That is either the worst subtitle ever or the most awesome subtitle ever.
OK, technically, I kind of knew there would be more of these out there. There was, after all, an advertisement for other books in the series at the end of What Would We Do Without Jill? Still, it’s surprising to actually find one.
Jill does not appear in this book. This book concerns a completely different cast of characters in a different situation. Apparently, so do each and every one of these books. In this case we’ve got three (cringes) Humanomorphs and they are involved in a ridiculously convoluted conspiracy. And petty high school drama.
The Best Parts:
Page 1 – STOP USING “MORPH” AS A VERB IT IS AN AFFIX AND IT DOES NOT EVEN MEAN “TRANSFORM” LIKE YOU THINK IT DOES WTF!?!
I’m sorry. But I didn’t suffer through three insanely hard Teacher Tests to see an affix used as a verb, thank you very much.
Page 4 – Oh no not drawing on the walls! Not baggy pants! Not saying “yo” and “dude”!?!
Page 9 – “LOL, that’s our Ezra!”
Page 10 – “We call ourselves the Cruisers because it is the year 2000 and Tom Cruise is still cool!”
Page 15 – “It will be awesome, friend who is a girl and who really likes me. I may even be cool enough to start dating this other, prettier, much more popular girl!”
Page 25 – “Let me stand here and describe in great detail the fact that we have been drenched in industrial-strength herbicide and are about to be struck by lightning!”
Page 33 – Aw, the return of the “I Just Want To Be Speshul” speech!
Page 37 – “Duane!”
Page 38 – That’s… nice…
Page 43 – “Oh, do let’s turn into the three coolest people at the time that this book was written!”
Page 46 – Why isn’t she the least bit curious to see if she can *turn into* a blue elephant? I know I would.
Page 53 – “Wahhh! We are scared of our totally radical powers let’s never use them!”
Page 67 – Every time they say “Humanomorphs”, something in me dies. 😦
Page 78 – Okay, stay with me here.
There is a scene in “Pokemon: Emerald” where you arrive at the Space Center just in time to stop the villains from stealing a vat of rocket fuel. Why are they stealing the rocket fuel? Well, they want to destroy the island where the game is set by dumping the fuel down the volcano that formed the island.
I bring this up only because the villains’ plan in this book is even more batsh*t insane and stupid. Especially in a “you f**king idiot villains; do you even understand that this act will kill all of *you* too?” way.
Page 80 – Well, isn’t that convenient.
Page 81 – In the grand tradition of Humanomorphs brand Freudian squick, Abby transforms into her own FATHER. And what do you suppose is the one thing that bugs her about this?
She doesn’t know how to tie a necktie.
Page 106 – M. D. Spencer is a master of suspense!!!
Page 116 – Honestly, I’m more interested in the news anchor’s side of the story. Poor guy.
Page 117 – The book. Just Godwinned. ITSELF. (You don’t even want to *know* how.)
Page 124 – It is like M. D. Spencer is reading my mind. If I only had transforming powers for one more day, I would totally use them to exacerbate petty high school drama like this.
Note that “transform” IS a verb and it actually means “change”. Is it really that hard to use?
Classic Quotes and Excerpts:
“Of course, it was actually going to be the beginning of the story, not the end, but none of us knew that then…” – Page 16
Things I Learned from this Book:
* – Don’t climb on barrels marked “poison”.
* – Or do. Because drenched in industrial-strength herbicide + struck by lightning = ability to transform into any person you’ve seen. (Hell, it makes as much sense as any other origin story.)
* – If you turn into Michael Jordan, your clothes won’t change but you’ll gain his earring. Don’t think about it too hard.
* – Three-year-olds like to play with rope.
Things That Can Save Any Book:
Cool Creatures? Eh.
Creative Ideas? Um, no.
Memorable Character? No.
Memorable Setting? No.
Nifty Illustrations? No illustrations.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when they use “morph” (it means *shape* or *shaped like* people, WTF?) as a stand-alone verb for “change”. Drink twice if that makes you die a little inside.
Danny. It’s actually *slightly* better written than What Would We Do Without Jill. Not that this is saying much.
Humanomorphs #3 – Caution: Contents of This Book May Be Hazardous to the World copyright 2000 to M. D. Spencer. Published by Paradise Press, Weston, FL.
ISBN #: 1-57657-339-7