Look, you can’t blame me.
Anything that’s been so ubiquitous in the media is going to pique one’s curiosity. There are people who are obsessed with this series. And when I say “people”, I mean “teenaged girls”. And when I say “teenaged girls”, I mean “teenaged girls too young to have seen ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ in it’s original run.” Troubling incidents of Twilight fan-dumb have been well-documented. Have YOU ever clawed at your neck to offer an actor playing the entirely fictional object of your desire your blood? I just had to see what all the mayhem was about.
I had attempted to read the book earlier and lasted about five chapters. I figured the movie would go down easier, and so I watched it on “Twismas” (seriously). And let me assure you: it is even more ridiculous than I’d been led to believe. Let’s head right into…
The Best Parts:
1 minute in – Deer cruelty!!!
6 minutes in – “Chillax?” Oh, dammit, I’m old. 😦
8 minutes in – “We are the Goon Squad and we’re coming for you! Beep beep!”
10 minutes in – Seriously?
11 minutes in – *Seriously?* My God, this is going to be a long movie.
14 minutes in – My *God* this is going to be a long movie.
16 minutes in – Because there are no dangerous animals in Arizona!
20 minutes in – (Nessie checks her watch.)
22 minutes in – And I think this is where I gave up on the book.
33 minutes in – It’s story time!
43 minutes in – Catman?
48 minutes in – Don’t put a scene from a good Vampire movie in your bad Vampire movie.
51 minutes in – “WEEEEEEE!!!”
52 minutes in – So why is he not exploding?
52 minutes and 30 seconds in –
Oh my God…
It’s even MORE hilarious than I thought it was going to be!
Sitting through all that bull in the beginning was so totally worth it for this one glorious moment.
53 minutes in – I don’t know, I think a shark could kick your ass.
55 minutes in – There really is nothing I could say that would make this scene more hilarious.
1 hour in –
VEGETARIANISM DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!
1 hour, 1 minute in – “WEEEE!”
1 hour, 2 minutes in – “Grr!” “Argh!”
1 hour, 7 minutes in – He’s been in High School for about a hundred years? How would that even work?
1 hour, 9 minutes in – “WEEEEEEEEE!!!”
1 hour, 11 minutes in – (Nessie checks her watch again.)
1 hour, 14 minutes in – That is not sexy it is creepy! 😡
1 hour, 16 minutes in – Still not sexy! Still creepy! 😡
1 hour, 19 minutes in – VAMPIRE BASEBALL!
Wait a minute… Oh my God! I know why these books are so popular now!
Look, Internet Rule 36 dictates that “If you can think of something, and we mean *anything*, *ever*, then somebody out there has a fetish for it. And, we really, really mean it, it can be *anything*.” Ergo, “Twilight” is so very popular because, somewhere out there, there were people with an as-yet-undiscovered fetish for vampires playing intense baseball during thunderstorms.
Apparently there are a ”lot” of people with a thing for vampires playing intense baseball during thunderstorms.
1 hour, 28 minutes in – Wait, did something important just happen? I was too busy writing my crazy theory.
1 hour, 32 minutes in – Hey, she’s like Isaac Mendez!
1 hour, 36 minutes in – The Epic Battle shall take place in a Bonnie Tyler music video!
1 hour, 38 minutes in – Emo Glittery Vampire Boy to the rescue!
1 hour, 40 minutes in – “King of the Pridelands?”
1 hour, 41 minutes in – I am so damn confused about this series’ mythology that I have no idea what just happened.
1 hour, 46 minutes in – “So, I’m an Emo Glittery Vampire and…”
1 hour, 48 minutes in – “Grr!” “Argh!”
Oh, why can’t the Vampires and the Unsubtly Foreshadowed Werewolves get along? 😦
1 hour, 52 minutes in – It’d probably get awkward around the time she’s forty-something and he is still trapped in Never-Ending High School. And again, how does that even work?
1 hour, 54 minutes in – I did not expect to hear Radiohead in this context.
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“This is the skin of a KILLER!!!” (Glitter glitter) – Edward’s One Glorious Moment
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – You can arrive in a new school from far away and be *instantly* popular.
* – Don’t drink compost tea.
* – One bare human-like footprint made by someone clearly traveling at supernatural speed will not arouse suspicion from the police as they search for a suspected dangerous creature who has already killed two people.
* – Oh yeah, and Vampires aren’t harmed by sunlight and they never sleep and they are just *covered* in glitter.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Emo Glittery Vampires, if that’s your thing. And apparently it is, for a lot of people.
Good Soundtrack? Actually, yeah kinda.
Hot Guys? Repeat: Emo Glittery Vampires, if that’s your thing. And, once again, it is for a lot of people.
Pretty Scenery? Sooooo many “ooh pretty” shots of Oregon.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? If you can watch the effects shots and not laugh hysterically, you are not human.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you feel ashamed on Bella’s behalf (my God, her dangerous level of genre blindness rivals Peter Patrelli’s). Drink when you’d really rather be watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. And drink yourself into a stupor when you come to the realization that you know most of what happens in this movie already thanks to pop-culture osmosis.
Head Movie Potential? It’s way too boring.
Emo Glitter Jon.
A Summit Entertainment Film made in 2008. Written by Melissa Rosenberg and directed by Catherine Hardwicke. Yes, Catherine Hardwicke, who up until now had directed a nice diverse variety of intriguing movies. 😦
Pretty, pretty Emo people and glitter. Lots of it.
Related Links – Naturally, there are a lot. Picking the most hilarious was hard.
Ye Old “Twilight Sucks” Board – Their fangirl stories scare me.
“What Will Be The Next Abstinence Vampire?” and “AV Club Talk” – The Onion AV Club bravely tries to get to the bottom of this whole Emo Glitter Vampire thing.