***This is an Easy Jokes About Sarah Palin FREE review of a movie set in Alaska!*** 😀
Now the premise for this here movie is admittedly really, really awesome. An isolated Arctic town that the sun doesn’t see for a full month is menaced by a pack of vampires. They’ve got free reign of the town for weeks on end and anyone who doesn’t get out in time is f***ed. Great, great idea. Boy, I would love to see it treated better than it is here.
I think the problem here is the same problem I had with “VanHelsing“. The movie is less interested in the plot and more preoccupied with aggressively emphasizing that it’s Vampires are different.
It’s Vampires are Zombies.
Come to think of it, movie Zombies are a lot closer to Ghouls. (Oddly enough, in the heavily influential “Night of the Living Dead”, the undead are in fact called Ghouls, rather than Zombies. I wonder where the confusion started.) In any case, these particular Zombie-Vampire Ghouls could easily be scared off with a bar of soap.
The Best Parts:
5 minutes in – Well, this isn’t a set-up for later.
7 minutes in – EVIL DETECTING DOG CRUELTY!!! 😦
9 minutes in – And this isn’t a set-up for later.
11 minutes in – *Sigh* so bland. Even blander then Keanu. But *so* hot.
12 minutes in – NOOOOO!!!
15 minutes in – Giant brewery! Party!
(And once again, not a set-up for anything, no siree.)
17 minutes in – Why are all these horror movie people so dangerously genre blind?
20 minutes in – “And hell, maybe we’ll reconcile our relationship as we’re cowering in fear from attacking Zombie-Vampire Ghouls!”
24 minutes in – Party! Let’s bring that over to the giant brewery!
28 minutes in – Now, the smart thing would be to
(a) listen to the crazy guy,
(b) get everyone inside one or two really secure buildings, and
(c) DON’T F***ING GO OUTSIDE ALONE!!!
34 minutes in – “Oh no, they stole our weed! Those Zombie-Vampire Ghoul bastards!”
39 minutes in – Woah, not even halfway through and we’re already getting some major carnage!
41 minutes in – I vote you take the big bag of weed and head over to the giant brewery.
45 minutes in – But no, go hide in the freezing cold, creepy attic instead!
50 minutes in – Yeah, she wouldn’t be a trap from the Vampire-Zombie Ghouls.
52 minutes in – Yay! OK, look. The one and only reason I am watching this is to see this Ensemble Darkhorse guy.
53 minutes in – Mean Vampire-Zombie Ghoul leader guy is mean. 😦
54 minutes in – “As a naturalist, it’s sometimes very hard to force myself not to interfere with nature and rescue cute animals from predators.”
56 minutes in – Oh, Hot-nett. You poor genre-blind bastard.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – “Sleighbells ring! Are ya listenin’? / In the lane! Snow is glistening’!”
1 hour, 6 minutes in – GAAAAHHH WTF!?!
1 hour, 11 minutes in – “I wanna be an AIRBORN RANGER! I wanna live the LIFE OF DANGER!!!”
1 hour, 16 minutes in – Huh?
1 hour, 18 minutes in – Nooo! Hagrid!!!
1 hour, 24 minutes in – Yeah, this is going to end well.
1 hour, 27 minutes in – Obligatory Maralyn Manson Looking Ghoul!
1 hour, 31 minutes in – “Can’t ya hear me yell-a? / You’re putting me through Hell-a!” 😀
1 hour, 34 minutes in – Party!
1 hour, 36 minutes in – And that’s what you get for drilling into the Arctic Wildlife Refuge!
1 hour, 39 minutes in – You’ll never be accepted as one of them! You obviously like to bathe!
1 hour, 44 minutes in – Woah! That was pretty badass.
1 hour, 46 minutes in – Oh. I didn’t expect this to have such a genuine bummer of an ending. 😦
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“We know the town and we know the cold! We live hear for one reason: because other people can’t!” – Sheriff Hot-nett
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Old people should, seriously, never be left alone. Ever.
* – Snowmobiles and alcohol don’t mix.
* – Vampires hate bright light, yet the light from a blazing inferno won’t hurt them at all.
* – People in horror movies are *heartbreakingly* genre blind.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Vampire-Zombie Ghouls who never bathe. Meh.
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? Hot-nett!.
Pretty Scenery? It’s one little town with inconsistent geography.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? No, just buckets of fake (I hope) blood.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when one of the characters acts *heartbreakingly* genre blind.
Head Movie Potential? Let’s see, a giant bag of weed and a giant brewery…
Jon after not wiping his face off for a month
A Columbia Pictures Film made in 2007. Written by Steve Niles (based on his own book; I wonder if it’s any better) and directed by David Slade.
Josh Hartnett Hot-nett and about twenty other people, none of which I’ve heard of.
The Horror Movie A Day Blog review – This dude’s made of stronger stuff than I.