Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 07/01/2009

“Pinocchio’s Christmas” review

(12/17/08)

Really? NOBODY else is creeped out by real boy Pinocchio’s crush on a non-talking puppet?
This is the second strangest third strangest extremely loose adaptation of/sequel to “Pinocchio” I saw this year. And no, not the original Carlo Collodi stories. (Eventually you wonder if people even know what a book is.) This is, instead, a cash-in on Disney’s version.
Leave it to Rankin-Bass to make an already complicated story even more so by throwing Christmas into the mix. The result is one of their stranger offerings. But I am always suspicious that there must be a Rankin-Bass special even trippier than the one I am currently watching.

The Best Parts:
1 minutes in – Holy sh*t, a talking cat!!! And a puppet that walks like a man!!! 😀
3 minutes in – I hate to admit it, but yes, that is true. Teachers do tend to phone it in around the Winter Solstice.
5 minutes in – OK, it’s time to ask one of the uncomfortable questions raised by this story: Does Geppetto have some kind of mental disorder?
He’s lonely enough to treat a goldfish and a cat as his children. He carved a hunk of wood into the shape of a person and started treating it as a human. And now he’s speaking to his own reflection as if there’s a second person in the room. Damn, Geppetto is one of the most tragic figures in literature!
6 minutes in – Ah, awkward gifts.
8 minutes in – This is why you need to stay in school children. Oh, and I don’t remember ever watching this, but I remember this one song and that creepy hairy man with the pink puppets.
12 minutes in – … … … WHAT is he controlling the alligator puppet with?
13 minutes in – Oh God, oh GOD, it’s Twinkle again! Noooooooooooo!!!!!
Technically, she’s called something else. And this film was made before “Emperor of the Night“. But the same creepiness ensues.
15 minutes in – THIS IS F***ING CREEPY. It’s not cute. It’s not sweet. It’s f***ing creepy.
18 minutes in – Note that it takes a while for Geppetto to question the fact that the wood is talking to him. Where’s my college Psyche 101 text?
21 minutes in – You know what’s crazy? This actually is kind of close to the book.
24 minutes in – Poor Cat! 😦
28 minutes in – Psy-yi-yi... duck?
… … … Look. At. The. Fairy. Lady’s. Footmen. W. T. F?
29 minutes in – The thing is, the truth isn’t any less crazy.
32 minutes in – You depress me, Pinocchio.
34 minutes in – Hey, wasn’t this guy in “Mad Monster Party?
36 minutes in – “Welcome to Malfoy Manor!”
37 minutes in – AUGH WTF? pseyesbleed
38 minutes in – “You do have time to listen to my fist-pumping ode to the Power of Love, right?”
40 minutes in – Seriously? Huh.
42 minutes in – Wait, this took place *during* the original story?

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Do you know that when an expert carpenter does his best work, it tickles the wood?” – Pinocchio

~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“Gonna get lucky! Knock on wood! / Knock on wood! Knock on wood! / Gonna get lucky! Knock on wood! / Gonna be rich an’ famous!” – Pinocchio

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Christmas is a time when everyone laughs and sings and laughs some more.
* – Pit bulls are frightened of Magical Lands.
* – Wood gets ticklish.
* – Don’t f*** with lightning.
* – You can still avoid being sued by Disney if your characters are JUST different enough.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on with the footmen.
Good Soundtrack? It’s Rankin-Bass. You know what you’re getting into.
Hot Guys? Unless puppets do it for you.
Pretty Scenery? It’s Rankin-Bass.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? It’s Rankin-Bass.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Pinocchio and Not-Twinkle creep you out.

Head Movie Potential? It’s Rankin-Bass.

Rating:Danny rating (2)
That same Showtime Kids Danny doll that fell into the wrong hands. Except now he’s being repurposed as one of the Three Wise Men.
Credits
A Rankin-Bass Film made in 1980. Written by Romeo Muller and directed by Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass.
Cast
The usual people associated with these specials. Nobody particularly unusual this time.
Related Links
IMDB entry
“The New Adventures of Pinocchio” – The very first show ever made by Rankin-Bass. No, this special isn’t a sequel or anything.

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