This movie is so… it’s just… It is so great. It is SO great, it’s not to be believed how great it is. Honest.
Drew Barrymore’s character sleds into a tree and starts to hallucinate. She dreams that she’s in Toyland, with candy and teddy bears and magic and whimsy and childhood merriment (Disney’s patents are still pending). Actually, she finds that Toyland is mainly populated by idiot humans (whose many woes would be solved if they weren’t idiots) and Fursuiters (if you have to ask, you probably don’t want to know). And it is also populated by… Le Keanu.
So… many… jokes… Must… resist…
*Ahem*, okay. So here in Toyland, Keanu wants to marry this chick Mary (as in Quite Contrary, I think, unless she’s the one with the sheep), but he has been framed for every cookie crime Toyland has a law for. See, this guy Barnaby ALSO wants to marry Mary, for some remarkably complicated reason that involves taking over Toyland’s bakery. So Drew and Keanu go and seek help from the leader of Toyland, the mysterious Toymaker.
Wait… Toymaker… KEYmaker! Holy isht, how far down DOES that rabbit hole go?
Other fun things to be seen in this movie include Toymaker’s little Bottle O’Evil, the “Let’s Hear it for Lisa Song”, the “All-Purpose Happy Day Song”, the Evil Giant Annalee Dolls, and the amazing Trollog the Psychic Chicken/Cyclops!!!
Incidentally, you are advised not to look Drew or Keanu in the eyes during this whole movie. Seriously, you may cry, because they both look so utterly depressed.
The Best Parts:
32 seconds in – YEAAAH!!! Owah boy, ‘eez really sumpin’!
4 minutes in – Euw, is she eating a giant bowl of whipped cream?
5 minutes in – KEANU!!!!! (Wait, what’s with the duck?)
7 minutes in – Slap a harassment suit on the f__ker’s ass!
10 minutes in – The Cincinnati Song!!!
13 minutes in – CAKE CRUELTY!!!
14 minutes in – “Here, have a cookie. It isn’t real but the ‘Special Ingredient’ still works.” (Okay, drink when I make a “Matrix” cross-reference.)
16 minutes in – Aw, that blows.
17 minutes in – Look out! He knows Kung-Fu!!!
19 minutes in – Nice manicure.
20 minutes in – KICK HIS ASS, KEANU!!!
21 minutes in – The “Let’s Hear it For Lisa!” song!
23 minutes in – Trollog the Psychic Chicken/Cyclops!!!
25 minutes in – BAKED GOODS CRUELTY!!!
27 minutes in – How many Jacks are in this town?
29 minutes in – Toymaker built my Go-Cart.
32 minutes in – Yeah, but he also helps his landlady take out the garbage!
34 minutes in – “Justice Grimm, has anybody ever told you about Cincinnati???” – Lisa
36 minutes in – EVIL GIANT ANNALEE DOLLS!!!
40 minutes in – Yeah, so, like, WHY does he have a little Bottle O’Evil?!?
45 minutes in – This is the first scene where this hit me: what’s the deal with Barnaby’s hat?
47 minutes in – So, which one’s going to have to eat the other to survive?
49 minutes in – Damn. Poor Trollog.
53 minutes in – Yeah, uh, great job there, Mr. Security Guard Teddy.
56 minutes in – Not entirely unlike that one scene in “Fellowship” with Bilbo, Normal Keanu briefly changes into EVIL KEANU!!! (F__k it, this is officially the Greatest Movie With Keanu in it That Doesn’t Involve a Magic Phone Booth, an Exploding Bus, rotoscoping, or Marauding Industrial Squids.)
58 minutes in – YAH!!! KICK HIS ASS, KEANU!!!
1 hour, 1 minutes in – Free your mind, Georgie!!!
1 hour, 3 minutes in – “You always told me to stay off the freeway…”
1 hour, 6 minutes in – Didn’t they parody this song in the “South Park” movie?
1 hour, 10 minutes in – EPIC BATTLE!!!
1 hour, 15 minutes in – KICK HIS ASS, KEANU!!! YAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
1 hour, 18 minutes in – The All-Purpose Happy Day Song!
1 hour, 19 minutes in – “It (forever) isn’t long enough!” Awwwwwwww…..! (God, I hope “Revolutions” has a super-happy ending too…)
1 hour, 24 minutes in – “I was in this town with talking toys, and Mother Goose people! And horrible monsters tried to eat me!” – Lisa, upon waking up
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Oh, Mary, a Mountain Master! They’re the best and so are you!” – Lisa
“He’s so evil and so bizarre! Sometimes, he gets so angry, he rolls his house down the street and knocks everyone over like they were nine-pins!” – Georgie, on Barnaby
JACK: (cheery as heck) “That’s the Forest of Night. Don’t go in there!”
GEORGE: (also cheery as heck) “Yeah, cause it’s full of trolls and nightmare creatures!”
“Why don’t you keep your business out of other people’s noses?” – Mrs. Hubbard
“There’s one place we haven’t looked! The Bowling Ball!!!” – Lisa
“He’s got trolls! Hundreds of ugly trolls. And THEY ate all the cookies!” – Jack
“Now it’s WAR!!! (Releases the Trolls.) …Welcome to Toyland! Hurt the Nice People!!!” – Barnaby
“One day, I will come visit your planet, Cincinnati.” – Justice Grimm
~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“At first they called it ‘Cinci’ / But since ‘Cinci’ is so natty / they called it Cincinnati!!!” – the Cast
“Let’s hear it for the girl of the month! / No, more than a month, the whole year!!!” – the Toyland townspeople
“May we wish you the happiest Wedding! / The happiest Birthday! / The happiest Christmas!” – the Toyland townspeople (I want to know if the verses go on to “the happiest Arbor Day / the saddest Memorial Day / the happiest Dental Checkup” and so on.)
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Cincinnati is the happiest place on Earth!
(Well, I’ve since visited and… no, it isn’t really. However, the reason I was in Cincinnati is because I was stranded there after I missed a connecting flight [from the most depressingest place on Earth, but let’s not get into that] back home. Everyone was really, really nice and they made a potentially traumatic experience as comfortable as possible for me and all the other stranded New Englanders.)
* – Working in a toy store isn’t as much fun as it sounds.
* – Why not sue your boss for the holidays?
* – Sherlock Holmes was a giant frog.
* – Have a trap door in your bakery that leads down to a spooky cave populated by trolls. You know, just in case.
* – It is ALWAYS daytime in Toyland. Also, everyone eats cake and cookies. Do you know what that implies? That’s right, in Toyland, NOBODY EVER SLEEPS!!! O.O
* – It’s okay to eat cookies off the floor.
* – A lot of storybook villainy consists of sitting around, waiting for people to stumble into your lair.
* – Some people will go through a LOT for business ownership.
* – Storybook villains: don’t mistreat your pet monsters or they’ll gang up and eat you in the end.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Scary giant toys, Evil Annalee Dolls, and a Psychic Chicken/Cyclops!!!
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? Just Keanu as a lad.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? No.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Barnaby calls Lisa “Cinciwatski”. Drink when you hear the “Toyland” song (count background music). Drink anytime they talk about Ohio or Cincinnati. Drink when baked goods get destroyed. And, of course, toast Keanu.
Head Movie Potential? Most definitely.
Donnie in his Santa suit.
An Orion Television Entertainment production made in 1986. Written by Paul Zindel (as in “the Pigman”?), based on the play by Glen MacDonough. Directed by Clive Donner.
Drew Barrymore, Richard Mulligan, Eileen Brennan, Jill Schoelen, Googy Gress (Googy???), Pat Morita, and… Keanu Reeves *G*