Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 07/23/2009

Unintentionally Hilarious Local Print Ads

(7/2/02 and 9/2/06)
I live in New England, and it is an interesting place. Our biggest exports include blueberries, lobsters, Lyme disease, and Red Sox fan-dumb. The most distinctive features of the New England wilderness are the vast groves of pine trees, rocky cliffs, and outlet malls.
Another is the free local paper.

Go into a restaurant, outlet mall, or record store (they still exist up here), and you’ll see a large variety of free newspapers. I mean the obvious ones like the Phoenix or the Weekly Dig. I also mean papers that carry very local news.  Extremely local news. Which means that they would happily print a headline like “Thunder Scares my Dog”.
The latter makes more sense when you realize that, since they’re just giving these papers away, anyone can get printed. AnyTHING can get printed as well, including some wonderfully insane advertisements. Here are some gems I found and scanned over the years.  I’ve blurred or cut out the addresses and such, but I’ve linked to their respective websites where available and therefore I can assure you these are real places. I’ve actually visited some of them. Most of them are in southern Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire.  Let us start with…
"Mad-Ness, Ebirah, Charlie's: Nankai no Dai Ketto!"
That’s wonderful. Now whenever anyone does a Google search for Lobsters of Unusual SIZE!!!, this page will be one of the first on the list. Proud! Proud I am that “Mad-Ness Monster” and “Lobsters of Unusual SIZE!!!” will forever be synonymous from now on.
"All kids love Log!!!"
I… damn. Can you imagine piling the kiddies in the station wagon and heading of for hours of amusement at a place called *Logs* of Fun? It has an INDOOR CLIMBING WALL!!! It’s also got one of the goofiest logos imaginable.
Wait, what if “Logs of Fun” is meant to be a pun off “Lots of Fun”? By God… it’d be like being trapped in a Xanth novel! AIGH!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!
No effing way.
Windham, ME, had a trés interresant moment in the national spotlight.
Actually no. No it didn’t. NOBODY outside my family has seen, much less heard of “the Spitfire Grill”. I’VE never seen the whole thing! I can’t tell you if it’s a good movie or not. I don’t even know what it’s about!
Well, watch it anyway if only to catch the “special thanks to the town of Windham, ME” end credit. And what was the Windham location chosen to be immortalized on the big screen? Not the Antique store district. Not the pretty woods and lakes. Not the way out of place industrial parks. It was the jail. The Cumberland County Minimum Security Prison.
Oh… my… God… Can somebody out there make a movie set in, say, one of the thrift stores up here? That’d be a big boost to an insecure little city. Anyways…
Smell like a moose!
I really think they could have given their company’s name a bit more thought…
The housing market sucks, LOL
That goes double, nay, triple for these guys.
"Annie are you Walkin?"
Good Lord, what can I possibly add to this? Maybe the fact that Windham is, aside from the home of the Cumberland County Jail, basically a rest stop on the way between Sebago Lake and Portland. Maybe the fact that FARK would be all over the curious misspelling of “walk-in”. Other than that, I’m spent.
And why wouldn't you want to?
I’m going to keep this one short and sweet. Seeing the merry and straightforward “Eat At Silly’s!” logo in the paper brightens up my day.
LOL Segway
Half a decade later, it’s still funny. Heck, ten years from now, twenty years from now it will still be funny.
It's a love affair.Got absolutely nothing to add to this aside from the fact that it is the greatest advertisement I have ever seen.  I have since seen the used parts store in person and… it is pretty much exactly what you’d expect.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not associated with any of the stores or other businesses mentioned here, and the following isn’t meant to be an endorsement or the opposite. Please don’t hurt me.

Related Link:
X-Entertainment: Matt’s Bogus Bar Harbor Journey – I’m a long-time X-E reader (you are welcome to take a sip whenever I cop their style) and this is one of all-time my favorite articles there. But how is it that in ONE WEEKEND, Matt and his friends noticed more distinctly New England idiosyncrasies than I have in thirty years? Anyway, make sure you look at their lovely illustrations.



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