Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/28/2009

“Clifford” review

(7/18/05)

It’s said that every movie (or book or whatever) eventually finds the right audience.

My sister and I made a cult following of two for this here demented movie. Recently I got to wondering if there were others. Then I figured I should break out the old VHS to watch the sucker again before I went ahead and hunted around for “Clifford” fansites on the ol’ Interweb. What the heck, I was headed to California again in a week, and this centers around a theme park, as I recall.  I hadn’t sat down and watched the thing since college…
In hindsight, comments and questions as to my sanity may, as always, be posted in Crankyland. However, I already know. Thank you.

The Best Parts:
1 minute in – Pirates!
4 minutes in – Where’s Topanga?
10 minutes in – And here, children, is unprecedented evidence of an entirely different era. 😦
17 minutes in – Woo! Shout-out.
18 minutes in – Rock that there recorder, laddie!
22 minutes in – Still more entertaining than “Gus VanSant’(i)s ‘Psycho’”.
29 minutes in – Aw, man, this is why I secretly resent little kids. I wanna be able to get away with such (ahem) aggressively whimsical behavior.
34 minutes in – Missie, with all due respect, no man who would dare to go out in public dressed like *that* can rightfully be called a “dork”.
37 minutes in – IMPLIED WIG CRUELTY!!!
42 minutes in – You know, I could sit around and eat those little mint things all day too. And I might just need some to get to the same level as the producers of this film. Mmmm!
49 minutes in – The lipstick prank was pretty good, but here comes further evidence of an entirely different era.
51 minutes in – That is actually a little bit creepy…
58 minutes in – A boy and his Diplodocus. It’s a beautiful thing.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Ted wants his shorts back, kid.
1 hour, 5 minutes in – But it NEVER rains in California! I call shenanigans!
1 hour, 10 minutes in – WIG CRUELTY!!!
1 hour, 12 minutes in – You know, it would be very hard not to do so…
1 hour, 17 minutes in – DINOSAUR WORLD!!!
1 hour, 18 minutes in – Is it wrong to want a little Triceratops car to drive around in?
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Welcome to Lawsuit Land!
1 hour, 26 minutes in – Ladies and Gentlemen, something very strange is happening. In this scene involving two psychotic people and a maniacal malfunctioning dinosaur robot.

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Dinosaur World!!! Oh! I’m going to Dinosaur World!!!” – Clifford
“You wouldn’t LIE to me, would you, Uncle Martin? Cause if you did, I’d be so angry, I don’t know what I’d do…” – Clifford
“There were these bikers here! And they tied me up! And they told me STORIES of what they do on their bikes! Some of them were fun but some of them were SCARY!” – Clifford
WTF?!?

~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“I’m Larry the Scary Rex! / I’m a scary dinosaur! / But don’t be scared of my sharp, sharp teeth / or my mighty, mighty roar!” – Dinosaur World Anthem

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Adults – Don’t ever disappoint a little kid. EVER! If you do, you will pay.
* – All Pterosaurs are named Terry.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Do malfunctioning dinosaur robots count?
Good Soundtrack? You’re going to hear the little recorder melody and think, “THAT’S what movie this music is from!”
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? M’eh.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? No.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Clifford rocks the recorder.

Head Movie Potential? You really want to watch an evil little kid whilst in a drug-induced fog? Wait…

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Uh… Jordan.

Credits
An Orion Pictures release made in 1991, but released in 1994 (Things that make you go “Hmm…”). Written by Jay Dee Rock (really?) and Bobby von Hayes and directed by Paul Flaherty.
Cast
Martin Short, Charles Grodin, and Mary Steenburgen.
Related Links
IMDB page – Where I learned that “Clifford” might have the best bad movie tagline since “The Wizard of OZ” (really, go look it up).
Roger Ebert’s Review – Uh, yeah. He didn’t get it.

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