Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/27/2009

“All Monsters Attack!” review

(11/5/04)

(A.k.a. “Godzilla’s Revenge” and “Gojira, Minira, Gabara: All Kaiju Daishingeki!”)
We have gone way too long here without showing love to the King.

This is easily the strangest Godzilla movie I have ever seen. That is an absolutely remarkable achievement if you think about it. This is actually more like a clip show than an actual movie; all the monster battles are from previous Godzilla adventures. Now, clip shows usually have framing stories. The one we get here is totally class.
Meet Ichiro, an annoying little kid who has got no chance at all. You will understand what I mean when you first see him in the movie. Ichiro gets picked on by both kids and adults, but he has a way of coping. You guessed it; he hides in his room alone and pretends to talk to monsters. Amazingly, Minya (that’s Godzilla’s kid; he looks a little like a Garbage Pail Kid, sounds like a donkey and blows little smoke rings) has a Valuable Lesson to teach Ichiro. If bullies are bothering you every day, beat them up until they surrender. Also, you can take on vicious criminals by yourself even if you are a small child.
Interesting thing to notice: We get clips from many previous “Godzilla” movies, so we get to see many different “versions” of the big guy. The rather sinister Gorilla-Whale of the first few movies, the Barney-ish proud pop from “Son of Godzilla”, and my personal favorite, the Godzilla of “Ebirah” and “Destroy All Monsters”. He looks like Cookie Monster!

The Best Parts:
1 minute in (opening credits) – I have a new favorite song.
3 minutes in – Ah, gee. This kid is doomed. Hey, he’s the Japanese Prince Mio!
6 minutes in – I honestly have no idea what I could possibly say here that could make this scene more ludicrous than it already is.
8 minutes in – Hey, it’s the Toymaster! 😀
11 minutes in – Check out life before “Pokémon”.
12 minutes in – Damn, Ichiro. You gotta lose the Urkle shorts, okay?
13 minutes in – YAH!!! YAH!!! KICKA__!!!
19 minutes in – Oh… kay…?
22 minutes in – Don’t tell me he was going to pitch those rocks at the bullies?
26 minutes in – “When car-chasers dream.”
28 minutes in – UGH!!! Don’t talk with your mouth full!!!
31 minutes in – Dramatic Slow Motion!!!
34 minutes in – Hey, save me the tail meat.
36 minutes in – Where’s the Light of Elendil when you need it?
39 minutes in – Ah! Ah! What the hell?
46 minutes in – “I’d like to share with you a revelation I had about your species…”
48 minutes in – Woah, Gabara really is a s.o.b.
56 minutes in – Whenever you are in a fix, you have to ask yourself, “what would Minya do?”
1 hour in – Um… can we go back to Monster Island now?
1 hour, 2 minutes in – BURLY BRAWL!!!
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Oh, yeah, Ichiro’s parents don’t even know that any of this has happened!
1 hour, 6 minutes in – SUPER BRAWL!!!
1 hour, 7 minutes in – Wait, what did the painter do?
1 hour, 9 minutes in – So Ichiro kicked Gabara’s butt, and now they’re friends! Let’s all try this in real life!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Hey, let’s go see what’s in that abandoned building, you wanna, huh?” – Ichiro to his… “girlfriend” (Yeah. Um, nobody’s buying it, Ichiro. Sorry.)
“Haha! Your monster is Gabara, eh?” – Toymaster
“EE-eee-oh-wee-arr-doo-CHAHH!!” – Ichiro mimicking Minya

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – It’s okay to pick up shiny objects found along train tracks.
* – Japanese bullies dance around and scream to taunt their victims.
* – If you find that your friend who is an old man has burned himself, you don’t need to help him.
* – If you are asked to check on a little kid, and you find him passed out next to an electrical device that he has obviously built himself, assume everything is okay and wake him up.
* – Radio tubes need to be shined like apples.
* – Godzilla can breath underwater. Who knew?
* – Jets regularly fly to Monster Island just to annoy Godzilla.
* – Gargantuan 100,000,000 year old sea dragons are remarkably caring dads.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
GODZILLA!!! And a pretty good representation of the more obscure Toho monsters.
Good Soundtrack? Uh… it’s very campy-60’s.
Hot Guys? No.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Well, you know what you’re getting into when you watch this kind of movie.

Drinking Game Potential? Sure-fire drinking game idea for all Godzilla movies: Drink when Godzilla gives up and finally uses his breath weapon.

Head Movie Potential? And how.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
Bambi vs. Jordan.
Credits
A Toho Co., Ltd. Film made in 1969. Written by Sinichi Sekizawa and directed by Inoshiro Honda.
Cast
Tomonori Yazaki as Ichiro, Sachio Sakai as Mr. Agent Badguy, Haruo Nakajima as Godzilla, and Little Man Machan (que?) as Minya. With special guest appearances by Gabara, Kumonga, Kamacuras, Gorosaurus, Anguirus, Manda, and Ebirah.
Related Links
IMDB page

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