Oh, Moonbeam. You know, you really know how to pick ’em. Then again, I should talk; I know how to find ’em.
Quick, what movie has multi-dimensional travel, mad scientists, and people in hideous duck costumes?
(Ye Olde Dramatic Pause…)
OK, but what OTHER movie has multi-dimensional travel, mad scientists, and people in hideous duck costumes?
The answer is This Movie! And it’s pretty terrible in it’s own right. I actually had a lot more fun making fun of it than I did with “Howard the Duck”.
(I digress, but I might as well address this issue here. This is part of the reason why you will not see a review of “Howard” on this website.
The more important part of the reason is that *everyone* with a weird movie review website reviews “Howard the Duck”, and I’ve got to have something to stand out in the crowd, right? Besides, while just anyone can review “Howard the Duck”, I’d like to think that it takes a special kind of personality to willingly seek out and watch things like Moonbeam movies. A somewhat masochistic personality, to be sure, but a special one nonetheless.)
The Best Parts:
Before the Movie Begins – Er, isn’t this a preview for the movie I’m about to watch? Classic.
(Bonus: Yowler in the Moonbeam Trailer Park!)
42 seconds in – Mirror Berries?
3 minutes in – Note that all of this stuff has happened before the opening credits…
Oh… my… God.
This is a sequel.
5 minutes in – Writers, please stop invoking good things in your bad things (ie, Alice in Wonderland in this movie.)
7 minutes in – Dear readers, I do believe we’ve got our first female recipient of the dreaded Jake Lloyd Award for Annoying Younger Actors.
14 minutes in – Lord Asriel unavailable for comment.
21 minutes in – Ten! Chocolate! Layer CAAAAAAKES!!!
30 minutes in – Power corrupts you. 😦
33 minutes in – Release the Terrible Actors!!!
36 minutes in – “Hey, there’s something alive in this basement! I will take some of it with me!”
37 minutes in – Pork rinds?
39 minutes in – I guess Mary Margaret gets to relinquish her Jake Lloyd Award already…
43 minutes in – Party on.
48 minutes in – This movie’s like spending an hour and a half in Idiot World.
51 minutes in – Well, in real life, a doppelganger is a unrelated person who, by a remarkable coincidence, looks a lot like you do. In fantastic fiction, it’s a scary thing that steals your face and either portends your imminent doom or wants to go on to stealing your soul.
But here, it’s a laser that opens a pathway to a magical land.
52 minutes in – Say, now that Queen Dragora mentions it, she looks more like a drake than her minions do. Are they all cross-dressers?
55 minutes in – “MMMATT DAY-MON!!!”
59 minutes in – “Gosh, you know, now that you’ve explained the plot, it sounds incredibly stupid.”
1 hour, 1 minutes in – Creepiest pickup lines ever.
1 hour, 6 minutes in – “Really? Wow, that really is the stupidest plot ever.”
1 hour, 8 minutes in – Woah, that’s pretty dark!
1 hour, 11 minutes in – You run into it headfirst at top speed, of course.
1 hour, 16 minutes in – Euw… Creepiest Karmic Death ever.
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Ooh, ouch.
1 hour, 20 minutes in – NOOOOO!!!!! Not Sequel Setup!!!
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
Mr. Bloom: “Little children don’t like me! I frighten them!”
Ms. Dennis: “My daughter has faced monsters from another dimension. I think she can handle you.”
“TEEEEEEAAAAA!!!!!” – Queen Dragora
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Tea is evil. Drink more coffee.
* – Plants don’t need sunlight or water to grow to maturity, just a string of remarkable coincidences.
* – Satyrs make horrible guards.
* – Caterers are an unimaginably jaded lot.
* – Don’t make movies that involve multi-dimensional travel, mad scientists, and people in hideous duck costumes.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Um… no. As a matter of fact, the Drakes are high-quality Nightmare Fuel.
Good Soundtrack? If you like inappropriately placed trippy electronic music, sure.
Hot Guys? Very, very No.
Pretty Scenery? It almost looks like the Magical Land sequences were filmed in somebody’s backyard.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Repeat: high-quality Nightmare Fuel.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when the characters explain the plot to one-another and you catch a look in their eyes that says, “wow, this is stupid”.
Head Movie Potential? I would say yes.
Danny in a horrifying duck costume.
A Moonbeam Entertainment Film released by Paramount home video in 1996. Written by Ken Carter and Frank Dietz and directed by Ted Nicolaou.
Jamie Renee “Jake Lloyd Award” Smith, Bryan J. “Jake Lloyd Award” Terrill, Kevin Wixted, Godfrey James, Saxon Trainor, and Eileen T’Kaye