So this here movie is really one episode of Moonbeam / Full Moon Entertainment’s attempt at a made-for-video movie serial. Josh Kirby is just an ordinary guy who ran afoul of an evil time-traveler but was rescued by a good time-traveler. Now they go all around the Universe together with a warrior queen who jousts on a Triceratops and a creepy hairless Gremlin. And they try to keep the evil time-traveler from breaking the space-time continuum or whatever.
None of this really has anything to do with this particular movie in the series. Kirby spends most of this episode alone stranded on the crappy planet of Toyworld. You are probably wondering why I am reviewing this as a de-facto Halloween feature rather than a de-facto Christmas feature, since this could easily be thought of as an unofficial sequel to good old “Babes in Toyland” right?
Wrong. Because, honestly, this is more like a demented horror movie. All of the toy costumes are terrifying. After Josh meets the core cast of horrible toys they take him to meet their leader and he is pretty insane. The leader is the only real live human aside from Josh and years and years of isolation have really got to him. Whenever he wants, he can put on a magical song that makes all the toys dance.
Two dozen people in awful, stiff-looking furry costumes, shuffling and stumbling along as best they can to the creepy little song. I’m pretty sure any kid who watches this thing is going to be scarred for life.
The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – OK, I think I get the gist of the series thus far.
5 minutes in – Bill and Ted unavailable for comment.
12 minutes in – So in other words, the toy’s leader is like… their God.
14 minutes in – And for those of you who missed the whole prologue…
19 minutes in – AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (Hides behind the couch and cries…)
23 minutes in – Scary costume hell!
26 minutes in – “Dance my minions! DANCE!!!”
29 minutes in – The scary toys are *still* performing their dance of the damned.
37 minutes in – Boy this guy is evil.
41 minutes in – You’ve quite an interesting definition of “Normal”, sir.
46 minutes in – The disturbing Toyworld origin story. (Actually, in a better movie this would be kind of cool.)
49 minutes in – “This little egg is the first evidence I have seen in years and years of any organic animal life besides myself! I’ll steal it from the nest and break it! Yay! (Long, awkward pause…) Oh, God, the loneliness…”
53 minutes in – AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (Hides behind the couch and cries again…)
58 minutes in – Why the hell is the villain telling him all this?
1 hour, 10 minutes in – The people who took all of an afternoon making these costumes are going to be angry.
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Why don’t they sic their evil hairless Gremlin on him?
1 hour, 16 minutes in – I just noticed that, for sure, that one clown has two faces. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (Hides behind the couch and cries yet again…)
1 hour, 18 minutes in – Note the leader’s “Take me with you!” look.
1 hour, 22 minutes in – Yeah… I’ll be hunting down the next episodes, sure…
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
Scary Doll Lady: “Oh, you’re a Non!”
Scary Doll Lady: “A Non-Toy.”
Josh: “Holy smokes, you’re a Real Doll!”
“A modern-day doll needs stimulation and I’m just not getting any!” – Scary Doll Lady
“Can’t you just move into the Gingerbread House with us and live happily ever after?” – Scary Doll Lady
“Will you two modulate your intercourse?!” – Irwin
“Thanks a lot everyone! Toyworld has been… different.” – Josh, wanting off this ride
~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“We are the Toys of Toyworld! / Happiness and joy world! / Toyworld! / Toyworld / For every girl and boy!!!” – The Dance of the Damned
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Time machines look like enormous clocks.
* – Generally speaking, furry Gremlins are okay. But if you meet one who is hairless or nearly so, run.
* – Do your stuffed animals a favor and cut that annoying tags off their butts.
* – Jack-in-the-Boxes are pure evil.
* – Giant, ugly Teddy Bears do not make good craftspeople.
* – Short-wave radios can contact people across the whole space-time continuum.
* – Trolls are hardcore. The uglier the Troll, the more hardcore.
* – Don’t build anything that could break the space-time continuum.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Ummmm… no. This is a very good example of a movie that isn’t supposed to be scary, but it is.
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Very No.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when one of the toy costumes scares you.
Head Movie Potential? You don’t want to be high during this thing.
A scary Danny doll that has been made to dance around to a scary song.
A Full Moon Entertainment Film made in 1995. Written by Nick Paine and directed by Frank Arnold.
Corbin Allred, Jennifer Burns, Derek Webster, Barrie Ingham, Sharon Lee Jones and Buck Kartalian.