Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/27/2009

“Purple Rain” review

(6/9/03)

I am sure that I am the only Child of the Eighties who has managed to go for this long without ever having watched “Purple Rain”. I know enough that people either love or hate this movie.

That makes sense; Prince was one of the first 80’s musicians to have a really big cult following. If you are a Prince fan, you probably at least tolerate this movie. If you are like me and are kind of ambivalent about Prince (I like most of his singles, but that’s pretty much it) you will probably end up hating him by the end of this movie. And if you hate Prince, you should only watch this movie if you really, really want to punish yourself.
Because “Purple Rain” is all about Prince. And the strangest thing about it is that, for what amounts to a really long ego trip, he doesn’t present himself as an admirable person at all. His interactions with Appolonia could be reedited into a documentary about sexual harassment. Their romance is less convincing than the one at the core of “Natural Born Killers”.
There’s only so much of Prince’s ego you can take, but “Purple Rain” isn’t a complete waste of time. The soundtrack does kick much ass.  Funny, I liked the sequel much better.

The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – Metal signs? At a Prince concert?
10 minutes in – Woah, “Jay and Silent Bob” flashback!
14 minutes in – KILLER ROUND SHINEY GLASSES!!!
19 minutes in – This is going to be one long-ass movie…
24 minutes in – Okay, this USED to be my favorite Prince song.
40 minutes in – I dunno, Prince. Considering their DNA combined into you, your ‘rents are pretty boring.
51 minutes in – EUUUUW!!! SICK DUDE!
1 hour, 1 minute in – Confronting your father can bring about Lesbian fantasies. Is that what we’re supposed to get out of this scene?
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Aw yeah, now that’s a turn-on.
1 hour, 15 minutes in – Oh, I see, he’s the Prince and he’s rescuing his lady faire. God, I hate this movie.
1 hour, 23 minutes in – “I know how to make me not depressed anymore! I’ll play that tape of sad music!”
1 hour, 28 minutes in – Damn. I was kind of hoping the Revolution would beat up the Time. 😦
1 hour, 30 minutes in – Okay, he finally sang the damn song. Can this movie end now? PLEASE???
1 hour, 46 minutes in (end credits start after Prince sings three songs in a row) – Unnnnngh…..?

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Your lips would make a lollipop TOO happy.” – Morris Day (in an attempt to make Prince look like a perfect gentleman in comparison I guess)
“Your music makes sense to NO-ONE but yourself!” – Guy Who Runs the Club (Prince ignores him)

~*~POETRY CORNER~*~
“I met a girl named Nikki / I guess you could call her a sex fiend. / I met ‘er in a hotel lobby masterbatin’ to a magazine!” – Prince

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Morris Day is an evil, evil man.
* – Pop-up puppets are damn scary.
* – Crying is a backwards orgasm.
* – Bongos aren’t really a good choice for ominous music.
* – The colors purple and red can actually get real boring after a while.
* – The best way to endear yourself to a girl is to drive her off into the woods, trick her into taking off her clothes, then pretend to abandon her, THEN almost break both her legs while she tries to board your motorcycle. And remember to b*tch-slap her later.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Good Soundtrack? KICK-ASS 80’S MUSIC!!!!!
Hot Guys? Nope, just Prince.
Pretty Scenery? Not really.
Cool Creatures? Nope, just Prince.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects? There are some amusingly cheesy lighting effects during the concert scenes.

Drinking Game Potential? Take a drink during any scene where Prince’s ego reaches critical mass. Or take a drink any time you see something purple.

Head Movie Potential? It depends on how worried you are about having nightmares about Killer 80’s Rock Clothing!!!

Rating: Jon rating (sucks)
Jon and a quarter. So, that’s like Jon and maybe Danny’s head or something. Aren’t I proud that I found the logical flaw in my rating system already!

Credits
A Warner Brothers picture released in 1984. Directed by Albert Magnoli. Songs by Prince and People Associated With Prince.
CAST: Prince’s Ego, Appolonia, How Much Everyone Agreed With Prince That He Was the Greatest Musician in the World, Morris Day, Prince, Wendy and Lisa, the Guy in Prince’s Band who Dressed Like a Surgeon, and a whole lot of Unfortunate New Wave Fashions.
Related Links
IMDB page
Greatest Movie EVER review
Kevin Smith’s adventure with Prince

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