity in about five years.
Ecology: Chickenhorseraccoons are native to temperate forests and grasslands, and can be found in rather large numbers in the wild. This gives them a marked advantage in defending their young and hunting for food. Domestic breeds can be found wherever people are inclined to not feel silly with one of these as a companion animal. Chickenhorseraccoons are omnivores and domestic specimens must be fed meat once in a while. Eggs sell for 1,000 GP. Hides can be made into highly unique capes or coats, which go for around 180 GP.
Known Variants: Rumors persist in the southwest areas of the Realm of a related animal called the Chachalacaburrocoatimundi, but this has not yet been proven.
Notes: Sometimes it looks as if the various Monstrous Manual editions are having a competition to see just which one will come up with the most ridiculous hybrid creatures. I think the one that “got” to me was a Gryphon/Ogre thing. Seriously, what the hell?

Chickoree Warden
Mmmm... coffee...
Climate/Terrain: Temperate meadows, fields, roadsides, sidewalks, backyards
Frequency: Uncommon
Organization: Solitary or Nosegay
Activity Cycle: Day
Diet: Special (soil, water, nutrients)
Intelligence: Very (11)
Treasure: Special (see below)
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Number Appearing: 1-5
Armor Class: 9
Movement: 6
Hit Dice: 1/2 + 1
T.H.A.C.0: 25
Number of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 1/2
Special Attacks: None
Special Defenses: None
Magic Resistance: 20%
Size: Tiny (usually less than a foot tall)
Morale: Average (8)
X.P. Value: 35 (If you think you can stomp on a cute little talking flower and live with yourself afterwards.)
Appearance: These unusual fairy creatures, who are probably closely related to Dryads, look a little like Sprites and more like the common wildflower they tend to.
Chickoree Wardens live wherever Chickoree plants are to be found – which is anywhere there’s enough dirt for their seeds to get a roothold. They can communicate with other fairy creatures and with plants.
Combat: The Chickoree Warden attacks by slashing at enemies with it’s teeny-weenie claws and kicking with it’s itty-bitty feet. This is about as harmful as having a handful of flowers thrown at you (and not very hard).
Habitat/Society: The Chickoree Warden is well aware of how embarrassingly wimpy it’s attack is, and so it is a natural pacifist. The only real confrontation occurs when somebody is seen picking their flowers (adults are scolded much more sternly than little kids).
Ecology: You see, the Chickoree plant IS this fairy’s “treasure”. If asked politely, it will allow you to harvest a few roots, which is said to make for a fine coffee. (As you might have guessed, Chickoree Wardens have a very complicated relationship with Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons.)
These fairies are actually plant-animals. They can walk and talk, but they are also asexual and take their nourishment from the earth and sun as their flowers do.
Notes: Wardens are a kind of fairy. And what they do all day is protect the trees and the flowers and other creatures of the botanical persuasion (this little fellow’s area of expertise is the humble Cichorium intybus). Wardens are different from Nymphs.

DRAGON, Blue-Eyed Stupid
Young Nessie Seals Her Fate...
Climate/Terrain: Temperate forest and fresh water
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Solitary or Clan
Activity Cycle: Day
Diet: Unrepentant Carnivore
Intelligence: Average (8-11)
Treasure: See Habitat/Society below
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Number Appearing: 1 or 2 to LOTS (Clan gatherings are rare, but memorable…)
Armor Class: 5
Movement: 6; Fl 21 (C); Sw 15
Hit Dice: 7 (base)
T.H.A.C.0: 11
Number of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 2-8
Special Attacks: Breath weapon, tail bitchslap
Special Defenses: F-in’ RUN/FLY/SWIM (movement rate increase in a manner proportionate to the character’s anxiety)
Magic Resistance: 21%
Size: Medium (average 4-5 feet long)
Morale: Unsteady (5-7)
X.P. Value: 1,400 (But is it really worth the subsequent guilt trip?)
Appearance: These little Celtic water dragons are shy and pacifistic, but prove to be friendly and helpful once you gain their trust. They do enjoy company; their circle of friends is invariably made up of whatever creatures can put up with their whimsical, rather silly nature.
Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons are mottled green at birth; as they age their prominent, carp-like scales take on rather pretty shades of emerald green. Males may be more bluish in color, but both sexes sport a golden iridescence when in good health.
Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons speak Common, Good Dragon, and blah percent of hatchlings can blah with any blah blah blah BLAH blah blah.
Combat: Oh, you’re kidding, right?
These dragons are SISSIES! That can’t be emphasized enough. Here’s the Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragon version of an epic battle with a larger opponent, an Orc for example: Spew fire in the Orc’s face, then f-ing FLY.
Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons are capable of being angry at people, but this takes a lot. An angry Blue-Eyed Stupid will attack with her foreclaws (usually aiming for the face) or a tail-bitchslap attack (aims for the lower legs). The dragon will then storm off and be all pissy for… about an hour. That’s about how long it takes to forget what the big deal was in the first place.
Breath Weapon / Special Powers: A frightened Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragon is likely to use her breath weapon on impulse: it’s a line of fire as long as the dragon and roughly a foot long at the end. This is considerably more painful at close range and Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons like to use it as a flyby attack.
Other than that, this here dragon hasn’t got much for Special Powers. Tail-bitchslap is fairly self-explanatory (think of porcupines and stegosaurs). While males sport short horns, these are exclusively for display.
New magic powers as they age? Man, I don’t know, I guess water-based ones make sense. Maybe light-based ones as well. Whatever.
Habitat/Society: Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons collect a truly eclectic “stash” or “hoard” of treasure. They like shiny objects, nostalgic mementos, books, interesting natural items, and essentially anything they happen upon that strikes them as particularly unique or amusing. While not as obsessively vigilant as big dragons, a Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragon will be noticeably reluctant to let other creatures take a look at “My Stuff”.
Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons like to live near water and are excellent swimmers. They don’t always actually live in the water, but enjoy lairs that overlook lakes. They’re rather social creatures and are well-known for having very close ties with their various friends and relatives. In fact, a Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragon is very protective of her extended family; this dedication (especially towards children, siblings, parents, and very tight friends) often overrides the dragon’s non-combative nature.
Ecology: Blue-Eyed Stupid Dragons are technically omnivores, but they prefer meat, especially fish. They are notoriously fond of coffee, and they are rumored to have their own blend of nearly dangerous strength. But like the unique species of South Pacific pigeon who lives on one tiny, predator-free island but “commutes” for hours to a different island where their favorite fruit grows, the Blue-Eyed Stupid will go a long way for a Dunkies’ fix.
These dragons get along well with all good and neutral aligned creatures, but go out of their way to avoid the attention of lawful evil beings.
Notes: You know, I just now realized that this would have made for a hilarious “about” page.  D’oh.

