Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/27/2009

“Reign of Fire” review

(3/30/04)

You really can’t blame me for wanting to cover this one.

This is easily the most camp-tacular movie since -uh- since that “Dungeons and Dragons” movie. It’s way short though. Too short to even comment on, really. Let me just say this:
1) Christian Bale has to be our mascot here in the Realm.
2) Never mind what we saw in “Dragon World”. Wyverns are a Baaaaaaad-arse species of dragon. Heck, {in-character} I’d wanna be a Wyvern, if they weren’t so out of their element whenever they’re not flying, and didn’t bare an unfortunate resemblance to the bat on the Bacardi bottle. More importantly, how would I hold my coffee on the go?{/in-character} (You’re going to see a lot of {in-character} today, just to warn you.)
3) (Most important of all.) {in-character} *I* could take Matthew McConaughey. {/in-character}

The Best Parts:
1 minute, 2 seconds in (opening credits) – What. IS. This?
4 minutes in – Scholarship schmolarship. When do we get to see Yowler and friends go berserk?
5 minutes in – “Wikkid” what?!? (You know, forget tea taxes. I think this is REALLY where the British and the Bostonians became disillusioned with each other.)
8 minutes in – “Aliens” much?
10 minutes in – Somebody must have realized at this point that they were taking this situation way-arse too seriously.
14 minutes in – “Okay, little kids! Steal this movie!!!”
22 minutes in – {in-character}{evil} So during all this mayhem, humans haven’t learned how to not die from smoke inhalation? I see this as useful. {/evil}{/in-character}
31 minutes in – Okay, do you mind explaining how they got from Kansas to Scotland?
34 minutes in – {in-character} (Evil, evil grin.) I have great vision at dusk! {/in-character}
39 minutes in – In several reviews, I have diagnosed the scene where the hero meets his girl (and, rarely, vice-versa) as the “Lamest. Meet-Cute. EVER.” I think this one has to win.
41 minutes in – Here’s what I don’t understand. Wouldn’t the hawk want to give the Wyverns a LOT of room?
43 minutes in – And why do they still have computers? And freakin’ electricity???
45 minutes in – And now they have a horse!!! A nice crunchy horse!!!
46 minutes in – How do they pick who has to be bait?
50 minutes in – Yo!!! It’s a Wyvern, Matt! Big f__kin’ fangs, man, and these ones have the fire breath weapon. You want no business with the head end!
55 minutes in – But what happens when Alex dies?
57 minutes in – Woo. Shout-out.
1 hour, 6 minutes in – (Reflexively wraps arms around abdomen in defense.) GROSS!!!!! Why did he do that?!?
1 hour, 12 minutes in – How the hell did he sneak up on the castle?
1 hour, 18 minutes in – That sucks. And only Laketown can really empathize.
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Holy *eesht*, I feel bad for the female Wyverns.
1 hour, 27 minutes in – In the end, the only things left will be cockroaches, Cher, sarcastic sex-bots that look like Jude Law, and the T.
1 hour, 29 minutes in – Yo!!! Watch out for the tail-stinger, stupid!!!
1 hour, 31 minutes in – Arrogant bastard! He’s gonna fry!!! (pause) YAH!!!
1 hour, 34 minutes in – That was… anticlimactic. And Assipattle thought of it first.
1 hour, 37 minutes in – I dare you to hum along to this song.

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“There’s nothin’ MAGICAL about ’em!!!” – VanZandt
“Only one thing wurse ‘n a drakon! Ameereekins!!!” – Creedy the Token Irish Accent (Okay, how do they know they’re from America before they even say anything?)
“Y’ever see one a’these? Not many men have. Got it from th’first one I ever killed.” – VanZandt shows off his Wyvern fang

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – If there is only one male of your species in the entire world, you are f__ked.
* – The original “Star Wars” trilogy will survive everything, even whatever George Lucas does to it.
* – Study your folktales and legends, kids. You never know which one’s going to come to life and try to kill you.
* – Some people are immune to Wyvern venom. Who knew? (You know, in a less stupid movie, that’d be integral to the plot…)
* – Don’t let annoying little kids anywhere near construction sites.
* – Humanity will never be able to admit when the gig is up.
* – The nutritional value of ash is underrated.
* – Don’t ever question the methods of a dragon slayer.
* – Fire is cozy to sit in.
* – Wyverns are the best flyers among dragons, but they lack a considerable amount of majesty on the ground.
* – Scotland is STILL the Lost World!

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Baaaaaaad-arse dragons.
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? Maybe if they didn’t have s__t all over them.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Yeah, I guess.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you see the Burnination of the countryside. Drink twice if you see the Burnination of the people.

Head Movie Potential? Not really.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Jordan getting eaten by Vermathrax Pagorative.
Credits
A Spyglass Entertainment Film released in 2002 by Touchstone Pictures. Directed by Rob Bowman.
Cast
Christian Bale, Matthew McConaughey, Gerard Butler, Izabella Scourpco, and a bunch of other human characters we don’t really care about
Related Links
IMDB page
Greatest Movie EVER Review – All hail Stomniir!!!

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