Hoo boy, am I gonna be on my soapbox with this one.
This was an hour and a half that I could have better spent sleeping. But you know me by now, and that you’re reading the words of somebody who felt the need to sit through “the Princess and the Goblin”, “Thumbelina”, and “Pocahontas” because of her faith that there’s not a single animated film that isn’t somehow worthwhile. I am wrong, of course, and officially became disillusioned with most modern-day mainstream animation by, oh, about the fifth “Land Before Time”. So what did I, a woman, think of “Heavy Metal”?
This is one ugly-ass movie. Also, none of the various stories in it are particularly creative or interesting. There is one common subject, though. What is “Heavy Metal” all about? That is the issue I have been skirting here.
“Heavy Metal” is not, despite the title, about rock music. And it is not about an evil glowing ball of evil. Instead… it is apparently about breasts.
Yup, this movie is all about the ta-tas. Every single female character in this film has gigantic boobs. That is her only interesting personality trait. I kid you not.
You may gather that, if you happen to be a smart, geeky chick with *small* mammalian extremities, then this is going to be the longest hour and a half of your life. I should mention that, evidently in the interest of fairness, the IS a cartoon penis in this movie. Okay, so it’s ONE weenie shot against an estimated seven or eight booby shots.
So, who wants to help me make a series of shockingly reverse-sexist cartoons?
The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – Is this what became of Repo Man?
5 minutes in – “Look, honey! It’s that thing from the end of ‘Time Bandits’!”
7 minutes in – I must say, I never expected to hear Steely Dan in this context.
9 minutes in – How much would I rather be watching “the Fifth Element” right now?
11 minutes in – Journey??? “OPEN ARMS”?????
12 minutes in – What have I gotten myself into?
15 minutes in – That is so much cooler than a cell phone.
18 minutes in – Well, at least that’s a service to the species’ gene pool.
20 minutes in – The one CARTOON WIENER shot!
27 minutes in – Surprisingly, the monster ate them. The End. (pause) Damn.
30 minutes in – They’ve got good acid on this planet.
31 minutes in – Who made these dweebs the rulers of the planet?
35 minutes in – Shove his punk-ass out the airlock!!!
37 minutes in – Wow. Just like “Primal Fear”.
46 minutes in – Wasn’t this a “Resident Evil” sequel?
49 minutes in – Matrix Agents need love too.
52 minutes in – Are. You. KIDDING???
54 minutes in – Holy eesht! A female character in this movie with something resembling morals!
57 minutes in – Thank you, God.
59 minutes in – “Nothing can stop the Smooze!!!”
1 hour, 2 minutes in – So lemme guess. This Last Defender of Tarak is a chick with giant, mutant boobs?
1 hour, 5 minutes in – Clairvoyance is a hideous b____ goddess. I like her pet Rotund Pterosaur, though.
1 hour, 8 minutes in – “For the honor of Greyskull!!!”
1 hour, 12 minutes in – Only now do we see a band in this movie entitled “Heavy Metal”. And whatever their playing is *not* heavy metal. Or weighty brass.
1 hour, 18 minutes in – NOOOO!!! CIRRUS!!!!!
1 hour, 22 minutes in – What the…?
1 hour, 23 minutes in – Rotund Pterosaur LIVES!!!
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“My evil corrupts the most innocent! I have chosen you, because you possess powers you do not yet understand!” – Loc-Narr, the evil glowing ball of evil
“There was no way I was gonna walk around this place with my dork hangin’ out!” – Den
“Oh, wow. Good Naiborg.” – Pink druggie alien dude
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Every day, female sci-fi/fantasy fans should take a moment to appreciate their favorite sci-fi/fantasy heroines who aren’t afraid to kick ass when they need to, but who also aren’t afraid to be intelligent or sensitive when they need to. And who have normal-sized boobs. I’m sure you’ve seen enough movies, books, comics, and so on like this movie to know why.
* – Orcs have no shame.
* – Don’t ever kill a warrior-queen’s pet Rotund Pterosaur.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Orc dudes, druggie alien dudes, and the Rotund Pterosaur (who happens to be the most interesting character in the whole movie).
Good Soundtrack? Yeah, but don’t expect a lot of hard rock in spite of the title. Which is very strange.
Hot Guys? Given all I’ve said about this movie, do you think it was even remotely made with the women in the audience in mind? We get no eye-candy. Every person and creature in this movie was beaten within a micrometer of their lives with the ugly stick.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Horrible. That’s ignoring the content, mind you.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you see boobs. Obvious.
Head Movie Potential? You may very well need to be sedated to make it through this thing.
Look, it’s Jon again! Go watch the “Heavy Metal” parodying scenes in “the Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys” or the “Major Boobage” episode of “South Park” instead.
A Reitman / Mogel production released in 1981 by Columbia Pictures. Art Direction by Michael Gross, Music Direction by Elmer Bernstein. Written by Dan Goldberg and Len Baum, and directed by Gerald Potterton.
John Candy, Eugene Levy, and pretty much everyone else associated with Ivan Reitman.
“Major Boobage” – Watch the whole episode!