This batch of reviews I’m uploading now were part of a Christmas Movie Marathon at the original Realm. And yes, it’s weird posting these Christmas movies in summer.
I saw this movie when I was seven; I just watched it again for the second time ever. I’ll admit nostalgia was very kind to it. It is very 80’s and extremely campy.
BUT, it has the most awesome cinematic version of Santa’s toy factory and village. David Huddleston is totally adorable as Santa Claus. And what other Christmas movie has a scene where humans get high (really) off Fairy Dust?
The Best Parts:
1 minutes in – Christmas Sheeps!
3 minutes in – Why, if it isn’t the extremely rare Foreshadowing Fairy action figure!
8 minutes in – “Dear sweet Donder… do you remember the way to the Great Valley?”
9 minutes in – Lord Asriel unavailable for comment.
10 minutes in – “No offense meant, lady. It’s just that we’re a one-gender race.”
12 minutes in – Oooooh…
14 minutes in – Believe me, this is amazing when you are seven.
19 minutes in – “On the whole, I’d rather know what I’m getting into, thanks.”
21 minutes in – Wait… this movie isn’t what started the Reindeer Food thing, is it?
For those not in the know (i.e., people who have never volunteered in school classrooms and thus are less likely to suffer from a bad case of Glitter Lung), Reindeer Food is the kind of thing that some adults do for your classroom that is *supposed* to be cute and festive — and ends up being just a big, huge, unspeakable pain in the ass for everyone involved.
It is a bag of oatmeal mixed with glitter (or colored sugar if the adult has half a brain). Inside the bag is also a small card with a message for the child receiving the glittery oatmeal. It’s message in so many words implies that Santa won’t come to the small child’s house if he doesn’t dump the contents of the bag in his yard rather than, say, the classroom floor while the child was trying to open the bag to read the message and/or play with the shiny stuff.
Whoever came up with this REALLY needs to sit and think about what they hath brought into the world.
23 minutes in – “Yeah… we still don’t know what’s going on.”
26 minutes in – Hey, it’s the Great Prophet Zarquon again!
31 minutes in – “SANTA RAPS!”
34 minutes in – CAT CRUELTY!!!
37 minutes in – Give Santa a granola bar this year, kids.
39 minutes in – Meet the two children who are about to hijack the plot.
Because, you know, young children need child characters in movies where the lead character is an adult because they are incapable of relating to any character over the age of twelve. Even Santa.
42 minutes in – Because why shouldn’t a toy making machine look like this?
45 minutes in – “Aw, they always pick the guy who gets top billing.”
46 minutes in – The infamous McDonald’s Scene!
47 minutes in – “Oh, that made me feel good! I’m gonna set up some Hobo Feeders!”
50 minutes in – Hm. Even when I was seven, this scene felt awkward.
52 minutes in – And that, friends, is what a Funny Aneurism Moment looks like. 😦
55 minutes in – This scene’s awkward as well, but I’d just like to point out how much the girl looks like another Christmassy character…
57 minutes in – SANTA CLAUS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!
1 hour, 1 minute in – DOLL CRUELTY!!!
1 hour, 3 minutes in – Yeah, those are the children. The big ones -and yes, this is a sweeping generalization but it sadly tends to be true- are bastards.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Technically, you *are* a Fairy.
1 hour, 8 minutes in – “Whatever. You wanna snort this Fairy Dust with me?”
1 hour, 9 minutes in – Puce is actually a little closer to Patch’s jacket with a bit more yellow ochre. Trust the artist.
1 hour, 11 minutes in – Although it’s been said, many times, many ways, please continue to have a trippy Christmas.
1 hour, 12 minutes in – ELVEN PIMPMOBILE!
1 hour, 17 minutes in – And now for a montage of humans getting high of Patch’s Fairy Dust.
1 hour, 22 minutes in – I am going to have to find some way to celebrate Christmas Two (March 25) this coming year.
1 hour, 23 minutes in – Ah! He’s Bat-Child!.
1 hour, 27 minutes in – “I’ll have you stay in this cold, dank basement until you get better!”
1 hour, 29 minutes in – Uh… no.
1 hour, 31 minutes in – Yeah, that sounds nice… wait?
1 hour, 33 minutes in – “We are going to intervene and help this one kid who is suffering! I was overpowered by the adorable 80’s kid stationary!”
1 hour, 35 minutes in – “WTF are you TALKING about, kid?”
1 hour, 38 minutes in – Reverse Disney Villain Death!
1 hour, 41 minutes in – Firefly the Pegasus unavailable for comment.
1 hour, 42 minutes in – “Things were bad but now they’re good forever! We’ll adopt Joe AND we’ll take Cornelia in for the year. Her uncle won’t mind, what with him being in orbit and all!”
Classic Quotes and Excerpts:
“I don’t want to sleep! This mattress is so comfortable, I don’t want to miss a minute of it!” – Mrs. Claus
“If you give extra kisses, you get extra hugs!” – Patch
~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“Every Christmas Eve, we are part of the Miracle. / Every girl and boy shares the joy if they believe. / You can share it too. Just believe in the Miracle! /You will carry Joy with you every Christmas Eve!” – Opening Song
“Thank you, Santa! Thank you, Santa! / When it snows, we know you’re near!” – Kids singing (in the Northern Hemisphere, presumably)
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Arctic Elves are also known as Vendegum
* – Many Christmas tropes and traditions were well established before Santa Claus came along.
* – Donder and Blitzen were the original members of the Reindeer team.
* – The Great Prophet Zarquon has an awesome beard.
* – Mrs. Claus came up with the Naughty List idea..
* – Autumn follows winter.
* – Elves can teleport, unless they really need to.
* – Elves have a different design aesthetic than humans. Most humans.
* – Elves shed Fairy Dust. (That HAS to be why it looks like everything in Santa’s workshop looks like it got into a fight with glitter and lost.)
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Yes.
Good Soundtrack? It’s OK.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? Yes.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Yes.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when there is a horrible Elf pun.
Head Movie Potential? Magic. Fairy. Dust.
Donnie and a couple of bags of magical Fairy Dust…
A TriStar Pictures Film made in 1985. Written by David and Lesley Newman and directed by Jeannot Szwarc.
David Huddleston, Dudley Moore, John Lithgow, Burgess Meredith, Judy Cornwell, Christian Fitzpatrick and Carrie Kai Heim.
KringleQuest – A very extensive (and very blue) fansite.
The Legendary Onion AV Club Review – “I hope someday to be rich enough to smoke giant cigars while cackling maniacally.”