You might want to read “Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night” and “Pinocchio’s Christmas” first. Point is, I wish I could say this was the only crazy unauthorized sequel to Disney’s “Pinocchio” I’ve seen this year (as in a twelve-month period of time, not a chronological year), but obviously it’s not. It is, however, the only one where Pinocchio doesn’t have a creepy crush on a non-talking girl puppet. So at least it has an advantage there.
If you watch the original introduction on the DVD of this movie, you’ll see a short documentary about space exploration and astronomy circa 1964. You have the option of watching this with commentary, and when you do, you’ll hear producer Fred Ladd talk about astronomy in the ’60’s with the starry-eyed enthusiasm of a fourth grader who has already decided he would like to be an astronomer when he grows up. And that “Oh my God, isn’t this awesome?” level of excitement explains why he decided to set his animated adventure film in space
It does not explain WTF Pinocchio is doing in an adventure film set in space.
Seriously, what is it about “Pinocchio” that compels people to make bizarre unauthorized sequels about him? (And I’m referring to the Disney film of course. I’m willing to bet none of the producers of unauthorized “Pinocchio” sequels have ever actually sat down and read the printed-page Carlo Collodi book. It’s actually *weirder* than the Disney version; so weird that it’d probably blow their minds.) I don’t think I can bring myself to do another one of these. Anyway, this one is probably the best. The animation is quite nice, and while the story is baffling and all over the map, it’s hilarious for that. Seriously, why is Pinocchio in space? There’s no reason for him to be in space!
NOTE: I should mention right now that this movie was made in Belgium.
The Best Parts:
1 minute in – There… is NOTHING I could say that would make that opening narration more hilarious. Listen: it comes very, very close to being *funnier* than the opening narration of “Theodore Rex“. See “Classic Quotes” below.
4 minutes in – I’d have to say no. No I would not.
5 minutes in – Oh man, if Geppetto says he’s going to carve a girl puppet out of that log, I give up already.
7 minutes in –
MUTATIONS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
FLYING DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!
EVERYTHING DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!
10 minutes in – “I think you know exactly what I mean / When I say it’s a Schpadoinkle Day!”
14 minutes in – “Holy crap, a talking fox!!!” :D
By the way, the good news is, this is the last song. Yes, each of the terrible songs in this movie are packed in the first fifteen minutes.
20 minutes in –
HYPNOSIS DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY EITHER!!!
24 minutes in – Because why not have a humanoid testudine – a Mutant Turtle, if you will – from Space in your Pinocchio movie?
25 minutes in – And… now this thing is happening… whatever it is…
30 minutes in – So here’s a long and crazy sequence where Pinocchio and Nertle fly around and Fred Ladd tells us everything he knows about space through their dialogue. Yeah…
33 minutes in – Oh, I know that building. You don’t want to mess with the guy who built it. Besides, he already knows you’re coming.
37 minutes in – GIANT MARTIAN CRABS!
38 minutes in – But where’s the bowl of petunias? :D
42 minutes in – ABACABA HOLY BELGIUM!!!
(You’ll understand if you watch this.)
44 minutes in – It’s like I can hear Fred Ladd’s biology teacher crying hysterically.
45 minutes in – “Bah, your theory is totally unbelievable! In this world of giant Martian animals and Space Whales and talking animals and a puppet that walks like a man.”
47 minutes in – Uh… huh…
49 minutes in – Will you stop it with the hypnosis thing? >:(
50 minutes in – “Your theories continue to be unbelievable! In this world of giant Martian animals and Space Whales and talking animals and a puppet that walks like a man.”
53 minutes in – A WHALE ISN’T A BELGIAN FISH!!! >:O
1 hour in – Hurm, given the surprisingly Belgian personality the Blue Fairy has in this movie, I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned Pinocchio into a real boy right when he was outside the ship.
1 hour, 2 minutes in – And that almost went in a very bad direction…
1 hour, 5 minutes in – Damn you sequel setup!
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“The adventure you’re about to see is based on a true portrayal of outer space! And could actually happen – to a puppet come alive!” – Screamingly funny opening narration
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Raggedy Anne and the Robot Who Humps Things from “Robot Chicken” = OTP.
* – “The same mutation that produced flying ants, flying squirrels, and flying fish has resulted in the evolution of a Space Whale!”
* – Space Whales are irritated by the sounds given off by our satellites. In Space. So if we want to get anywhere in space, we’ll have to kill all the Space Whales.
* – Beatnicks were l-l-l-l-like, groovy, man.
* – Hummingbirds can shapeshift. When they are hiding behind leaves. So yeah.
* – To hypnotize someone, wave your hands at them and scream, “You’re a Penguin!!! A Penguin!!! YOU’RE A PENGUIN BECAUSE I DEEM IT SO!!!”
* – Mars is a girl name.
* – Crabs live in deserts.
* – Space Whales are a kind of fish. A Stupid Belgian Space Whale Fish.
* – You can live with a big gaping hole through your spinal column. In Space.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Space Whales! Giant Martian Crabs!
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? The Mars part is kinda cool.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Yes.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when they drop a Space Fact. Drink twice when, in light of all the Space Facts, the writers Fail Biology Forever.
Head Movie Potential? Oh God yes. There is no way it wasn’t made on drugs either.
A Jordan Showtime Kids doll that is in Space. Because it can be. Because SHUT UP IT IS AWESOME!!!
A Belvision film released by Universal Studios in 1965. Written by Fred Ladd and Norm Prescott and directed by Ray Goossens.
The Unknown Movies Review