Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/28/2009

“Beauty and the Beast: the Enchanted Christmas” review

(11/29/04; This version is somewhat edited, again for obvious, and again for very sad, reasons.)

Well, first of all, apologies to the big furry guy.

Oh, Beast, I should have listened to you.
This movie is horrible; all the more so because it’s one of the first of Disney’s many, many unnecessary made-for-video sequels. I can justify “Fantasia 2000”; it was -sort of- part of Disney’s experiment after all. I can justify the “Aladdin” trilogy-of-sorts, and “the Rescuers Down Under”; it actually makes sense that these characters would have further adventures worth chronicling (also the third “Aladdin” is pretty good, and “Rescuers 2” is *very* good because they actually put a great deal of effort into it). But on the other hand, “B.A.T.B.E.C.” has got a lot to answer for. To wit, “Cinderella 2: On the Move”, “the Jungle Book 2: Back in the Habit”, “Lady and the Tramp 2: Farewell to the Flesh”, “the Little Mermaid 2: Dead by Dawn”, and so on, and so on.
Oh, and let’s not forget that most other animation studios have fallen into the made-for-video sequel pattern. And so we have “the Land Before Time 912: Do We All Have a Glandular Problem? Cause We’re Still the Same Size as in the First Movie.”, “An American Tail 3: Whatever Was Interesting in the First Movie Has Been Replaced With Cheesy Songs!”, and “All Dogs Go to Heaven 2: W-H-Y???!!!“.
And let us not even waste any space on “N.I.M.H. 2: Timmy to the Rescue”.
Beast and I debated for a long time about whose favorite animated film had the more excremental DTV sequel.  I offered to watch this movie (for free, I assured him; my aunt owned it for reasons I will not worry about here) and write a review; he would do the same for “Timmy to the Rescue”.
And… yeah.  😦
It is worth mentioning that the kind of pain you’ll experience if you dare to watch “Enchanted Christmas” is more, “I am so bored I might scream” than the “please kill me now” kind of pain that I’ve been led to expect. Just thought I’d make a note of it.  And on a much lighter note, I watched this movie and wrote the review sometime just before Easter. I wondered how many of my jokes would still be relevant?  (Answer: five.)

The Best Parts:
0 minutes in (before the movie actually starts on the video tape) – So… many… commercials…
55 seconds in – Has anybody ever tried that in real life? I mean, wouldn’t it hurt?
2 minutes in – Screaming Continuity Error: Weren’t they all there?
6 minutes in – Okay, never put any expensive-looking animation in your cheapo depot sequel.
11 minutes in – This makes no sense whatsoever…
Unless…
(Violently cringes in horror.)
Unless Chip was BORN AS A TEACUP!!!??? WTF?!?
And that there gives us all a visual that we never ever needed. Thank you, Disney! Happy Holidays to you too!
18 minutes in – Angelina Jolie? Hey, she’s Beast’s Secretary of the Interior! 😀
24 minutes in – Oh. That sucks.
29 minutes in – Oh. That really sucks. (Man, I can’t believe I made it this far!)
31 minutes in – Never reference a good Christmas special in your bad one.
32 minutes in – Ugh! Somewhere, Glen Keane is banging his head against his drafting table.
47 minutes in – Worst. Over-contrived setup. Ever!
50 minutes in – Hey! It’s like “the Good Son”!
52 minutes in – You know what’s really ridiculous about this movie? We already know how things are going to turn out! There’s no drama at all!
Oh my God, it’s just like the “Star Wars” prequels!!!
53 minutes in – Why? When was the last time you saw her manipulate time or fly?
56 minutes in – Wait, how does this curse work again?
57 minutes in – Aww… that’d be really sweet if it wasn’t another screaming continuity error.
1 hour, 3 minutes in – That is really strange if you think about it.

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Don’t whine, glasses!” – Cogsworth
“WHO DISTURBS MY CHRISTMAS???!!!???” – the Pre-Beastified Prince

~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~ Mind you, the songs don’t get any better than this.
“Oh the silver will sparkle! / And the China will gleam! / We will all be as shiny / as a brand new sardine!” – the Cast

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Never trust a flute.
* – You probably don’t want to say “shattered” in front of a pack of sentient Christmas ornaments.
* – Putti-style Cupids are evil. Pure evil.
* – Villainous Musical Instruments: Don’t ever joke about your evil plan to the heroine.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
I’d say Beast, but in this movie he’s so undignified that it’s painful to watch. He’s supposed to be, well, *beasty*! Not borderline mentally challenged.
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? Not nearly comparable to the original.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? And that goes ten times for this.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you spot a screaming continuity error.

Head Movie Potential? M’eh.

Rating: Jon rating (sucks)
Taking into account everything this movie has to answer for, whatever Jon left in the bathroom after drinking bad egg nog.
Credits
A Walt Disney Film made in 1997 by Walt Disney Television Animation. Directed by Andy Knight. Who really ought to just sit and think about what he has done.
Cast
Everyone from the original cast. I’m not kidding. Did they really have nothing better to do?

Related Links
IMDB page
The Secret of “N.I.M.H.” Archive on “Timmy to the Rescue” – “Well, I’ve seen it. I went out and rented it, spending five dollars I’ll never get back.”

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