You know, some day they are going to stop making big-budget turkeys that are wikkid fun to make fun of. When they do, I will be sad. This one is so shamelessly ludicrous, it was Belgian hilarious.
I think we all know the plot;
Act One – Roland Emmerich uses weather to trash all the places that didn’t get trashed by evil aliens a few years ago.
Act Two – “Finding Nemo” on ice.
And I think everyone who has seen this movie has their own favorite Totally Ludicrous Part. So with that in mind, I’m going to skip right on ahead to The Best Parts. Just be aware that the time scale here is approximate.
I tell ya, this movie is ten times more fun watching it in a theater full of unpredictable-weather-hardened New Englanders.
By the way, I didn’t get to do first-run movies very often at the original Realm. Let me just say that if your friends catch you furtively making notes while checking your watch (which you’re using because they’ve already made you absolutely mortified for bringing the good old stopwatch you’re used to using) all during the movie, you are going to be relentlessly teased.
The Best Parts:
4 minutes in – If nothing else, they’ve come up with an interesting way to make slushies.
5 minutes in – Totally Ludicrous Part #1 Hey, he’s like Aragon! (I have to admit, I thought this was pretty ludicrous in “Fellowship” too.)
8 minutes in – What Bizzaro-World is this where New England has “warm weather”?
11 minutes in – SHEEP!!!
19 minutes in – Yay. A *new* “Donnie Darko” theory.
21 minutes in – Prelude to a Totally Ludicrous Part CRAPPY C.G.I. ANIMALS!!! My God, they were my favorite characters.
24 minutes in – Um, no sh__. Welcome to New England.
25 minutes in – Haw haw haw!!! Take that you… um… nice-predictable-weather-having part of the world!
27 minutes in – Hooray for corporate synergy.
34 minutes in – So what you’re saying is, we need to drop a second magical salt mill into the sea!
Why are you looking at me like that?
36 minutes in – “Hello, audience! We’ll be your ragtag gang of loveable misfits for this evening!”
39 minutes in – Most ridiculous foreshadowing EVER.
42 minutes in – Another prelude to a Totally Ludicrous Part ATTACK OF THE -um- COLDNESS!!!
48 minutes in – Totally Ludicrous Part #2 Policemen, you are being paid to help people even if they speak French. Don’t stand there like an idiot waiting for somebody to tell you that they’re saying, “Please help us, you idiot”.
And tourists, wear your bag around your shoulder and keep your passport in your pocket at all times, just in case.
50 minutes in – RELEASE THE INCREDIBLY SLOW OCEAN!!!
52 minutes in – Argh. I need to use the Lady’s Room now.
58 minutes in – Boy am I glad I got back in time to hear these Important Plot Points. Aww, it’s just like “Finding Nemo”! And “Titantic”!
1 hour, 1 minutes in – Try this “share my body heat” thing on your mate at home and tell me what he/she says to you afterwards.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – Yet another prelude to a Totally Ludicrous Part “Ahoy, Good Ship Ridiculous Plot Point!”
1 hour, 5 minutes in – Oh, gee, thanks. I guess you’re assuming that because we’re used to it, we like it.
1 hour, 15 minutes in – “Quickly, to the Xanth novels!” (Ducks impotent flameage.)
1 hour, 24 minutes in – Totally Ludicrous Part #3 Dammit, I thought this situation was stupid in “J.P.2: The Lost World” too.
1 hour, 33 minutes in – Beginning of the Totally Ludicrous Jamboree!
1 hour, 34 minutes in – The Berkshires = Chopped liver.
1 hour, 35 minutes in – TOTALLY Totally Ludicrous Part #4 Say it with me. RELEASE THE CRAPPY C.G.I. WOLVES!!!!!
Oh my God! Okay, WHY did they not use real wolves? Or, better yet, have them be attacked by feral dogs? Or how about rats?
1 hour, 37 minutes in – Totally Ludicrous Part #5 RELEASE THE COLDNESS!!! And hang on, cause this gets better (or worse)!
1 hour, 40 minutes in – Hooray for ridiculous product placement.
1 hour, 44 minutes in – Totally, Totally, TOTALLY Ludicrous Part #6 My favorite of all. When it was over, I freakin’ applauded it.
Okay, they just OUT-RAN the COLDNESS!!! AND they SLAMMED a DOOR in it’s “FACE”!!!!! Class.
Not to mention that, meanwhile, Dennis Quaid and that other guy have HIDDEN from the Coldness in their little nylon L.L. Cool Beanz tent. I love this movie.
1 hour, 48 minutes in – Okay, these visuals are still pretty evocative.
1 hour, 51 minutes in – Hooray for ragtag gangs of loveable misfits!!!
1 hour, 57 minutes in – I want to see a sequel where all the snow thaws and they have to survive the World’s Longest Mud Season!
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“How could he fail you for being smarter than he is?” – Scientist dad guy
“Books can be good for some things OTHER than burning.” – Librarian lady
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
Oh man, what haven’t we learned?
* – Paleoclimatologist (that is to say, telling what the weather was in the past) is an actual job that somebody has.
* – Helpful Advice: If you find yourself on a new iceberg, move far, far away from the edge.
* – Chunks of ice are pretty but they can kill you.
* – Buoys are remarkably ominous.
* – So are seagulls.
* – So are whirligigs.
* – So is Boy George.
Oh, wait. “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” and he’s singing for the Earth. Oh, brother.
* – Helpful Advice to People in Nice-Predictable-Weather-Having Parts of the World: When you are caught in a big storm, do not stand there like a goon and look at it. Instead, you should f___ing RUN.
Also, don’t have sex in the middle of a big storm either.
* – Helpful Advice to A Small Group of Guys in a Little Shack in a Nasty-Weather-Having Part of Scotland: Do not EVER say anything to jinx yourself.
* – Rich a-holes have no sense of perspective.
* – Don’t go into a seemingly empty animal cage.
* – Gloves are for sissies.
* – Scary “Boom-Boom” music doesn’t exactly go with serene shots of space vehicles floating around.
* – Nylon L.L. Cool Beanz tents. Is there anything they can’t do?
* -Scotland is STILL the Lost World!
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? RELEASE THE CRAPPY C.G.I. WOLVES!!!!!
Good Soundtrack? No.
Hot Guys? I would classify Jake G. as more Oddly Endearing than Hot. And, please Jake, go back to doing Indie films where you’re a twisted little weirdo again. Pleeeease? We’ll love you forever!
(And of course, he went back to Indie films! Yay!)
Pretty Scenery? Yeah.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Well, aside from the cool shots of weather and stuff, ahem, RELEASE THE CRAPPY C.G.I. WOLVES!!!!!
Drinking Game Potential? Drink once when people die violently. Drink twice when Karma happens. For example, the bus driver is reluctant to let people on board, so he gets swept away by the Incredibly Slow Ocean. But the ragtag gang of loveable misfits make a point of rescuing the Gutenburg Bible and they acquire the ability to outrun coldness.
Head Movie Potential? No, not really.
Jordan. It IS a turkey, but we had lots of fun making fun of it.
A Lion’s Gate Film released in 2004 by 20th Century Fox. Written by Roland Emmerich and Jeffrey Nachmanoff and directed by Roland Emmerich.
Bilbo Baggins, Donnie Darko, Sir Bowan of the Old Code, and a lot of other people.