You look at a title like that and you immediately become more disillusioned with the publishing industry. 😦
I briefly thought about typing this review normally, then running it through two or three different language filters. This would have accurately simulated what the writing style of this book is, and would have shown you what it was like for me to read it. I decided I like you all too much.
Obviously this is a cash-in on the Animorphs series. This book has the entire plot, beginning middle and end, summarized on its back cover. It HAS to. Otherwise I’d never be able to tell what the hell was going on in this tree carcass. I got it for 50 cents and perhaps it will find a wonderful new life next time I want to make something out of Paper Mache.
Fun if you can’t read.
The Best Parts:
Front Cover – I don’t usually point out ridiculous cover art, so you know we’re already in for a long ride here:
So according to this cover, we can expect a stirring climax where Jill -with some psychic assistance from Martha Stewart and Donald Sutherland – saves a symphony orchestra from the evil plans of Rick Schroeder.
This never actually happens in the book and I was very disappointed.
Page 1 – Thank you for already cutting right through the metaphor there, Spenser.
Page 10 – Cue the villains
Page 18 – Spenser: “I KNOW classical music!!!”
Page 22 – Evidence of simpler times. 😦
Page 35 – Jill changes into Molly and gives us a metaphysical debate for the ages I never thought I’d see. (See “Classic Quotes” below.)
Page 37 – And another classic metaphysical debate. (See below.)
Page 42 – The appropriate way to react when you learn that someone is a shapeshifter:
“‘Wow, that’s really weird,’ Molly said, ‘but you go, girl!’”
This has since entered my Vault of Useful Quotes for Any Occasion. I don’t even care that nobody knows where it came from. I say it anytime something really does strike me as unusual, but I don’t know what to say.
Page 54 – The Rain of Totally Insane Dialogue!!! (See below.)
Page 57 – OK, if they use “morph”, which is a friggin’ suffix that actually means “shape” and not “transform”, as a verb one more time, I will start rooting for the villains.
Page 59 – Jill changes into a male and answers for us the one and only uncomfortable question that this could possibly raise. (Yet again, see below. Most of the insanity in this book speaks for itself, really.)
Page 76 – Spenser: “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you some stuff!”
Page 93 – Aw, Jill will save the day by being herself! (Puke.)
Page 101 – Once again, Jill’s classmates react to her transforming with… mild interest.
Page 119 – The villains are arrested, the kids and old people are safe, everyone loves Jill, and Jill’s crazy mom is in the mental institution! What a happy ending!
Page 123 – Advertisements for further books in this series. Yeah… thanks but no thanks.
Classic Quotes and Excerpts: Every one of which also deserves a
“Maybe because Jill had turned into Molly, Molly had turned into Jill. Or maybe Molly didn’t exist anymore.
“Had she accidentally killed her best friend?
“‘Oh, no! What have I done?’” – Page 35
“‘So you want me to ask a history question I can’t answer, right?’
“‘Right. If you don’t know the answer and I do, then I’m still Jill.’” – Page 37
“Get out of this concert hall you fools! The police are coming back to talk with me. I hope they catch you – but not inside this hall. We have a symphony concert to give very soon, a special performance for some middle-school honor students and a large group of senior citizens. Now please leave!” – Page 54
“I’m afraid we have a situation that will delay your music-making. Some men are pointing a gun at my head right now. They’re gangsters.” – Page 55
“Wow! And just listen to me, Mol! My voice is all deep and everything, just like Maestro Andrews sounds. It really feels funny.” – Page 59
Things I Learned from this Book:
* – Following mysterious strangers around is fun for all.
* – Holding your breath over and over can cause you to throw up instantly.
* – Don’t f*** with old people.
Things That Can Save Any Book:
Cool Creatures? Uh… eh.
Creative Ideas? No.
Memorable Character? No.
Memorable Setting? No.
Nifty Illustrations? Only that insane cover painting.
Drinking Game Potential? I have a feeling the author was experimenting with mind-expanding chemicals when s/he wrote this. Follow suit if you want to.
Jon. Just think – there’s more than one of these books in this series out there. I only wound up finding one more, but still, ugh.
Humanomorphs #6 – What Would We Do Without Jill? by M.D. Spenser, copyright 2000. Published by Paradise Press Inc., Weston, FL.
ISBN #: 1-57657-336-2