Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/30/2009

“Inframan!” review


(aka “Zhong Guo Chao Ren” or “The Super-Inframan”)
You know, you can’t say that “Citizen Kane” is more entertaining than this, can you?

Long ago, a little Mad-Ness Monster read a review in one of Roger Ebert’s books about a movie named “Inframan”. Based upon this one review, she vowed that one day, she would watch that movie.
“Even if,” she promised, “I have to wait for years and years until someone invents something like one of our current CD-ROMs that will play movies. And for people to be able to communicate with computers through some kind of network I am not currently aware of. And for there to be a means by which I can borrow one of these ‘Video Cds’ using the ‘Computer Communication Network’. In the FUTURE!!!”
So, Netflix is awesome and so is “Inframan”.

The Best Parts:
15 seconds in – Jeepers creepers, that thing’s real?!
1 minute in – I can already tell this one’s going to be a winner.
2 minutes in – DRAGON!!! 😀
6 minutes in – “Don’t Panic!”
8 minutes in – That was just about the best Obligatory Transformation Sequence ever.
9 minutes in – Why, exactly, have they got all those files about Dragons in their computer anyway? (Gets all paranoid.)
11 minutes in – Love this movie SO much. Yay!!!
16 minutes in – Dear reader, you all know I am square on the side of Chaotic Good. Nonetheless, if I ever decide to switch and become a supervillain, this is totally what my Evil Castle of Evil would look like.
20 minutes in – “Tentacruel used DIG!”

22 minutes in – If you aren’t loving this SO much, you really need to log off and reevaluate your life.
24 minutes in – You’d think, if laying LEGOs all over somebody is all it takes to make a new superhero, we’d have heard of it by now.
27 minutes in – If I ever become a superhero, this is how I will wake up in the morning. Every single day. For the rest of my life.
28 minutes in – “Tentacruel used ACID! Inframan used VITAL THROW! Tentacruel used RECOVER! Inframan used SWIFT! It’s SUPER effective!” (Hey, I spent a lot of time over the summer playing “Pokémon”. Shut up.)
32 minutes in – You know, you can’t say that “Citizen Kane” is more entertaining than this, can you?
35 minutes in – “All glory to the Hypnotoad…”
39 minutes in – Yay Obligatory Chase Scene. (Go get a snack.)
40 minutes in – Wild Armaldo appeared!

42 minutes in – Super-Awesome Transformation Sequence Go!!!
44 minutes in – “Priori Incantatum!!!”
46 minutes in – The hyperactive little kid in me just went “yay!” Yay!!!
47 minutes in – Well that wasn’t very fair.
48 minutes in – Sequel setup?
50 minutes in – Wild… um… perfectly normal Iguana appeared.
55 minutes in – Somewhere, Wolverine just went “s**t.”
58 minutes in – Awww…
1 hour in – Wild Aggron Appeared!

1 hour, 3 minutes in – Aggron’s got a pretty cool boat. Especially when you consider that even a relatively weak water attack = dead Aggron.
1 hour, 12 minutes in – “Ah, screw this!”
1 hour, 16 minutes in – EPIC BATTLE!!!
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Ow.
1 hour, 20 minutes in – Oh my. Insert your own inappropriate joke here.
1 hour, 24 minutes in – You know, it’s a good thing Professor Chang’s prescience is unbelievably specific. “Oh, hey, if you’re ever frozen in liquid ice…”
Also “liquid ice” is just one of those throw-away phrases that seems designed to hurt the brain. Psy-yi-yi... duck?
1 hour, 25 minutes in – How many times is he going to try that trick before he figures it isn’t working?
1 hour, 26 minutes in – I salute thee, Princes Dragonmom. You were a terrific villain.
1 hour, 28 minutes in – Woo-hoo more sequel setup!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Greetings to you Earthlings! I am Princess Dragonmom, and I have taken over this planet! Now I own the Earth and you will be my slaves forever!” – Princess Dragonmom
“Gentlemen, the situation at this time is so serious that it is the worst in human history!” – Professor Chang
“Liu-Ming, you will do as I say or you will be kicked into my Bottomless Pit!” – Princess Dragonmom

Raymond (?): “I want to be the one who saves Earth! I want to be Inframan!”
Professor Chang: “Then you must go through the sufferings of Hell, yes, and perhaps die. But okay!”

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Dragons disintegrate when they crash land. 😦
* – It is required for every single movie in this genre to have tedious scenes of vehicles driving around.
* – More people would want to be research scientists if the job involved shiny suits and disco balls.
* – Running over an Aggron doesn’t work.
* – If your friend is a superhero, install a retractable window in your ceiling in case he needs to fly off in a hurry.
* – If your teammate was captured by the villains and he comes back acting odd in any way at all, lock him in the brig (or brig equivalent) until everything calms down.
* – Books about evil are f-ing hilarious.
* – It sucks to be Imperioused. Free Stan Shunpike!!!
* – Having a – how shall we say this – certain body part on your forehead is as much a liability as you could ever imagine.
* – That goes for having extra eyes on your hands too.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? You know there are probably enough people with a masked superhero fetish out there that there’s probably a name for it. (Rule 36: If it has ever crossed your mind, then there is somebody out there with a fetish for it. No exceptions.) Am I in a hurry to verify this? No.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Hell no, but that’s why it’s fun.

Drinking Game Potential? Once again, the sure-fire drinking game idea for all of these kinds of movies: Drink when any of the characters gives up and finally uses her/his eye-lasers/breath weapon/hyperbeam/whatever.

Head Movie Potential? Very yes.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Jordan, after calling on the power of the Ancient Lunar Bird and gaining a costume with a shiny mask.

A film directed by Hua Shin and released by the Shaw Brothers in 1975.
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