Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/27/2009

“Hackers!” review

(11/4/03)

Once again, we have a typical cyberspace-themed movie from 1995. And once again, we can remind ourselves why “the Matrix” trilogy came along and kicked everybody’s ass.

Okay, already I’m being unfair. This movie has a lot more in common with “WarGames”. “WarGames” was made in 1983 and is STILL the best movie about a hacker. But, if you’re going to watch this movie instead, at least you get to watch the movie that does for Club Kids what the “Breakin'” movies did for Hip-Hop. And you get to watch the geeky version of a battle of the sexes… as imagined by Hollywood. All the real Geek Battles I’ve ever seen involve movie quotes and “Simpsons” characters.

The Best Parts:
6 minutes in – Hey, that’s Dave Lightman’s computer!
7 minutes in – GEEK FIGHT!!!
11 minutes in – Freeeeeeeeeeeeek!
15 minutes in – RAVE!!!
18 minutes in – “I just so happen to have an umbrella handy. NOBODY will ever suspect the sprinkler prank was my idea! Ha ha ha!!!”
20 minutes in – RAVE!!! Second movement.
24 minutes in – Oooh, trippy.
26 minutes in – And, tragically, Da5id’s brain was erased.
31 minutes in – NO!!! Not Banana Jr.!!!
33 minutes in – That doesn’t sound like something Joey would do. I wonder if Plague planted that virus?
34 minutes in – Behold my astonishing psychic powers!
35 minutes in – Isn’t that a Power Glove?
39 minutes in – Computer Cruelty!!!
40 minutes in – RAVE!!! (And I like this song, too.)
42 minutes in – 42 (woah… You know, that’s the only geeky thing in this movie that rings true.)
46 minutes in – “Cwash wuvs Buwn(‘s laptop)!”
48 minutes in – “Of course you know, this means WAR!!!” – Bunny, 12/12/42 (“Case of the Missing Hare”)
51 minutes in – Okay, that’s getting old.
55 minutes in – So where’s the kitty?
59 minutes in – Wow that’s evil.
1 hour, 6 minutes in – “Now, to make soap, you need to render fat…”
1 hour, 10 minutes in – “Geee-eee-eeeks! Come out and Pla-ee-ay!!!”
1 hour, 11 minutes in – Yet another RAVE!!! Dig that chandelier hat.
1 hour, 12 minutes in – Sushi-K!
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Did they steal that from the director’s cut of “Aliens”?
1 hour, 16 minutes in – The flying dog STILL wins!
1 hour, 21 minutes in – GEEK WAR!!!
1 hour, 24 minutes in – These are the slowest feds ever.
1 hour, 29 minutes in – “And then *poof*, he’s gone!”
1 hour, 31 minutes in – Nowadays, that trick would get you arrested AND cause a national panic.

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
Crash’s Mom – “What did we learn in school today?”
Crash Override – “REVENGE!!!”

“That’s a nice score for a girl.” – Crash meets Acid Burn at the arcade (idiot)
“Hacking is more than just a crime. It’s a survival trait.” – Razor
“I WANT it! I want it to have my baby!!!” – Phreak (and he is talking about Burn’s laptop)
“There is no right or wrong. There’s only fun and boring!!!” – Plague

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Hackers can do anything! They are like magic!
* – Once again, parents – check on your kids’ hideouts! You will save yourself much stress in the long run.
* – Never let other people choose your online nickname.
* – Current Virtual Reality technology makes you look stupid.
* – Don’t let anybody snoop around in your computer.
* – A computer program looks like what you see when you rub your eyes real hard.
* – L33T Hackers look out for each other.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Do Club Kids count?
Good Soundtrack? Yeah.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Yeah, sure.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink you see a montage of random film clips and things. Drink again when the characters are dreaming. Drink AGAIN when Angelina slips into that weird sort-of-British accent of hers.

Head Movie Potential? During this movie, I started wondering why so many cyberspace-themed movies have some trippy element or other to them. Then I remembered what the Internet is like…

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
The depiction of geeks and pranksters is ridiculous, but this is admittedly entertaining enough to warrant a Jordan.
Credits
An MGM Film made in 1995. Written by Rafael Moreu and directed by Ian Softley.
Cast
Angelina Jolie, Mathew Lillard, Pen Jillette, and a bunch of people never heard from since.
Related Links
IMDB page

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