Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/29/2009

“Dungeons and Dragons” (2000) review

(4/3/07)

OK, this movie sucks and it has absolutely nothing to do with the RPG it’s based upon. But it is at least *entertainingly* bad.

Jeremy Irons is the evil wizard Profion, who chews up the pretty, pretty scenery and sends his blue-lipped minion Damodar and his friends to go and be evil all over the magical land. Meanwhile a scrappy gang of (not really) lovable misfits roam around the magical land to save the day or something; we don’t really care. Then the good Empress Thora Birch says awesomely ridiculous dialogue after taking a shot of Nighttime Medicine before every line and there is an epic battle between the good Dragons and the bad Dragons. That last part is admittedly pretty awesome. Oh, and Riff Raff and Dr. Who are in it!
You still don’t want to watch this movie? You don’t want to see all of that? For cryin’ out loud, what DO you want?

The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – Enter Profion and Damodar. Bahahahahaha!!!
5 minutes in – DRAGON CRUELTY!!! 😦
9 minutes in – Queen Amidala?
15 minutes in – “Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!”
19 minutes in – Damodar is infected with a Yeerk!
23 minutes in – Trippy…
26 minutes in – World of Barroom Brawl-craft.
34 minutes in – I like how Weird Purple’s head almost falls off here. Class.
35 minutes in – RiffRaff!
39 minutes in – Oh, that’s cheap. Note that this part illustrates that this movie is in every way like watching somebody else play an RPG.
42 minutes in – “Prepare for a lesson in PAIN!!!” – RiffRaff
45 minutes in – Hey, do we even know the Dwarf’s name?
47 minutes in – I want whatever the Empress is smoking.
50 minutes in – Oh, Damodar, you freaky, creepy, Yeerk-infected, blue-lipped bastard.
53 minutes in – DARING RESCUE!
57 minutes in – Killer Oatmeal Rug?
1 hour, 4 minutes in – DO NOT WAAAAAANT!!!!!
1 hour, 10 minutes in – Dr. Who!
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Ridley! You Goony!
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Evil dead wizard! (How much would I rather be reading “Order of the Stick” right now?)
1 hour, 24 minutes in – OW! 😦
1 hour, 30 minutes in – DRAGON FIGHT!!!!! Yay!!!
1 hour, 35 minutes in – “Submit!”
1 hour, 36 minutes in – Niiiiice.
1 hour, 40 minutes in – Err, what?
1 hour, 42 minutes in – “When you walk away / you don’t hear me say / pleeeeeease!!!…”

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“I MUST HAVE THE ROD OF SAVRIEL!!!” – Profion
“I’ve got a new word for stupid: Ridley! This is the Ridley-est thing ever!” – Snails
“If I ain’t drinkin’, you ain’t shoppin’!” – Dwarf

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – People with blue lips are evil (this makes sense as I was always a little wary of Technotronic). They may not be as evil as people with purple lips though.
* – Dwarves are terrified of horses.
* – Contrary to popular belief (and everything in the Monstrous Manual), Beholders suck.
* – Damodar = John Locke’s dad?
* – Wizards require sparkly powder to do their magical thing.
* – Dragons are awesome! *G*

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Yes. Though if they’re going to bring in Beholders, I kinda wish they’d had a scene with OwlBears…
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? Yes.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Actually, it is okay.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you see sweeping vistas of the magical land. Drink when random weird creatures hang around in the background.  Drink again when said creatures cannot be found in any known D&D rulebook

Head Movie Potential? Yes.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Jordan. It’s not a good movie, but it IS entertainingly silly.
Credits
A New Line Film released in 2000. Written by Carroll Cartwright and Topper Lilien and directed by Courtney Solomon.
Cast
Jeremy Irons, Thora Birch, Bruce Payne, Zoe McLellan, Marlon Wayans, and Justin the Keanimal Whalin.
Related Links
The Infamous Brunching Shuttlecocks Review
Bad Movie Night Review and Bad Movie Night Review Addendums! – Wow. O_o
Greatest Movies EVER Review – Their reaction to the special features (see below) = Priceless.
64 Reasons to Watch the “Dungeons and Dragons” Movie – I think #53 is my favorite. Plus lots of fun screenshots.
We Love Damodar! – Damodar has a fan-page. I love the Internet.

Special Features Highlights
On the DVD you can see a fun short documentary that *very* briefly explains the history and significance of “Dungeons and Dragons” (the game I mean).
You can also see deleted scenes. And these deleted scenes are all of the scenes that, had they been left in the movie, would have actually helped the plot make sense.  I wish I was kidding.  It’s hilarious.

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