Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/30/2009

“Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night” review

(8/13/08)

Okay, so nobody making this movie was creeped out by the idea of real boy Pinocchio crushing on a non-talking puppet?
I seem to recall having watched this stupid movie a lot as a kid. I was hoping it’d be crazier than I remembered but it’s actually kind of boring… up until a certain point. Then it just lays on the Nightmare Fuel and Warped… excuse me, Family Unfriendly (rolls eyes) Aesops. You’d never expect something this inept to have such creepy stuff in it.
In the end, though, you wonder how the Disney people felt about all this.

The Best Parts:
35 seconds in – This character is confusing.
1 minutes in – Ah, the Circus of Fear. My favorite overused go-to Horror Trope.
5 minutes in – Well of course she did, she’s a good Fairy. It’s kind of her job.
6 minutes in – Heh, she can only stay a minute but she has time to sing a fist-pumping ode to the Power of Love.
7 minutes in – Attack of the Glitter!
9 minutes in – That music looping constantly in the background makes me all giddy.
10 minutes in – Fievel wants his hat back, kid. Actually, he wants his whole design aesthetic back.
12 minutes in – I understand the Jiminy Cricket/G. Willikers gag and I hate myself for it. :(
14 minutes in – I like how nobody in the crowd is going, “Holy sh*t, a talking raccoon!”
15 minutes in – Wait, is this really the same circus we saw earlier?
20 minutes in – Their first night is their last night?
22 minutes in – Right here is where things take a turn for the creepy. But it’s still boring.
24 minutes in – Somehow, neither Pinocchio reverting back to being a puppet nor the puppet master guy are half as creepy as Pinocchio having a crush on a puppet!
27 minutes in – Dude, you cannot say a damn thing. You are a male bee dressed as an old-timey pilot guy.
34 minutes in – Creepy…
36 minutes in – See, the parts of this movie that aren’t terrifying are really, really boring. I need more coffee.
42 minutes in – So here’s a giant, grotesque toad with fleshy human hands (complete with nails) to break the boring-ness of the cute little bug village subplot.
53 minutes in – Here’s our boringly obvious Monstro stand-in to complete the roster.
55 minutes in – And here’s where the movie finally picks up. Because from here on in, it is *really* f___ed up.
57 minutes in – Alright, use the exact same piece of animation over and over and I eventually have to point it out.
58 minutes in – “Your soul. Heck, let’s throw in your mind, heart, brain, consciousness, Essence, whatever you call that thing that reminds you to wake up in the morning…”
1 hour in – AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!  WTF?!?
1 hour, 2 minutes in – Further Glitter Attacking and Pinocchio/Twinkle Creepiness!
1 hour, 3 minutes in – AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! For different reasons! Noooooooooooo!!!!!
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Wait a damn minute. Is the message here, “Never have fun”? I guess it was meant to be “Don’t give in to temptation”, but it comes out more like, “If you ever enjoy yourself at all the Emperor of Nightmares will enslave you” or something
1 hour, 8 minutes in – Damn, way to layer the guilt on the kids. Now it’s “Every time you do something somebody else tells you to, you hurt the Blue Fairy.”
1 hour, 11 minutes in – Pinocchio is officially creepier than the Emperor.
1 hour, 12 minutes in – I totally stand by the above statement. The Emperor is just a dick.
1 hour, 13 minutes in – The Power of Love!!!
1 hour, 14 minutes in – Dude?!
1 hour, 16 minutes in – AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH YET AGAIN!!! WTF?!?
1 hour, 18 minutes in – Guess it’s time to break out that Power of Love again.
1 hour, 21 minutes in – AAAAAAAAHHHH the creepy implications!!!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“I have a feeling you and the lovely Twinkle are really going to hit it off!” – Puppetino
“Never mind what it is! Just drink it! It’ll make you feel great!” – Some kid that is definitely NOT named Lampwick, no sirree.
“Dreamin’ and dancin’! / Do what makes you happy! / …No-one to scold you / No-one to hold you…” – Twinkles “Following your dreams means you’ll have to separate yourself from everyone and everything you love” song

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Sunflowers are pink.
* – Pickerel = Sharks.
* – If you meet someone whose eyes flash red in total darkness, f-ing RUN! Man, I shouldn’t even have to point that one out.
* – You can avoid being sued by Disney if your characters are *just* different enough.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
There’s a gender-confused bee and a monkey who is a dead ringer for JarJar Binks. So that’s a no.
Good Soundtrack? The funny thing is, the songs are actually pretty good.
Hot Guys? Unless you are like Pinocchio and have a creepy dead-eyed puppet fetish…
Pretty Scenery? Eh.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Dude, it’s Filmation.

Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you can tell the writers are only familiar with Disney’s version of Pinocchio and that their heads would asplode if they read the original Carlo Collodi book.

Head Movie Potential? Ummm… by the time the drugs kick in, you’d be in the scary Nightmare Land scenes. It’s your call.

Rating: Danny rating (2)
A Showtime Kids plush Danny doll that has fallen into the wrong hands, if you know what I mean (and face it, we both wish we didn’t.  Noooooooooooo!!!!! )
Credits
A Filmation Film made in 1987. Written by Robby London and Barry O’Brien and directed by Hall Sutherland.
Related Links
IMDB entry
TV Tropes page


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