A F___ing Parrot
Climate/Terrain: Tropical and subtropical jungle and forest
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Family or flock
Activity Cycle: Day
Diet: Omnivore (prefers fruit)
Intelligence: Low to Average (5-10)
Treasure: Nil
Alignment: Neutral Good
Number Appearing: 4-10
Armor Class: 7
Movement: 1, Fl 24 (B)
Hit Dice: 3
T.H.A.C.0: 20
Number of Attacks: 1
Damage/Attack: 1
Special Attacks: Nil
Special Defenses: Pretty sparkles
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: Small (no larger then one and a half feet wingspan)
Morale: Average (8-10)
X.P. Value: 15
Appearance: Intelligent, social, and brightly colored, this creature is…
Duh, it’s a parrot.
Combat: A F-ing Parrot can deliver a respectable bite with his large, sharp beak. Usually, the bird avoids violence and just spreads his pretty sparkles around.
Habitat/Society: F-ing Parrots travel in large flocks and their family ties are very tight. In fact, a domestic F-ing Parrot may “adopt” his human and will fight anyone who appears to pose a threat.
Ecology: F-ing Parrots feed almost exclusively on fruit and nuts, and they regularly supplement this diet with meat and mineral-rich clay. Studies have shown that a F-ing Parrot is at least as intelligent as a three-year-old human child. Their intelligence, speed, and feistiness leaves them with little to fear from other jungle residents.
Notes: Now, this one I am not making up. There really is a page and a half long entry about a *parrot*.
Okay, so he’s a MAGICAL parrot, but with a really lame special power. Something about shedding fairy dust wherever he flies. Whoop-dee-doo.

Oh sh**...
Climate/Terrain: Any subterranean
Frequency: Very rare
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: People
Intelligence: Barely (1-2)
Treasure: Special
Alignment: Chaotic Hungry
Number Appearing: 1
Armor Class: -11
Movement: 9
Hit Dice: 250 hp
T.H.A.C.0: -5
Number of Attacks: 1 or (if it’s rusty) 2
Damage/Attack: 2-24
Special Attacks: Crap-your-Pants
Special Defenses: Never surprised
Magic Resistance: 25%
Size: Gargantuan (“I always loved that word…” up to 100 feet long)
Morale: Fearless (19-20)
X.P. Value: 25,001
Appearance: The Killingyoubeeste is the most terrifying creature in all the Realm. It is a massive quadruped the size of a three-story building. It’s got huge claws, swordlike fangs, poison stings, and is basically the kind of monster the biggest, oldest, meanest Deep dragon pees himself at the thought of.
Combat: Simply happening upon this monster and looking up at it is enough to trigger it’s special defense of Crap-your-Pants. Any character below Level Seven immediately voids their lower intestines upon encountering the monster. The fiend then slams its clawed forepaw onto the character, flattening him. End of argument.
Habitat/Society: Killingyoubeestes are born killing machines. They are often called into being to guard the belongings of evil entities with particularly sick senses of humor.
Ecology: Nobody has given that much thought to whatever role that the Killingyoubeeste plays in the natural world. “You see”, the wizards are often heard to say, “that would mean having to get close enough to study the thing. Be our guest.”
Notes: Remember what I said about the various Monstrous Manual editions trying to come up with the most ridiculous hybrids?  That goes double for which one contains the scariest Big Bad; the monster with the most insanely ludicrous assortment of teeth, claws, horns, spikes, spurs, venom, gnarly powers, ect. ect. ect.
Totally off-topic, but “Pokemon” has recently gone just as crazy with it’s Uber-level characters.

