YouTube is proof that God loves us 80′s kids and wants us to be happy.
And I’m just putting this out there: if any one show needed an Abridged Series…
I’m not doing the same thing I did with “Star Wars”. I’ll do “The Best Parts” on an episode-by-episode basis. The other way was too unwieldy.
The whole shebang is based upon this lovely play list on the YouTube. Which is good, because videos of this thing are hard to find. Let’s see how well this show holds up a decade later, shall we?
The Best Parts:
“New Heroes on the Block” written by Bruce A. Faulk
The gang gets bored and imagine themselves having fun adventures. As I recall, this is actually one of the better episodes. Of course, being the best episode of a Celebrity Toon is like being the one marshmallow Circus Peanut that isn’t stale.
1 minutes in – The opening titles. I swear, they were ripped off by the “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith” commercial. Observe!
2 minutes in – Presented in glorious Seizure-Inducing Vision!
4 minutes in – The hell? Is Biscuit the main character? Or Dick Scott? Or Nikko? Even as a kid I wondered this.
6 minutes in – OK, so, Danny has just changed into the Incredible Hulk. This is after he was Frankenstein. Now he’s at the mall to see what caused his transformation and to help people. This is the first sign that the people who made this show were high.
9 minutes in – They just stopped trying with the accents. Heh. Also, note that Jordan gets the romantic fantasy and that Jon just won’t stop complaining.
10 minutes in – I can almost hear the animators going, “Waaaahhh! We’d rather be working on ‘Batman’!”
12 minutes in – I may need more coffee before Joe’s Obligatory “Star Wars” Parody.
12.30 minutes in – “So did the people writing this show! Ha-ha!”
13 minutes in – These names must have taken WEEKS to think up.
14 minutes in – “Oh gee, sorry we spoiled the big twist in the Original Trilogy…”
16 minutes in – Horrible English accent on top of horrible *New* English (?) accent. It’s like a Horrible Accent Perfect Storm!
18 minutes in – By the way, why would you use something made of glass as an archery target? (Pause.) Oh. Wait, that’s cheating!
19 minutes in – Oh man, if there’s no laser show at the concert, I will be wikkid disappointed.
(NOTE: There wasn’t, but I wasn’t disappointed either. The show was awesome.)
20 minutes in – “Go Team Venture!” And that’s the cue for the Obligatory Song.
22 minutes in – “Captain Planet! He’s a hero!” Wait…
“New Kid in the Class” written by Mark McCorkle and Robert Schooley
Poor Joey just wants to be normal. Also, the gang has a run-in with scary obsessed fan girls and a football player who says he hates them but…
1 minutes in – “Uh, yeah, yeah. Let me *try* to explain what you’re about to see in this episode.”
3 minutes in – The hell? (Is every episode going to start with me saying this?) Also, the tutor’s hair.
4 minutes in – This little gag caused SO much playground grief. Especially painful because, at the time, everything had a licensed video game. EVERYTHING! It really is amazing, in hindsight, that the New Kids didn’t.
6 minutes in – “Oh no!!! Our fans like us!!! How awful!!!”
9 minutes in – Err… Foe Yay?
11 minutes in – “YOU!!!!!” (I like to pretend Donnie is addressing the writers here.)
12 minutes in – “ZOMG some random guys who do not look like the New Kids holy crap!!!”
13 minutes in – And here’s Fanny. We’ll talk more about her if there’s an episode where she has a bigger role.
15 minutes in – SO much Foe Yay.
17 minutes in – Yes, that’s a really inconspicuous getaway vehicle, Foe Yay guy. Good jarb.
18 minutes in – Everybody! “Her name is Rio and she dances in the SAAAAAAND!!!”
19 minutes in – Happy Alvis Day! Also, vote for Al Gore.
“In Step, Out of Time” written by… some guy (the credits were cut)
After Dick Scott suffers a nightmare that will make you swear off drugs, the gang help a woman with gigantic eyes and her brother, Bill Cosby (seriously, look at him), learn to dance in the most relentlessly off-model episode.
1 minutes in – “I know Kung Fu!”
2 minutes in – What the hell?
No, I really mean it this time.
4 minutes in – Rain of Stereotypes!
5 minutes in – Was that dancing or were they all having some kind of traumatic intestinal distress?
7 minutes in – “Brave Bird! With your Golden Dreams! Flying high! Flying HIGH! AMERICA!!!!!“
9 minutes in – This little scene makes it clear that they had, like, eight different background character models.
10 minutes in – You know what, I’m just going to stop saying “what the hell”, because it pretty much covers the whole episode.
11 minutes in – Yeah.
12 minutes in – Yeah.
14 minutes in – “LOL, I just pooped on the floor.”
15 minutes in – “Matt Day-MUN!!!”
18 minutes in – “Or even better, we can parachute in! I always wanted to be in something where my big entrance would be to parachute into things!”
“Missed, Kissed, and Double-Dissed” written by… some guy
The fact that Jon is the butt monkey gets underlined in heavy red crayon.
1 minutes in – “I got my flannel on and my Starbucks coffee! Let’s go save a Spotted Owl and listen to Nirvana while running for cover from the rain!” (Seriously, it wouldn’t be out of the question to hear a character say that.)
