Okay, help me figure this out. “Sense and Sensibility”, “the Ice Storm”, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”… and “the Incredible Hulk”. There’s a logical progression for ya. I don’t know if Ang Lee was the right director to handle this. He’s good at quiet, emotional movies, and he’s excellent at high fantasy. This here’s a movie about a guy who turns into a big green monster and breaks things.
Only… it’s not.
Remember how they couldn’t wait to get Spiderman swinging through town? Or to have Wolverine start kicking ass? Well, think of that when you watch this and keep track of how long it takes for Hulk to start smashing things.
Alright, so I’m being a bit unfair. After all, the Hulk has always been coming from a darker place than, say, Superman. But I think if you’re going to make a superhero movie, it has to have some sense of humor. This one has worrying and emotional pain. It just isn’t any fun to watch.
And if you can explain what the heck is going on in those final twenty minutes, well… good for you.
The Best Parts:
1 minutes in – ANIMAL CRUELTY GALORE!!!
6 minutes in – GNOME!!! DRAGON!!!
10 minutes in – Lady, when you’re screaming in your sleep, it’s called a night terror.
12 minutes in – Stan Lee! Also, Lou Ferrigno!
16 minutes in – NOOO!!! NOT FREDDY!!!! (That was actually really sick.)
26 minutes in – There goes that “GATTACA” theme again. I wish I were reviewing that movie instead. Mmmmm… Jude…..
29 minutes in – We are about a half hour into the movie that is ostensibly about the Incredible Hulk, and only NOW is Dr. Banner pelted by Gamma-Rays.
36 minutes in – He’s just cranky cause he hasn’t got his electric spear thingy. ^_^
42 minutes in – HULK SMASH!!! >:O (Look at how long that took!!!)
55 minutes in – “Morpheus?!?”
57 minutes in – DNA isn’t magic, dammit!!!
1 hour, 1 minute in – “Oh, Ludo, you look like such a nice beast. I hope you are what you seem!”
1 hour, 5 minutes in – Aw, it’s just like “Beauty and the Beast”!
No, really, it is JUST like “Beauty and the Beast.”
1 hour, 10 minutes in – I think they should have dubbed out the singing Chickadees in the background.
1 hour, 13 minutes in – Where’s W.O.P.R.?
1 hour, 17 minutes in – Woah, cool! He could make for one kickass supervillain!
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Security Guard guy, you should f___ing RUN!
1 hour, 26 minutes in – GANZFELD TANK!!!
1 hour, 29 minutes in – Another one for the Book of Great Mad Scientist Quotes.
1 hour, 33 minutes in – “Aw, he thinks he’s people!” – Krabappel
1 hour, 39 minutes in – I’ll wager this guy’s glad he’s in an olive-green uniform.
1 hour, 40 minutes in – Flying Hulk, Snickering Dragon (I had to. Sorry.)
1 hour, 45 minutes in – PRETTY ROCK FORMATION CRUELTY!!!
1 hour, 50 minutes in – Um, how long can Hulk hold his breath, anyway?
2 hours, 2 minutes in – “Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!?”
2 hours, 4 minutes in – This is about when you want the Shrooms to kick in.
2 hours, 7 minutes in – What… the… f___?
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“I’m just saying, frogs start falling from the sky, who do they come to? We’d be world renowned!” – Dr. Ross
“That’s terrible! You know I’d never hurt you.” – Dr. Banner (This line was brought to you by the Foreshadowing Fairy!)
“My son is… unique… And because he is unique, the world will not tolerate his existence.” – David Banner
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Don’t tell an obsessed scientist that he can’t use human test subjects. He’s just going to do so anyway.
* – If your little kid doesn’t ever cry when he’s hurt, start worrying.
* – If you’ve been heavily irradiated and you don’t even have a headache, start worrying.
* – Start worrying even more if you start having trippy dreams about animals in a desert.
* – Start worrying even MORE if two big, tough dogs (and, well, a poodle) are scared of you.
* – Visiting a creepy janitor at home = Fun for all!
* – Evidently, all kinds of dogs disintegrate when they die.
* – Don’t play with cattle prods.
* – Don’t drill into people’s brains. Especially if the person you want to drill into is a good ten times your size and your leg is broken.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? HULK!!! >:O
Good Soundtrack? HULK SMASH MUSIC!!! >:O
Hot Guys? HULK SMASH GUYS!!! >:O (But yay Eric Bana!)
Pretty Scenery? HULK SMASH SCENERY!!! >:O (Yeah.)
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? HULK SMASH HULK’S OWN ANIMATORS!!! HULK IS TOTALLY META!!! >:O (Seriously, WETA Digital has spoiled me rotten. But the animation is still very impressive here.)
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you see childhood trauma. Drink again when trippy pretentious crap happens for no reason.
Head Movie Potential? Whoever came up with the, uh, epic battle(???) at the end was obviously on some VERY good drugs. Follow suit.
Ehhh… Danny. Hey, at least it beats “Daredevil” all to hell.
A Valhalla Film released in 2003 by Universal Studios in association with Marvel entertainment. Written by James Schamus and directed by Ang Lee. Animation supervised by Denis Murin.
Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, and Nick Nolte’s mug shot (easy dig, I know; I’m sorry).