Legendary Moose!
Climate/Terrain: Temperate and subarctic forest
Frequency: Unique
Organization: Solitary
Activity Cycle: Any
Diet: Not applicable
Intelligence: Genius (17-18)
Treasure: Special (see below)
Alignment: Lawful Good
Number Appearing: 1
Armor Class: -5
Movement: 24
Hit Dice: 12
T.H.A.C.0: 4
Number of Attacks: 3
Damage/Attack: 1-6/1-6/1-12
Special Attacks: Righteous Charge
Special Defenses: Takes only half damage from normal weaponry
Magic Resistance: 90%
Size: Large (nearly 10 feet at the shoulder)
Morale: Elite (14)
X.P. Value: 9,000
Appearance: Known as the Forest King or Antlerfax, the Legendary Moose is a powerful nature spirit that manifests in our world in the majestic form of a great golden moose.
Combat: Legendary Moose is able to sense evil creatures from nearly 50 yards away. His appearance is so astonishing, that the very sight of Legendary Moose causes 5-8 points of damage in all lawful evil creatures within sight. Any evildoers too foolish to run away at this point are subjected to Legendary Moose’s Righteous Charge attack. Because of the powerful magic of Legendary Moose’s antlers, he has a +2 bonus to hit, and evil opponents may suffer up to 3-36 points of damage. Legendary Moose never harms good creatures and he can also cast spells as a 7’th Level druid priest. He never speaks, but can understand Common and Sylvan.
Habitat/Society: Legendary Moose appears in our world as a defender of all woodland denizens. He may aid adventurers if asked properly and if you happen to be faced with something powerful and extremely evil. However, he does not casually interfere in the lives of mortals.
Ecology: If Legendary Moose happens to bestow upon you one of his golden antlers (which he sheds periodically – remember he’s a powerful angel but one who takes the form of a *moose*), do NOT take the gift lightly. You’ve the equivalent of three unicorn horns in your hot little hand, buddy.
Notes: Turns out that there aren’t many entities in the D&D Universe that can’t be an Avatar of some powerful deity or other. Legendary Animals are like their more normal relatives, only they’re better than you.

Sheep Folk
Climate/Terrain: Temperate or cold hills and mountains
Frequency: Rare
Organization: Herd
Activity Cycle: Day
Diet: Herbivore
Intelligence: Low to Average (5-10)
Treasure: Nil
Alignment: Neutral good
Number Appearing: 5-20
Armor Class: 6
Movement: 12
Hit Dice: 6 + 3
T.H.A.C.0: 15
Number of Attacks: 2
Damage/Attack: 1-8/1-8
Special Attacks: Charge
Special Defenses: Male’s head is AC 3
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: Small (four feet tall)
Morale: Unreliable (4)
X.P. Value: 120
Appearance: Sheep Folk are just that: anthropomorphic ovines. Related to Fauns and Satyrs, they are short, stocky, and covered in fluffy wool. Males sport stout, curled horns. Females may also grow horns although these will be shorter and do not curl as much.
Combat: Sheep Folk aren’t particularly brave, but they’re fairly energetic fighters. They usually do not carry any weapon more elaborate than a staff of wood or metal. The simple reason being, it’s really more effective to just drop on all fours and charge. They will never engage an enemy that obviously can’t be defeated in this way.
Habitat/Society: Sheep Folk live in small family groups, not unlike a herd. They are led by whomever is oldest and toughest in the family, male or female. They keep to themselves, but they speak Common and are said to be very assertive and good-humored.
Ecology: Life is good for a family of Sheep Folk. Basically, they spend all day long milling about eating grass, grooming each other’s wool, and gathering shed wool for textile craftwork. There are no better cable-knit sweaters in the Realm than those made by the Sheep Folk. Traders who pass through the hills and mountains ruled by Sheep Folk exchange medicine, tools, and other sundry goods for these wonderful sweaters.
Known Variants: Hell, I don’t know. Llama Folk? If we’re going this far, Emu Folk?
Notes: I browsed the Monstrous Manual book backwards. All the characters are listed in alphabetical order. So the first new creatures I met that day were the Yakfolk.
So so far, we’ve had “Who can design the silliest hybrid”, “Who can design the most ludicrous Big Bad”, and now “Who can come up with the most ridiculous Anthropomorphic Animal-Person”.  Seriously, Yak-People?

Related Links!
The Book Of Ratings: D&D Monsters – (Part one of three, hit “next” to continue.) “Blink Dogs are chaotic good… they can aid the party, provide information, and look really surprised and upset when you kill them to search their spleen for emeralds.”
Something Awful: WTF D&D?!? – “They’re manta rays as smart as people that tend to be religious vampires. That is conceptually too complicated to throw out there as a random encounter.'”



%d bloggers like this: