Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/29/2009

“Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer” review

(5/9/06)

(AKA, “Blondine au Pays de L’arc-en-ciel” and “Mahô Shôjo Rainbow Brite!”  This film is clearly an Animé, but Rainbow Brite herself was a French/Japanese/American co-production.  Which helps explain some things.)
This wins my Grand Jury Prize for Most Incomprehensible Animé Film Ever.  And for the record, I’ve seen “Dead Leaves”.
I’m not going to get too lengthy here. Rainbow Brite is a heck of a lot trippier than you might remember. If you like insanely random, bad Animé, you need to check this out. I even recommend this one to guys. It’s a college head movie just waiting to be discovered.

The Best Parts:
42 seconds in – Aaaaaaand we’re off!
3 minutes in – You are allowed to slap me if you recognize this song. *^_^*
4.42 minutes in – “There’s work tû dû!”
6 minutes in – Personally, I wouldn’t be able to put up with waking up to this every morning.
8 minutes in – Hm, magical equines, rainbows, furry cute things, villains whose motives are based on how annoyingly happy their neighbors are, and springtime. Woah… déjà vu
10 minutes in – Raise your hand if you think Stormy is cooler than Rainbow Brite.
15 minutes in – Right about now you can hear the little 80’s girls going, “Wait… what the f___?”
20 minutes in – Aw, Stormy. And notice she’s the only human Rainbowland resident other than Rainbow Brite who has more than two lines.
22 minutes in – “Zafram Cochrane ain’t got nothing’ on me!!!”
25 minutes in – Ooooh, pwetty!
31 minutes in – Sh*te!!!
34 minutes in – RAINBOW: “The rainbow can’t get through this mist!!!”
Um… what?!?
35 minutes in – “Go, go, Power Rangers!!!”
38 minutes in – Horrors of Seasonal Affective Disorder!!!
Readers, you may make your own joke about the sweet, sweet *Rainbow Bridge* that Brian has in his *Magical Closet*. Psy-yi-yi... duck?
40 minutes in – Sex War!
43 minutes in – I think the Princess should hook up with Mok from “Rock and Rule”.
47 minutes in – “But Starlight has something ONYX will never have! A BRAIN!!! And FRECKLES!!!”
49 minutes in – Dirk Gently wanted for questioning.
52 minutes in – You know, at this point, it’s a damn good thing we know by now that ONYX can do more than just fly around and shout “DANGER!!!” Cause if we didn’t…
55 minutes in – Robot horses do not care about old people. 😦
58 minutes in – Euw!!! Naked Newt-Men!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!
59 minutes in – This Oryn guy they’ve been blabbing about all movie long? Turns out he is a furry Deus ex machina.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Why is that poignant “Two Worlds Collided” song by INXS in my head?
1 hour, 6 minutes in – Oryn’s Rain of Blah-Blah!!!
1 hour, 8 minutes in – Yeah, thanks a hell of a lot, Oryn.
1 hour, 10 minutes in – FISH!!! 😀
1 hour, 15 minutes in – “The Power is yours!!!”
1 hour, 18 minutes in – “AAAAAHHH! Not the RAINBOW!!!” – Princess
1 hour, 19 minutes in – “Things were bad but now they’re good forever!”
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Release the J-Pop!!!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Aw, no more fun for three whole seasons.” – Stormy
“This is fun! We should have guests more often!” – Princess, after almost killing Rainbow and Krys over and over

~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“Places that you thought were Dream-lands / turn from Dream-lands to Believe-lands!” – End title song

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Rainbows can be seen in space.
* – You can use a rainbow to travel through space.
* – Animé Villains: If it ever occurs to you to steal an entire planet, just… don’t. You’ll save everyone a lot of stress.
* – Animé robots may look scary, but they are surprisingly incompetent. They can even be hypnotized by each other by accident.
* – Horses: If you’re on a new planet and you’re not sure if the lake you’re about to jump is full of water or sticky resins, check first.
* – Rescuing your friends is more important than saving the Universe. Aww.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
The Princess counts.
Good Soundtrack? Eh… how much do you like 80’s cartoon J-pop?
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? Yes.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Um, it’s serviceable.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Starlight is a conceited bastard. Drink when Murky insults Lurky. And if you hate your liver, drink when ONYX shouts “Danger!” and Rainbow shouts “Oh, NO!”

Head Movie Potential? Yer darn tootin’.

Rating: Danny rating (2)
I’ll level with you. This is not a good movie. But it is a so-bad-it’s-good movie. I give it a Danny.
Credits
A D.I.C. Film made in 1985. Written by Howard R. Cohen and Jean Chalopin and directed by Bernard Deyriès and Kimio Yabuki.
Cast
Bettina, Patrick Fraley, Peter Cullin, Robbie Lee, and a bunch of other people.
Related Links
IMDB page
Rainbow Brite Fansite

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