So having just seen “The Monster Squad”, I’m convinced that there are certain movies that only a twelve-year-old boy would enjoy.
There are a few red lights that indicate you are watching such a movie. If the movie has a scene that revolves around an almost naked teenaged girl who serves little more purpose to the story, that scene counts as fifteen of these red lights.
I’m not placing the blame squarely on he shoulders of “The Monster Squad”, but I’m pretty sure some of the things in this movie (the infamous “Wolfman’s got nards” scene for one) paved the way for things like the coprophagy gag in the “Chipmunks” movie.
In case you haven’t figured it out, “Monster Squad” comes from a time, twenty years ago, when movie producers seemed to be testing exactly what one could get away with in a PG-13 movie. The result is kind of an odd genera of films unto themselves where twelve-year-old boys cheer the kid power and anyone over twelve is left deeply unsettled in a way that is hard to explain (“Home Alone” is the pinnacle of this kind of movie). The unfortunate thing is, were it not for the crude jokes, this’d be a solid kid’s movie. As it is, it’s just very, very strange.
The Best Parts:
10 seconds in – Old TriStar logo > New TriStar logo;
2 minutes in – SPOOKY ARMADILLOS!!!
See, this is a good example of when this movie is good. Few other people have noticed and/or commented on the armadillos wandering around Dracula’s castle in the classic film.
4 minutes in – No! Pogo! WHY???!!!???
6 minutes in – “Please stop throwing garbage into our vortex.”
8 minutes in – Did that kid just say what I’m afraid he might have just said?
12 minutes in – If you’re inspecting your vehicle’s cargo hold and suddenly giant vampire bats start flying around, get out.
15 minutes in – *GRATUITOUS SCENE INVOLVING AN ALMOST-NAKED TEENAGED GIRL!* (Ugh.)
20 minutes in – If you are a police officer and somebody charges into the station acting like this, please do as he says and lock him up. You will save everyone lots of stress.
25 minutes in – If you’ve got a crate labeled “Frankenstein” in your vehicle’s cargo hold, think twice about it, even if it does turn out to be a joke.
26 minutes in – Yeah, except for the house burning down.
27 minutes in – Hey, could that be the painting that traumatized Fenchurch? (And if it isn’t, it’s definitely in the same style.)
28 minutes in – It’s like The DaVinci Code. Except interesting.
31 minutes in – So the character’s name IS Fat Kid? Damn, damn, damn.
34 minutes in – If you couldn’t tell that they were building up to this scene, you have revoked your privileges to read a review with “Monster” in the title written by a person with “Monster” in her screen-name and posted on a website with “Monster” in the title. 😀
37 minutes in – Oh, that’s convenient.
40 minutes in – Awwwww…
44 minutes in – “She seems to have an EEN-VEE-ZEE-BULL TUCH-YAH! She seems to have an EEN-VEE-ZEE-BULL TUCH A-A-OH!!!”
46 minutes in – See, this makes me even more p*ssed off about (do not highlight this invisi-text if you are one of the three people who hasn’t read Harry Potter and the Gainax Ending yet) Lupin and Tonks. Thanks, “Monster Squad”, I was just starting to get over it.
51 minutes in – Nice. (Damn, damn, damn…)
54 minutes in – *The “Wolfman’s got NARDS!” Scene!*
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Aw, that sucks. And notice that they don’t dwell on it at all!
1 hour, 16 minutes in – Release the incredibly dated rap theme song!
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Creature stole my Twinkie.” – Eugene, the precocious little boy (and his unsettling double-entendres get better – or worse…)
“Mummy came in my closet.” – Eugene, the precocious little boy (see?)
“Wolfman’s got NARDS!!!” – Fat Kid
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – It’s extremely difficult to recite an important incantation that can save the Universe if some guy’s screaming in your ear.
* – If the heroes of your movie are fat boys and sci-fi/fantasy geek boys, remember there’s always gay people, teachers, and teenaged girls to pick on.
* – There are a dozen sequels to “Groundhog Day” but they have nothing to do with the original.
* – Living within line-of-sight of a drive-in theater is awesome.
* – The Great Northern Divers are *everywhere*.
* – Despite all his dark magic, Dracula goes for sticks of dynamite to really f*** stuff up.
* – You might not have to go through all the trouble of lifting the Mummy’s curse to do him in. Try unraveling him first.
* – Wolfman = T-1,000
* – I feel bad for Creature (the fish-guy). All the other monsters have unbelievably specific requirements to be done in for good but he just needs to be shot and that’s that.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Yes. Stan Winston!
Good Soundtrack? Uh… it’s hilariously dated. Note that the songs were written by Michael Sembello, better known as the guy who did “Maniac” for “Flashdance.”
Hot Guys? It’s a movie for twelve-year-old boys. You figure it out.
Pretty Scenery? It almost looks as though it was filmed in some guy’s backyard.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Actually, the makeup is very good. Yay Stan Winston again!
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you hear or see something that was obviously put in just to test the limits of the PG-13 rating.
Head Movie Potential? Sure.