“You hear that, Ms. Monster? That is the sound of inevitability…”
I may have to explain the significance of this particular review to a few people. You know that everyone who cares about movies has got one movie that they count as the Worst. Movie. EVER. When you find that movie, it means that in the future, you can be watching the most boring, stupid waste of time ever committed to film and still be able to say, “Well, this is not as bad as [whatever your Worst. Movie. EVER. is]“.
For me, that movie, the movie that wrecked the grade curve in awful for me, is something called “Theodore Rex”.
I don’t even know how to explain “Theodore Rex”. It is an extremely loose rip-off of “Blade Runner”. With anthropomorphic animal-people. And Whoopi Goldberg. The titular character is a tyrannosaurus-man who wants to be a cop and is addicted to milk and cookies. The movie has no idea what it even wants to be; a goofy kiddie comedy with people in animal costumes running around or a serious adult drama about a distopian future craphole. Listen, you remember that insane “Super Mario Brothers” movie? Yeah. THIS IS WORSE!!!
It is a direct-to-video movie, and normally that would give you a good idea of how to brace yourself. But here is one of the things that blows my mind about “Theodore Rex”: it was originally intended as a theatrical release. Keep that in mind if you watch it.
I hadn’t seen “Theodore” in many years and I thought it’d be pretty cool to review this for the Original Realm’s sixth year birthday. I’m actually pretty glad I did. For here is another thing that blows my mind about this movie: It’s not only even worse than I remember, it is bad in ways I can’t even describe. This is by far the most balls-to-the-walls ill-conceived movie ever made. The sheer insanity of what you see onscreen is actually pretty amazing.
And that’s why I’m actually happy I sat down and revisited Theo. After having watched and reviewed so many crazy movies, I felt I might be getting jaded; that nothing could be weird enough to capture my attention. Well done, Theo. Well done.
Don’t look too happy, though. You are STILL the Worst. Movie. EVER.
The Best Parts:
21 seconds in – I like to start stories with “A Billion Years Ago – IN THE FUTURE!” or something equally nonsensical and ludicrous. Now you know why.
2 minutes in – Malkovich? Malkovich? Barney?
2 minutes, 54 seconds in – Enter Theodore!
4 minutes in – I want a Cookie Launcher!
5 minutes, 42 seconds in – Enter Whoopi!
7 minutes in – If you haven’t gone “WTF even IS this?” yet, you are the most jaded person alive.
17 minutes in – Whoopi meets Theodore!
22 minutes in – Good God, this is worse than I remember!
25 minutes in – Theodore’s Mind-Meld!!!
26 minutes in – ANTHROCON!!!
27 minutes in – Roger the pervy Protoceratops!.
28 minutes in – What the hell could I say here?
34 minutes in – YT has gone berserk!!!
35 minutes in -
DNA DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!
41 minutes in – Why?
45 minutes in – Again, why?
47 minutes in – More than ever before, I’d give anything within reason to know what the real animals are thinking here.
48 minutes in – FISH CRUELTY!!!
50 minutes in – “Ooh, shiny! GAHHHHH!”
55 minutes in – How uncomfortable does watching this make you feel?
56 minutes in – TREE CRUELTY!!!
59 minutes in – No, Toymaster! WHY???
1 hour, 2 minutes in – Yet again, WHY?
1 hour, 5 minutes in – Isn’t the sheer stupidity of this movie kinda impressive?
1 hour, 11 minutes in – No, really. After a while, it almost becomes awe-inspiring how incredibly stupid and weird this movie is.
1 hour, 15 minutes in – I think I’ve got an new theory for what’s going on in “Lost”…
1 hour, 16 minutes in – F*** it, I’m rooting for Kane.
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Fry unavailable for comment.
1 hour, 21 minutes in – Seriously, I am astounded by the pure ridiculousness onscreen here.
1 hour, 25 minutes in – Attack of the lens flare!!!
1 hour, 27 minutes in – It’s over! (I need a drink.)
Oh, and make sure you watch the collection of trailers included. Holy WTF?
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Did anything weird happen tonight?” – Theodore
“It’s kind of like… we FEEL for each other. It’s hard to explain.” – Theodore
“You ARE glando! Your mind has shut down and your glands have taken over!” – Whoopi
THEODORE: “I’ve got to blend in!”
ELLA: “Go to the zoo!”
“Good guano!!!” – Theodore
“I’m a fool for milk and cookies!” – Molly
WHOOPI: “Who are you?”
SOME RANDOM PUPPET: “I’m the guy in the bag!”
“This broad keeps poppin’ up!” – Spinner
THEODORE: “All this time you told me a good cop uses a gun!”
WHOOPI: “I was wrong! Your brain… use your brain…!”
Things I Learned from this Movie:
* – Tropical Swallowtail Butterflies are beautiful but they can kill you.
* – Slippers are an issue if you have large talons.
* – Cars are an issue if you have a long tail.
* – All Anthropomorphs are psychic friends.
* – Raccoons are a vulnerable species.
* – All Anthropomorphs are hippies.
* – Anthropomorphic Protoceratopses and Ceratosaurs need love too.
* – NOBODY needs a movie that is a rip-off of “Blade Runner” with Whoopi Goldberg and Barney in it.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? No.
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? Roger the pervy Protoceratops, if that does it for you.
Pretty Scenery? No.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? No.
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when Theo’s tail knocks something over. Drink whenever the Humans treat the Anthropomorphs like crap. Drink when they repeat dialogue just in case we missed something the first time.
Head Movie Potential? I realize now I should have gotten high for this..
If there were a rating worse than Jon I’d give it. How about Nikko, his dog? Or how about Nikko’s poop?
Credits None shall be spared here.
A New Line Cinemas Film made in association with J&M Entertainment and Shooting Star Entertainment in… who knows when, but it was unleashed on the unsuspecting public in 1995. Written and directed by Jonathan Betuel. Shame on you, Mr. Betuel. Shame!
Whoopi “WTF have I gotten myself into” Goldberg, Armin Mueller-Stahl, Juliet Landau, Bud Cort, Stephen McHattie, Jack Riley, Peter MacKenzie, Richard Roundtree, Carol Kane as the voice of Molly Rex, George Newbern as the voice of Theodore Rex, and Ponz Maar as the guy in the suit.
I am glad to see that I am not the only person to have experienced the 93 minutes of pure balls-out insanity that is “Theodore Rex”. The consensus between me and other reviewers online is that viewing “Theodore Rex” is like watching the videotape that starts all the trouble in “The Ring”, or meeting with a Lovecraftian demon of the Deep. Once you experience it, you are never ever the same. Only people who have gone through the same thing can really understand what it was like, so let’s compare notes.
The Unknown Movies – Contains more information about “Theodore Rex” than you’d ever want to know.
Head Injury Theater – Warning: he goes off on many a disturbing tangent, but he also has lots of screen shots.
Cold Fusion Reviews
Onion AV Club “My Year Of Flops” Review
“I Need Coffee” DVD Reviews
Total Media Bridge Review – Oh, why didn’t you listen to me!
TV Tropes Entry
The very understated Wikipedia entry – Says, “It was not received well.” A-ha.