When I was little, I never made it all the way to the end of this special. And you have to understand, I have always been a shameless Christmas maniac (not in the weird way). I’d watch *anything* over the holidays.
It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was never a big fan of the Hanna-Barbera television series. Given that I watched a lot of classic Disney and Looney Tunes during my formative years, that makes a lot of sense.
Or maybe it’s because most holiday films have at least a little zip. This one seems to go on forever. The pacing is glacial (I guess that at least fits the Christmas theme) and so much of the story is so blatantly derivative of nearly every Christmas story ever told.
It also didn’t help that I watched this whole thing on something called In2TV. Try to watch anything longer than a “Gumby” cartoon and you’re in trouble. Try watching something just under two hour long and…
The Best Parts:
10 seconds in – Yellystone Park?
1 minute in – Maybe I was a naïve kid, but up until right now I never noticed how much of an annoying stereotype Snagglepuss was.
2 minutes in – And there’s your plot setup.
4 minutes in – Why is it always a Freeway/Bypass?
6 minutes in – Hey, he’s like Lestat!
11 minutes in – That’s holly!
14 minutes in – My God, we’re not even a quarter of the way through.
15 minutes in – Ah, finally. The plot.
21 minutes in – OK, so how are we supposed to interpret that?
23 minutes in – That’s just asking for trouble.
24 minutes in – The “Ice-Scraping Machine” is THE SAME THING as the “Snowplow”. Did they think we wouldn’t notice?
26 minutes in – Isn’t it awful that I want to see this kid get run over by the Ice-Scraping Snowplow?
29 minutes in – “I love shorts! They’re comfortable and easy to wear!
36 minutes in – I have to admit it, I like Mrs. Throckmorton’s open dislike of her bratface nephew Snively.
38 minutes in – This was the point where I felt as though they must have had a dozen different and separate plot ideas for this special and decided that each and every last damn one of them had to be included. (“Yogi becomes a bellhop!” “Yogi becomes a ski instructor!” “Yogi and friends fight an evil little mountain man!”)
40 minutes in – There’s another whole hour of this!
41 minutes in – But we’ve been hearing a female voice up until this point when only the all-male Yogi’s gang was onscreen. What gives?
43 minutes in – Is he Herman the Hermit or Kermit the Hermit?
48 minutes in – Mrs. Throckmorton is stuck on the ski lift. There’s a nice metaphor for the whole show.
49 minutes in – And Yogi has fallen asleep in the middle of the action again. Ugh.
50 minutes in – Intermission Time!!!
During the Intermission, I shoveled a foot and a half of snow off the front walk, filled the bird feeder, and even built a whole family of snow people. And *none of this* was as tedious as the special.
51 minutes in – OK, why the hell does Cyndi love Yogi so much? He’s totally indifferent, and BooBoo (a nicer person all around) has an obvious crush on her, so what’s wrong with her? (Bonus: fetish fuel musical number.)
55 minutes in – Humans are bastards. 😦
57 minutes in – Just imagine the things Herman/Kermit could do if he channeled all this anger and focused it at something truly worth getting riled up about.
1 hour in – SHUT THE F*** UP, SNIVELY!!! I know he’s supposed to be an insufferable brat, but if we’re supposed to be rooting for his eventual (and inevitable) redemption, then he should have a *few* redeeming qualities.
1 hour, 2 minutes in – By almost drowning him? By giving him hypothermia?
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Too damn bad I can summon NO sympathy at all for this character.
1 hour, 5 minutes in – Right, they’re getting a lot of mileage out of this one vehicle. I missed what they were calling it now.
1 hour, 7 minutes in – Just in case you weren’t clear on the point that Snively and Herman/Kermit are total irredeemable asses, here’s an endless, pointless song to inform you.
1 hour, 9 minutes in – I never in a million years would have figured that out.
1 hour, 10 minutes in – That’s not a Reindeer.
1 hour, 15 minutes in – Right, that’s it. Who the hell names their child Snively?
1 hour, 17 minutes in – You have GOT to be kidding. They’re just going to set Herman/Kermit free.
1 hour, 19 minutes in – There is seriously something wrong with Cyndi.
1 hour, 21 minutes in – OK, that gag went on way too long.
1 hour, 22 minutes in – IT NEVER ENDS!!!
1 hour, 25 minutes in – That’s not a Catfish.
1 hour, 27 minutes in – I’m going to go right ahead and bang my head against the wall. Would you like to listen to me bang my head against the wall?
Ow. That did not help.
1 hour, 29 minutes in – You know, there’s something seriously wrong with this whole crowd.
1 hour, 31 minutes in – But there is still something terribly wrong with Cyndi. She’s just stolen one kiss from Yogi and is singing a three minute song about it.
1 hour, 33 minutes in – Boy, those kids are probably hopelessly confused now. And we’ve got another gag that’s going on way too long.
1 hour, 36 minutes in – At this point, In2TV crapped out on me completely and I missed the last five minutes or so. Classic.
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“To make sure I get what I want, I buy my gift for me!” – Doggie Daddy (Why does he not have a more interesting name than that?)
“I can always sing, you know, ‘Clementine’.” – Huckleberry Hound
“You know something, Herman? They’re not dumb-dumbs. WE’RE dumb-dumbs!” – Snively
“Don’t fall asleep.” – Yogi
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Nobody seems to care that Reindeer look almost nothing like temperate zone deer (like White-tails) and look more like big sheep with antlers instead of horns.
* – Don’t ever interrupt a bear’s hibernation. If you do, everyone will suffer.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? No.
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? No.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when they insist on misidentifying holly as mistletoe. Drink again for every animation mistake or reused footage (careful with this one.)
Head Movie Potential? No.
Jon, after having been woken up in the middle of a good long nap.
A Hanna-Barbera Productions Film made in 1980. Written by Willie Gilbert and directed by Ray Patterson.
Daws Butler, Don Messick, and Janet Waldo.