Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/30/2009

“Underworld” review

(10/23/08)

It’s like Romeo and Juliet with Vampires and Werewolves.  Except not at all.
Oh why can’t the Vampires and Werewolves get along! Why can’t they understand each other?
I should steal all their radishes.  (If you get the reference, you are awesome.)

The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – “We should be inconspicuous, us two inhumanly pretty black-clad hunters of Werewolves who can survive leaps off tall buildings.”
5 minutes in – No! A Huruvu’s gone rogue!
7 minutes in – I see their Werewolves are… different. Really.
16 minutes in – “Get into this Dress of Fanservice already!”
18 minutes in – Because they can?
21 minutes in – “ROWFFF!!! *Whimper whimper!*” 😦
26 minutes in – “God, I am SUCH a BADASS!!!”
Also, more Werewolves with Super Climbing-All-Over-The-Walls Action. *Sigh.*
28 minutes in – Yeah, run after them in human form! Capital idea!
29 minutes in – “AWRF!!!”
33 minutes in – So the very act of turning into a Werewolf will make you hate Vampires?
35 minutes in – “Selene’s got a fetish for humans! And I’m gonna make fun of her for it forever!”
39 minutes in – “Ooh, pretty *and* dangerous! Just like me!”
44 minutes in – “Man, all I can think of is eating a whole sheep!”
46 minutes in – Faaaaaaaan-service!
55 minutes in – “F*** I’m tired!”
59 minutes in – Aww.
1 hour, 9 minutes in – No! Nelly Fertado!
1 hour, 15 minutes in – “NOOOOO!!! NOWOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I hate this song!!!”
1 hour, 19 minutes in – “Uh-huh. Then what happened?”
1 hour, 22 minutes in – “…And all AWESOME!”
1 hour, 32 minutes in – Wait, whose on whose side now?
1 hour, 34 minutes in – So… not once during the production did anyone think that the wall-crawling, hairy-backed, giant-headed Werewolf design was a little… stupid looking?
1 hour, 37 minutes in – “Ooh, this is awkward…”
1 hour, 44 minutes in – “At your mom’s house! HA! I sure showed you!”
1 hour, 46 minutes in – What the hell is that?
1 hour, 50 minutes in – Woah, THAT was pretty badass!
1 hour, 52 minutes in – Ah, sequel hooks. (I can’t bring myself to watch the sequel, sorry.)

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Whether you like it or not, you’re in the middle of a war that has been raging for the better part of a thousand years.” – Selene

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Werewolves and Vampires need night vision goggles. Except when they don’t.
* – CPR works on Vampires.
* – Mix a Werewolf with a Vampire and you get… a teleporting “DragonBall Z” villain.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
The Vampires are pretty cool. The Werewolves are too until they transform.
Good Soundtrack? Blah.
Hot Guys? Michael is very cute. Until he turns into the aforementioned teleporting “Dragon Ball Z” villain.
Pretty Scenery? Hollywood-Gothy dark corridors and catacombs and yadda yadda.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? No.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when the Normals should notice that something’s up but they don’t. And if you are watching this on a television attached to a subwoofer, drink when the subwoofer sounds like it’s moaning, “Do NOT want!!!”

Head Movie Potential? Eh.

Rating: Danny rating (2)
Danny with a really, really hairy back. And a huge head.
Credits
A Screen Gems Film made in 2003. Written by Kevin Grevioux and Len Wiseman and directed by Wiseman.
Cast
Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Bill Nighy.
Related Links
IMDB entry
Mutant Reviewers From Hell review

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