Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/30/2009

“D-War!” (a.k.a. “Dragon Wars”) review

(8/13/08)

Holy sh*t. This is AWESOME!!!  Hell yeah!!!

I’d heard of this movie and I knew I’d probably have to watch it and maybe review it. So I threw it in my Netflix queue and when it arrived I half-heartedly watched it after breakfast…
And I wound up watching the most absurd and downright fun crazy fantasy film this side of “Night Watch”. It’s probably enough to say this: three minute long dragonfight. Also, that dragons v. helicopters battle that conspicuously did not appear in “Reign of Fire“.
I did a little research online and learned that there is a surprising amount of open hatred directed at this movie. My feeling is this: if you are too jaded to forgive a movie for an incoherent plot, long-ass flashback, nonsensical twists, and dubious heroes and just sit there for two hours and go “wee, dragons!!!” you’re too jaded for everything.

The Best Parts:
3 seconds in – ZOMG Squeeeee!!!
2 minutes in – And we’re off!
4 minutes in – “Aww, is this a Magical Artifact? I hate Magical Artifacts.”
6 minutes in – “Can I just go home? Please?”
12 minutes in – Holy sh*t. This is AWESOME! Yay!!!
Also, I want a pet… battle… beast… thing. (Even better, a later line of dialogue identifies this animal as a Mighty Dawdler. Yay!)
16 minutes in – So, I’m to understand that there were people who hated this movie? What the hell is wrong with them?
23 minutes in – LOL.
24 minutes in – “No! No I don’t! I’m one of the Chosen Ones in a Legendary Prophesy as decided by a Magical Artifact! And being the Chosen One always brings you nothing but pain and anguish. And getting to save the world, but even that is stressful like you can’t imagine!”
25 minutes in – LOL.
27 minutes in – “Hmm, this guy is wearing a long, leather cloak in Los Angeles, he’s got white hair and a deep, demonic voice. Yeah, I bet I can trust him!”
28 minutes in – “NO time is a GOOD time for SAAAAAA-RA!!!”
30 minutes in – Uh?
32 minutes in – “Ahhhh – oh, yeah.”
35 minutes in – A-ha-ha-ha, St. George’s Hospital.
36 minutes in – You know, you’d think -you’d HOPE- that the disappearance and mutilation of all the elephants in the Zoo would be huge, huge news.
41 minutes in – “Ah, it’s that Obligatory Dark Lord Guy with elaborate armor! Aim for his armor!!!”
42 minutes in – Woo Silver Lake! (I got friends there.)
44 minutes in – A-ha!
47 minutes in – Oh, so that’s where the Evil Army was hiding all this time.
51 minutes in – Sucks to be the out-of-nowhere psychologist character, doesn’t it?
53 minutes in – “Dammit, Mysterious Trickster Mentor, stop doing that!”
58 minutes in – Sucks to be the pilots too.
1 hour, 2 minutes in – Holy S**T, This is AWESOME! Hell yeah!!!
1 hour, 3 minutes in – Is it me or is this beating the hell out of “Reign of Fire”?
1 hour, 5 minutes in – “Hey, it’s the Dark Lord Guy with elaborate armor and now he’s brought the whole Evil Army with elaborate armor! Aim for their armor!!!”
1 hour, 6 minutes in – No! Not the Mighty Dawdler!
1 hour, 8 minutes in – “Yes! Screw our grandchildren!”
1 hour, 10 minutes in – So, like, what about the Mystical Cave?
1 hour, 11 minutes in – Where did this place come from again?
1 hour, 12 minutes in – I’ve held off saying this for a while but here goes. Buraki’s a bit of an idiot, isn’t he?
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Hey, where’s the good Imoogi in all this?
Oh, right on cue.
1 hour, 16 minutes in – Oh, crap.
1 hour, 18 minutes in – What? Imoogi’s evolving!
And about three full minutes of awesomeness ensues!
1 hour, 20 minutes in – Don’t tell me she slept through all that?
1 hour, 22 minutes in – Screw you all, this was cool!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
Some Guy: “These are explainless!”
Some Other Guy: “No trespect here!”
(Fortunately, this Engrish didn’t set the tone for the movie – and it may have been my ears anyway.)

“We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t keep elephants quiet!” – Inane Zookeeper Guy

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Your eye-color changes dramatically as you age.
* – Destiny likes to mess with people.
* – Raspberries are intimidating.
* – Evil dragons don’t care about elephants.
* – Dragons are made out of diamonds. I think.
* – If there’s an earthquake, take the elevator.
* – Princesses, Chosen Ones, and other assorted women destined to save the universe, expect your childhood to suck.
* – Evil dragons will pursue their prey for about one body length or two, then they will be all like, “yeah, f*** it.”
* – Evil dragons also rely way too much on their sense of smell. Instead of, you know, looking around.
* – Of course, it sucks to be the Dark Lord’s minions even more.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Yes! If it’s ever been identified as a Dragon, it’s in this movie.
Good Soundtrack? Not really.
Hot Guys? Jason Behr, from the Planet of Impossibly Pretty People, is pretty bland here.
Pretty Scenery? Except for the ancient Korea sequences, no.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Yes. Yay dragons vs. helicopters!

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when destiny inconveniences the heck out of everyone.

Head Movie Potential? Yes.

Rating: Donnie rating (4)
Donnie. Who looks odd with short hair, incidentally.
Credits
A Younggu Art Studios Film made in 2007. Written and directed by Hyung Rae Shim.
Cast
Jason Behr, Amanda Brooks, Robert Forster, and a bunch of other humans we don’t really care about.
Related Links
IMDB entry
Greatest Movie EVER review

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