Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/29/2009

“DragonHeart” review


“DragonHeart” is really good and I am glad I gave it another look. It’s got itself a growing cult following and deserves it. It isn’t “Lord of the Rings”, but if your kid loves “Eragon”, get this DVD on and school him.

“DragonHeart” is about on par with “NeverEnding Story”, though I do not personally love it as much (Falkor is my homeboy). And unfortunately like “NeverEnding Story”, it has spawned a few absolutely pointless sequels. Just a heads-up everyone.

The Best Parts:
21 seconds in – I didn’t mention this before, but “DragonHeart” is the ultimate “Oh… THAT’S where that music comes from” movie.
4 minutes in – “But Sir Bowen, I don’t want any of that. I’d rather… SING!!!
7 minutes in – Joss Whedon unavailable for comment.
10 minutes in – I really need to start making Newbies address me like this. >:=8}
13 minutes in – Why can’t things like this happen on “Grey’s Anatomy”?
16 minutes in – Woo! Shoutout!
18 minutes in – *One* arrow? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, wait…
22 minutes in – King Einon is a d*ck.
25 minutes in – Eh, wait. What? And if Draco can transform, why the heck does he never again make use of that ability?
28 minutes in – HERO SHOT!
32 minutes in – Oh, shards.
35 minutes in – Draco is the man! I mean, he is the dragon man. Er, I mean he’s a dragon. But he’s still – well, you know where I’m going with this. }:=8}
38 minutes in – Did that just creep anyone else out?
41 minutes in – Cue that “WEEE-WOOO!”/”Oh, you’re dead” music from “Kill Bill”!
44 minutes in – Awkward…
46 minutes in – King Einon continues to be a d*ck.
48 minutes in – We need more movies with catacombs in them.
51 minutes in – HERO SHOT!!!
54 minutes in – NESS: “You know, Draco, you do a lot of hiding behind waterfalls and -er- *as* rocks and such.”
DRACO: “Saves money on animation.”
57 minutes in – Draco just Goth-served Einon!
1 hour in – Pig-face bag?!
1 hour, 2 minutes in – Ow.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – I feel pretty bad for that horse.
1 hour, 9 minutes in – Aww.
1 hour, 11 minutes in – ULTIMA HERO SHOT!!!
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Oh, snap.
1 hour, 16 minutes in – Epic Battle!
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Oh, shards…
1 hour, 25 minutes in – King Einon remains a d*ck!
1 hour, 33 minutes in – Oh… well, that sucks. (Raises coffee mug.)

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Witness the wonders of an ancient glory.” – Draco
“Come! Visit the Woods!” – Draco (This beats out “You the man now, dog!” IMO.)
“Shear them like the sheep they are!” – King Einon, being a d*ck
“I go to save the Dragon!” – Sir Bowen
“A knight is sworn to valor! His heart knows only virtue. His blade defends the helpless. His might upholds the weak. His word speaks only truth. His wrath undoes the wicked!” – The Old Code

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Kings, don’t treat your peasants like crap. You will *pay*.
* – Celts ❤ Dragons. (Granted, I could have told you that. I mean, duh, look at me for one. But it bears repeating.)
* – Open-heart surgery is extremely dicey.
* – Ironically enough, dragons are allergic to smoke.
* – Being the only remaining member of your species sucks so hard it cannot accurately be measured by today’s means.
* – Having a mystical bond with another creature continues to be a HUGE issue if, when they get hurt, you feel it too.
* – “Ye should never listen to minstrels’ fancies. A dragon would never hurt a soul. Unless ye try to hurt him first.” – Draco
* – The idea that dragons eat peasants and have some kind of sick obsession with fair maidens is nothing but vicious slander.
* – Not only do peasants not have to worry about dragons… it’s really more like the opposite problem.
* – And on top of all this, humans owe dragons a LOT.
* – Dragons are awesome! *G*

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Good Soundtrack? Yes.
Hot Guys? Eh, no.
Pretty Scenery? Why is (somewhere in Eastern Europe standing in for) Scotland the setting of all these dragon movies?
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Yes!

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Draco Goth-serves one of the humans. And drink when he has a HERO SHOT!

Head Movie Potential? Not really.

Rating: Joey rating (bestest)
Joey! With a sword! And a kilt and some whiskey and a mullet and -eh- some whiskey and maybe another sword while we’re at it. Celts are also awesome.
A Universal Studios Film made in 1996. Written by Patrick Read Johnson and Charles Edward Pogue and directed by Rob Cohen. Character animation supervised by ILM and Tippet Studios. Music that has been ripped off in every movie trailer ever by Randy Edelman
Dennis Quaid, Pete Postlethwaite, Dina Meyer, David Thewlis, and Sean Connery as the voice of Draco.
Related Links Yay for fansites!
The “DragonHeart” Fansite – Lots of fun stuff to be seen here, including some of the strangest movie merchandise this side of SkyMall.
Phil Tippett – I have no idea if this is an official site, but Phil Tippett talks a great deal about the character design process in “DragonHeart”. Great fun for art-type-peoples.
VFX Headquarters – And since I love showing animators some love, I’m linking to this page rather than the usual IMDB page.



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