6 minutes in – Credibility just broke.
9 minutes in – OK, that gag was kinda cute.
12 minutes in – Hey, he’s like Micah Sanders!
13 minutes in – Because a Shar-pei can outrun a… I don’t know what that thing is called.
14 minutes in – How did he get his sidecar back?
17 minutes in – Yeah, this is probably the strangest plot twist we’ll see today.
18 minutes in – “F— yeah parachutes!”
19 minutes in – Aw, it’s just like “Band of Brothers”.
“Overnight Success” written by Janis Diamond and Gordon Bressack
The gang goes camping in a crazy forest where there are canyons and flash floods and Grizzly Bears who can drive jeeps.
2 minutes in – Stock footage of the lovely Maine forests!
5 minutes in – Ok, so this is Fanny. She is Fan-Dumb incarnate and one of the most annoying characters ever. She is the leader of all the scary-obsessed fans we’ve seen in this show so far. Now if there is a stranger place to openly mock fan girls than this show, I’d love to know about it.
7 minutes in – Well, that was a stupid thing to do.
8 minutes in – We made a shelter for the night and a campfire! Let’s dance!
9 minutes in – “Honestly, I was hoping you’d kill and clean a deer with your bare gorram hands.”
12 minutes in – I do kind of like how the girls are having *no* problems at all.
13 minutes in – Shirtless scene! Also, FISH CAN’T WINK!
15 minutes in – I don’t EVEN know what I could say that’d make this scene more insane.
16 minutes in – Bear is driving? How can that be?!
17 minutes in – Yes, because the idea of having a dog follow a scent trail to help you find something is just stupid.
18 minutes in – “Pom-Poko POM!”
“Sheik Of My Dreams” written by the ever-prolific some guy
Jordan wants to meet a girl who loves him for his personality and not his extreme Bishie-ness (or for the fact that he’s, you know, in a Boy Band).
Meanwhile, there is a princess from an unspecified pan-Asian/Middle-Eastern kingdom who wants to meet a guy who loves her for her personality and not her beauty (or for the fact that she’s, you know, a princess.)
If you cannot tell what direction this episode is going to go in, I will hit you.
42 seconds in – That was a stupid thing to say, Jordan. What were you thinking?
3 minutes in – What better place to avoid our scary obsessed fans than a crowded mall?
4 minutes in – Once again, I don’t EVEN know what I could say to make this scene more insane. Imagine if you were out shopping and you saw this happening.
5 minutes in – … … … w-o-w… …
7 minutes in – “I’ll use my crazy off-model eyes!”
8 minutes in – “I am going to avoid controversy by specifically not naming Our Country!”
10 minutes in – Ah, racism.
11 minutes in – Just in case all you fangirls out there are idiots, Fanny is here to assure you that Jordan isn’t actually getting married in real life.
14 minutes in – “Oh… I guess I’m kind of a hypocrite then.”
15 minutes in – “Talk to my giant off-model hand!”
16 minutes in – So did they do the sound effects for the hoof beats by literally drumming their nails on something?
17 minutes in – Yes, all the crazy stuff that has gone down is your fault, King.
18 minutes in – Bishie Sparkle Power!
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Let’s bust a move!” – Would it matter which character said it, really?
“Posse up!” – Ditto for this one.
“Your timing was hype, bro!” – Jordan as Zorro
“One minute, New Kids! Next minute, NO Kids!” – Biscuit (I just died a little inside typing that)
“I think the hip-hop converter’s overhyped and the whacko meter’s totally whacked!” – Jordan
“I had this totally ballistic dream!” – Danny
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – There is no better forum in which to openly mock the scary-obsessive nature of New Kids on the Block fan girls than in… a show directed at New Kids on the Block fan girls.
* – There is a laboratory out there dedicated to phenomenon related to Boy Bands.
* – The NKOTB tour bus was driven by Sara Bellum.
* – Wookies can have Mohawks. Hell, Wookies should have Mohawks. And pigtails.
* – Voice actress Cree Summer is a very good sport.
* – There is a place, near Seattle, named Nowhere.
* – And it has it’s own airport.
* – Men from Maine like to play with whips.
* – And with Emerald Boas. Because they are found in Maine. Along with the Grizzly Bears. Accept it without question!
* – Grizzly Bears have hypnotic electric fields.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Nikko the wonder dog!
Good Soundtrack? Yup.
Hot Guys? Let’s just say that the character models… do not look anything like the actual New Kids.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? No. Very, very, very no. I’ve only seen worse, more off-model animation in “The Christmas Tree“.
Drinking Game Potential? Possibly the easiest drinking game I’ve ever come up with: drink when people from California should never, EVER try a New England accent. Also, drink when someone is off-model and every time they do their “Go Team Venture!” thing.
Head Movie Potential? The writers were pretty obviously on drugs, so why not join the party?
Seems appropriate to give the show as a whole a frighteningly off-model Danny.
A DiC studio series made in 1990. Directed by Dominic Orlando.
TV Tropes entry – Written by yours truly.