Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/27/2009

“Virtuosity” review

(11/4/03)

The plot of this movie is: Russell Crowe is a video game villain who comes to life somehow, and Denzel Washington is the cop who has to stop him.
Y-e-a-h…..! Psy-yi-yi... duck?

You know it’s always interesting to see the kinds of movies “Best Actor” winners had to pay the bills with before they hit it big. This movie in particular is interesting, as it’s fairly typical of cyberpunk-themed movies in the mid-90’s. Now do you see why “the Matrix” trilogy came along and kicked everybody’s ass?
Curiously, while the story is balls-out ridiculous and the writing is horrible, it’s still a lot of fun to see two good actors at the top of their game. What I mean to say is this: having watched this, can you imagine if Russell Crowe played a sadistic wacko in a GOOD movie?

The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – They’ve got cool public art in cyberspace.
4 minutes in – Enjoy the Never-Ending Sushi tray at the Virtual Garden!
10 minutes in – Can this be the whole movie? *^_^*
14 minutes in – You’re a who in the what now, S.I.D.?
22 minutes in – Animal cruelty!!!
26 minutes in – And the answer to the question well all have about the S.I.D. program is hidden by a strategically placed jar.
27 minutes in – Okay, this setup is just ridiculous.
28 minutes in – OWWWWW!!!!!
32 minutes in – Ah, there’s a jolly application of your talents.
34 minutes in – RAVE!!!
35 minutes in – Ahhh! It’s the little alien girl from “Taken”!
46 minutes in – Nice.
47 minutes in – Oh, you’re dead.
49 minutes in – F__ing RUN, lady!!!
55 minutes in – I get that this scene is an attempt to explain Denzel’s character, but WHY is there a camera crew down there???
1 hour, 1 minute in – Oh, crap. RUN little alien girl!!!
1 hour, 6 minutes in – We get it! Violence is interesting! We can’t feel any more guilty about it!
1 hour, 13 minutes in – This would actually be kind of cool if he wasn’t a sadistic wacko.
1 hour, 15 minutes in – What, it’s not over?
1 hour, 18 minutes in – Good going, S.I.D. Reality sucks anyway.
1 hour, 25 minutes in – 42
1 hour, 27 minutes in – Hooray for sequel setup!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Here’s a new composition! It’s called ‘First you suffer, then you die’!” – S.I.D.
“No, I know! I KNOW! That’s how I know.” – Barnes

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Prosthetic limbs. Is there anything they can’t be used for?
* – Video game villains have killer party lairs.
* – Every time you loose a floppy disk, you kill a little virtual person. 😦
* – Snakes are made out of glass.
* – People from New Zealand hatch from big “Species”-esque pod things. Also, they are made out of glass. They can even heal themselves by eating glass.
* – Newscasts of the future will have three people talking at once.
* – Sampling is a fun way to make music.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
No, just Russell.
Good Soundtrack? I do like that one Live song.
Hot Guys? Mmmmmmmmmm…….. Denzel…………….
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects? Snakes that are made out of glass!!! Virtual New Zealanders who hatch from pod things!!! Virtual New Zealanders who hatch from pod things and can regenerate by EATING GLASS!!!

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when S.I.D. wants to PLAY!!! Drink again when Barnes finds an unusual use for his prosthetic arm.

Head Movie Potential? There’s some trippy stuff in this movie (required by law if your movie involves cyberpunk themes) but it’s pretty scary looking.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
I gotta admit, anything that shows Russell Crowe hatching from a pod thing and healing himself by EATING GLASS deserves a Jordan at least.
Credits
A Brett Leonard film made in 1995 by Paramount Pictures. Written by Eric Bernt, and directed by Brett Leonard. Trippy animation by L2 Communications.
Related Links
IMDB page

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