Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 07/01/2009

“The Wizard” review

(4/21/09)

You know, people around my age have deconstructed this film so many times that I could just post their best quotes instead of writing my own review. Or I could just post the best/most notorious quotes from the movie itself. But I think I’ll just point this out instead:
Fred Savage’s career includes TWO movies about Magical Autistic People. (See also “The Boy Who Could Fly“.) Make of this what you will.
The Best Parts:
5 minutes in – So, is Fred dressed like Ash from “Pokemon”, or is Ash’s character design based upon Fred Savage’s outfit in this movie? Discuss.
11 minutes in – “We might freeze, but we won’t go hungry! The big issue is where we should poop after eating all that Wonder Bread.”
13 minutes in – And maybe, before going on your road trip, you should take a few minutes to plant the tree that is in the back of your truck.
18 minutes in – ZOMG he just said “Ass!”
20 minutes in – That poor tree. 😦
23 minutes in – Gosh, he’s just like the T-1000. Except not at all.
24 minutes in – I am not here to make fun of people on the Autism Spectrum (both this movie and “The Boy Who Could Fly” have inadvertently done that enough.) So, dear reader, you may make your own very bad Animals in Translation joke.
27 minutes in – Ah, foreshadowing.
29 minutes in – “Oh not at all! I like being exploited!”
31 minutes in – AAAAAAAUUUUUUGH I HATE THIS SONG!!!
33 minutes in – So of course they’re going to play the whole damn thing. 😡
34 minutes in – OMG NKOTB WTF LOL!
35 minutes in – No words need to be said here. Just check out life before the Wii.
39 minutes in – More foreshadowing!
41 minutes in – My mother feels your pain, boring dad character.
45 minutes in – So… what happened?
47 minutes in – OMG JIMMY SAID A COMPLETE SENTENCE! Psy-yi-yi... duck?
Having learned everything about Autism from these two Fred Savage Magical Autistic People Movies, I had no idea that Autistic people could do that! (I am kidding of course, but you get my point.)
53 minutes in – The incredible Calling Tech Support Montage!
58 minutes in – That poor, poor tree. By now, it is my favorite character.
1 hour, 1 minute in – Oh God, I cannot UN-SEE it!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!
1 hour, 2 minutes in – This is where the target audiences’ heads a-splode.
1 hour, 3 minutes in – Dude! And in the days before game saving even!
1 hour, 7 minutes in – Hey, why are they so hung-up on Lucas anyway? They only saw him win ONE GAME. A racing game, at that. Plus the little bastard uses a Power Glove.
1 hour, 15 minutes in – Woo Moira!!! You go girl!
1 hour, 18 minutes in – “Um, is this part of the tour?”
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Gee, maybe you should have stayed in the theater then?
1 hour, 22 minutes in – “It’s called an elevator. It’s a machine that helps you travel from one floor in a building to another floor.”
1 hour, 24 minutes in – This is where the target audiences’ heads a-splode but for different reasons. (Or the same reasons. You never know.)
1 hour, 35 minutes in – So what happens when a custodian finds it?
1 hour, 39 minutes in – Aw, how did I miss “The Right Stuff”?

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“CAAALIFOOOOORNIAAAAAA!!!” – Jimmy
“I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.” – Lucas
“Yeah? Just keep your Power Glove off her!” – Corey

~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“I live by the groove! / If I can’t feel it baby, I can’t move!” – Paul Carrack

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Once again, Autistic People are Magic.
* – Autistic people have the unerring directional sense of a pigeon.
* – And, once again, they don’t talk. Ever. Except for maybe one word.
* – To get an Autistic child to respond to you, particularly when they are caught up in one of their utterly heartbreaking intense OCD-like moments, grab them by the shoulders and scream at them to listen to you. It is totally a good idea to do this in real life.
* – Buying a new home is exactly like saving a princess. Do not question the Fred Savage logic!
* – Hitch-hiking essentials (aside from your towel) include a Halloween mask and a giant rubber spider.
* – Christian Slater is the human form of the Foreshadowing Fairy.
* – Salesmen who listen to Tom Petty are good at arcade games.
* – There need to be more places out in the western deserts called things like “Fuzzy Little Ducklings Valley”.
* – Bikers and Truckers = Angels.
* – Universal Studios was a much trippier place in it’s first few years.
* – Costumed characters really like harassing tourists.
* – Woody Woodpecker does not make for a cute costumed mascot.
* – Zsa-Zsa Gabor and Pee-Wee Herman were in a movie together.
* – Studio tour guides will not interrupt their spiel for anything. Even obvious child endangerment.
* – Gamers are clairvoyant, able to know instinctively where even the least intuitive shortcuts in a game are.
* – “Super Mario Bros. 3” is the best installment in the series. I know, but this movie made me want to download it and many other classic games for my Wii’s Virtual Console… holy cow, this movie is still doing it’s job!

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Well, there’s cool creatures in the games I guess.
Good Soundtrack? All the hits of 1989 in one convenient package!
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? The many, many roads of the American Southwest.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? It’s 1989 Nintendo.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Jimmy says, “CAAALIFOOOOORNIAAAAAA!!!”

Head Movie Potential? It is a video game movie, so…

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Jordan in that rumored New Kids video game that caused so much playground grief back in the day.
Credits
A Universal Studio Film made in 1989. Written by David Chisholm and directed by Todd Holland.
Cast
Mario, Luigi, Princess, Toad, Bowser, Link, Zelda, Ganon, Samus, Ridley…
Oh wait. I meant, Fred Savage, Christian Slater, Beau Bridges, Jenny Lewis, Luke Edwards, Jackey Vinson, and Steven Grives as the way-too-enthusiastic contest announcer.
Related Links
IMDB entry – Incidentally, Robert Rodriguez had nothing to do with this movie. (Do a search on IMDB to get the joke / source of my momentary utter confusion.)
The Original “Wizard” Website – An oddly formatted fansite.
X-Entertainment review
Greatest Movie EVER review
The Truly Epic Angry Video Game Nerd Review – Not safe for work, but once you get home… oh my. Words cease.

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