Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/29/2009

“The Apple” review

(11/16/06)

“The Apple” is set in an alternate-universe 1994. In this alternate 1994, everyone dresses like a character from “Jem”, specifically one who got into an epic battle with a roving pack of shiny objects and lost. Also, everyone is required to drop everything at four in the afternoon, no matter what, and participate in a massive, city-wide show-stopping song-and-dance number. “The Apple” is…
No, you know what? That’s really all you need to know about this movie.

I’ll just add that, before I found this movie on NetFlix (and decided that it had to come and visit me), all I’d ever heard about it was from cult movie websites. And almost every single one of the people who had seen this movie agreed on one point: “The Apple” is easily the *strangest* movie musical ever committed to film. Not one minute in, I had to agree. And, remember, my incredible mutant power is that I am a magnet for really weird movies (evidence can be found almost everywhere on this website), so I’m pretty jaded at this point.
I also have to mention the part, near the end of the movie, where a year or two passes with almost NO onscreen acknowledgment, aside from an easily missed line of dialogue. The DVD includes the trailer for the movie, which includes parts of a scene depicting that span of time, and it must have been cut out. So there I am wondering why the camera has been lingering on these totally random people, not knowing that they were the hero and heroine (and the kid that, oh by the way, they had together) after living with the Hippie Cavepeople for a year or two. Classic.

The Best Parts:
7 seconds in – Quick! Start up “Darkside of the Moon”!
50 seconds in – And we’re off! WTF?!?
4 minutes in – If the movie ends without anyone explaining what the hell “BIM” is, I will be sad. (NOTE: They never really do sit down and explain what BIM is. Wah.)
6 minutes in – Aw, they’re so cute! I am actually feeling *sad* for these whiny 70’s soft-rock sissies.
9 minutes in – Ahh! It’s the dreaded Anti-Brown Sound!!!
13 minutes in – “Glamour and Glitter! / Fashion and Fame!!!”
17 minutes in – “Somebody made out at our party! Let’s dance!!!”
19 minutes in – I want that f-ing car.
22 minutes in – Monsieur Boogalow’s music video! (M’eh. Mok still wins.)
26 minutes in – When I am Queen, I want as many secret rooms as possible.
28 minutes in – Hey, he’s like John Murdoch! (At least, I think he’s doing that. It makes as much sense as anything else so far.)
30 minutes in – This scene is brought to you by the Title Significance Making You Aware Of Fairy. After she has experimented with tons and tons of drugs.
34 minutes in – OMG, WTF? Alphie IMAGINED that whole thing in the space of a few seconds!?! LOLercoasters!!!
42 minutes in – Where is *your* BIM mark?!?
46 minutes in – Not only does Alphie have Tuning powers, and the ability to change his accent at will, he also has the extraordinary power of Invisible Violin Accompaniment!
48 minutes in – *THE DROP EVERYTHING AND DANCE SCENE!!!*
51 minutes in – Aw, it’s just like “Rock and Rule!”
No, actually, it’s *just* like “Rock and Rule”.
56 minutes in – “Somewhere out there! / If love can see us through!”
59 minutes in – You know, just when you think that Shake (Monsieur Boogalow’s minion guy who is an *incredibly* annoying stereotype, even for cheesy 80’s movies) couldn’t move any further into sheer “WTF” territory …
1 hour, 4 minutes in – ORGY???!!!??? (The film is rated “PG”, just so you are aware.)
1 hour, 6 minutes in – “You watched it! You can’t UN-watch it!”
1 hour, 8 minutes in – Alan Moore?
1 hour, 11 minutes in – Pandi is impressively fickle about her allegiances.
1 hour, 16 minutes in – “Dance yer cares away! (clap clap) Worries for a-NO-ther da-a-ay!”
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Listen *very* closely for the line where we find out that a year or two has passed.
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Um… wow…

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Do the BIM!!!” – Pandi and Dandi and their awesome band
“Ashley, use your imagination! This is 1994!” – Monsieur Boogalow
“I’ve never been so high in my life!” – Bibi
“Child of Love! Child of Love! Child of Love!” – Alan Moore and his Hippie Cavepeople

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Keytars are awesome.
* – Glowsticks are awesome.
* – The concept of Bling-Bling will eat itself.
* – Canadians are adorable.
* – Record companies are evil.
* – Musicians: If you sign a record contract, your entire universe might implode.
* – Champagne comes in vats.
* – Clowns are terrifying.
* – Hippies = Angels.
* – Alan Moore = God. (I think. That part is… confusing, to say the least)
* – God has an awesome car.
* – Anyone who dresses as one of these characters next Halloween wins my eternal respect and admiration.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Trippy people!
Good Soundtrack? Actually, the songs are pretty good.
Hot Guys? Alphie is cute, but note that he’s the only normal-looking guy around in 1994.
Pretty Scenery? No. The entire movie was basically filmed around one convention center and monorail station.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Um, tons and tons of shiny objects do not count.

Drinking Game Potential? Take a shot every time you see a shiny object onscreen. Be VERY careful with this one.

Head Movie Potential? Yes. I direct your attention to Bibi’s line about being high.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Jordan in an insanely -um- creative costume.
Credits
A Cannon Group Presentation of a Golan-Globus Film released in 1980 and released onto DVD by MGM in 2004 (and this shouldn’t surprise me at all by this point but the DVD for this movie is nicer than the one for “The Secret of N.I.M.H.”). Written and directed by Menahem Golan. Produced by Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus. Songs by Coby Recht and Iris Recht (who also wrote the story) and George Clinton (not THAT George Clinton). Choreography by Nigel Lythgoe. Insanely -um- creative costumes and makeup by Ingrid Zore and Colin Arthur and Moni Mansano.
Cast
Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Joss Ackland, Vladek Sheybal, and Ray Shell
Related Links
IMDB Page
Bad Movies.org review
AV Club “My Year of Flops” review

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