Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/29/2009

“Transformers: the Movie” (1986) review


(AKA “Transformers: Matrix Yo Eien Ni!”)
I’ve found that there are two 80’s Cartoon Movies that are the best loved by their respective target audiences. 80’s girls still love the “My Little Pony” movie and 80’s boys still love the “Transformers” movie. I think it’s safe to say that you couldn’t pick two more completely different movies.

And I already know that I’m going to be totally unfair here. Because when I write the “My Little Pony” review, I’m probably going to ignore the fact that to a hypothetical male viewer who is a Trans-fan and knows all the characters and knows the Transformers universe inside and out and knows about as much about the Pony-verse as I do about the Trans-verse (and who will probably be ticked by this review) all the Ponies look alike. I apologize in advance.
At the same time, you should know by now that, at it’s heart, this website and it’s writer are almost unapologetically girly.
However, and I am comfortable enough with my masculine side to admit this, I actually kinda like this movie. Girls are in somewhat uncharted territory here, but expect to see many, many plot points lifted from “Star Wars”, every 80’s action Animé cliché ever, and endless epic battles. That’s actually the only part that I didn’t like. Every five minutes or so there is yet another epic battle between giant robots. On the other hand, anything that has giant robots in it is worth watching at least once. Anything that has a giant robot shaped like fire-breathing Triceratops in it is worth watching at least twice.

The Best Parts:
1 minutes in – Entire Planet of Robots Cruelty!!!
3 minutes in – Wait… Judd Nelson, best known as Bender in “The Breakfast Club”, is voicing this robot.  Which makes him… Bender the Robot! 😀
9 minutes in – Aw, they’re like Butters and Awesome-O!
12 minutes in – Yay John Moschitta!
17 minutes in – Sh*t!
19 minutes in – THE SONG!!!
23 minutes in – Er… Astro-Train? (That’s either the coolest or dorkiest robot ever.)
25 minutes in – This scene brought to you by the Foreshadowing Fairy.
26 minutes in – “NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
36 minutes in – OMG he said teh S-WORD!!! :O
38 minutes in – Never expected a Steinbeck shout-out in this context.
45 minutes in – ROBOT FISH!!! (Of all the crazy bad science in this movie, this could be the most downright puzzling.)
49 minutes in – Okay. So why didn’t they just rebuild Optimus Prime?
(Ducks under her desk…)
51 minutes in – Trippiest planet ever.
57 minutes in – Let’s hope Danny didn’t enjoy having a not-broken skeleton too much. And could this be the same Danny from the “My Little Pony” movie? Hmmm…
1 hour, 1 minute in – I like how the Sharkticons don’t seem to realize that they have nastier, pointier teeth than Grimlock.
Dear readers, I actually dedicated roughly ten minutes of thought to who would win in a battle between a Tyrannosaur and a shark. I came to the conclusion that it’d be pretty unfair, given that the shark could attack the T. rex’s legs and it’d be all over in seconds.
1 hour, 3 minutes in – I should have mentioned this earlier but the music cues are very odd in this movie.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Breakdancing robots!!!
1 hour, 5 minutes in – And once again, I innocently must ask: why didn’t they just rebuild Optimus Prime?
(Ducks again…)
1 hour, 8 minutes in – “Do not WANT!!!” 😦
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Well, that was a convenient coincidence.
1 hour, 15 minutes in – THE SONG!
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Yay shameless sequel setup!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“One shall stand! One shall fall!” – Optimus Prime
MEGATRON: “NOBODY summons Megatron!”
UNICRON: “Then it pleases me to be the first.”
“Me Grimlock no BOZO! Me Grimlock KING!!!” – Grimlock
“Ba weep granna weep ninnibong!” – The Universal Greeting

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – It doesn’t suck as much as you’d think to be the robots who convert into cassette players. (Although maybe it does suck to be the little cassette tape robots.)
* – It does suck to be the one robot who converts into a *microscope*.
* – Giant robots need love too.
* – It REALLY sucks to be the one female robot.
* – Robots can have facial “hair”.
* – If you’re evil master is a gi-nourmous planet-eating entity, it might be in your best interest not to make him upset.
* – Man-E-Faces doesn’t care about robots. 😦
* – Ceratopsians can breathe fire.
* – Robots can be strangled.
* – Insanely bad physics can save your life.
* – It disappoints me a little that we didn’t meet any giant robots from space last year.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Good Soundtrack? It’s extremely 80’s. Mention must be made of THE SONG that would later show up in “Boogie Nights”.
Hot Guys? Er, not unless robots are your thing. (Euw…)
Pretty Scenery? It’s extremely 80’s action-animé.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Repeat: it’s extremely 80’s action-animé.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you hear THE SONG (count background music). Drink when they -ahem- borrow plot points from “Star Wars”. Drink when you suspect that, in turn, the Prequels -ahem- borrowed plot points from this movie!

Head Movie Potential? Yes.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Originally, I gave both “Transformers” and “My Little Pony” truly neutral ratings of Jordan. Now, in the case of “Transformers”, if you’re male, you might want to add a New Kid on the Block or two.  Mind you, this movie is way the hell more entertaining and better written than “Michael Bay’s Explosions and Robots”.

A Sunbow/Marvel Film made in 1986. Written by Ron Friedman and directed by Nelson Shin.
Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Orson Welles, Leonard Nimoy, Casey Kasem, Robert Stack, John Moschitta, Peter Cullen, and Frank Welker.
Related Links
IMDB page
“Transformers the Movie” Fansite
Robots in Disguise: The Transformers Fanpage
Greatest Movie EVER review



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