Happy Life Day!
Oh, come on, people. It’s not THAT bad.
The Best Parts:
2 minutes in – At the time I wrote this, I didn’t know who Harvey Korman was. Now I do, and I dedicate this review to him and to Bea Arthur.
5 minutes in – Best effects ever.
7 minutes in – Cirque du Soleil!
NOTE: Sadly, there was a bit of a gap in the copy I watched and it picks up when Mala is watching the yellow view screen. Sorry about any inaccuracies in the “X minutes in – Blah” from now on.
9 minutes in – Woah – Ground Control to Major Skywalker!
14 minutes in – Worst secret code EVER! (See “Classic Lines of Dialogue”)
15 minutes in – Happy Holidays, everyone. Here’s an ape with a meat cleaver!
19 minutes in – Yay! Exciting stuff!
Just as an aside, can you imagine being a little “Star Wars” fan back in the days before videotapes and having to watch things like this to get your fix?
20 minutes in – Kazook?
22 minutes in – Lumpy has the same computer that Ichiro from “Godzilla’s Revenge” uses!
29 minutes in – “You watched it. You can’t un-watch it!”
32 minutes in – Just be happy he’s on the right planet.
34 minutes in – SHUT THE HELL UP SHOPKEEPER GUY!
37 minutes in – “We built this city! (dee-dee-dee) We built this city on ROCK-AN’-ROLL!!!”
42 minutes in – Far-out. This could be the most 70′s thing ever.
43 minutes in – Good riddance, annoying Shopkeeper Guy.
44 minutes in – THE CARTOON! Holy sh*t, these are some terrifying character designs.
47 minutes in – Boba Fett!
49 minutes in – So, does that mean Boba Fett isn’t human? And don’t try to tell me that clones aren’t real humans.
BIOLOGY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!
54 minutes in – BANTHA CRUELTY!!!
My God, I didn’t hate the Empire before but now they’ve gone too f-ing far!!!
57 minutes in – So basically the announcer has just said that Amorphians suck.
1 hour in – Hold on, everyone. We’re over the hump.
1 hour, 2 minutes in – BEA!!!
1 hour, 6 minutes in – Owned.
1 hour, 9 minutes in – The Cantina Song!
1 hour, 10 minutes in – Is Bea Arthur singing to a Capybara?
1 hour, 16 minutes in – Wilhelm Scream!
1 hour, 19 minutes in – Ah, dammit, not this loser again.
1 hour, 22 minutes in – Life Day!!!
1 hour, 24 minutes in – The Life Day Song!
1 hour, 26 minutes in – “And they all grew up together in the Valley, generation upon generation. Each passing on to the next the tale of their ancestors’ journey to the Great Valley, long ago…”
(Again, imagine being a little “Star Wars” fan back in the days before videotapes and having to watch things like this to get your fix.)
Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“You’re wondering when that shaggy carpet you ordered will arrive at your home… It was made especially for you by a little old woman. You might say she did it by HANd! SOLO!!!” – Saundan the Annoying Shopkeeper
“With R2D2 as… R2D2!” – Announcer
“I hate fish!” – Imperial Guard
“Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, stir, stir!” – Elzar
“Oh, yes! I can feel my creation!” – Itchy’s Dream Woman
“Time now for life on Tatooine. Brought to viewers everywhere in the hope that our own lives may be uplifted by the comparison.” – Announcer
“Come back soon! I’ll be waiting!” – Bea Arthur
~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“You’re such a dear friend! / You know I’m here, friend. / Is that a tear, friend / in your eye?” – Bea Arthur’s song
“We celebrate a day of peace! / A day of har-mo-ny! / A day of joy we can all share / together joy-ous-ly! / A day that takes us through the darkness! / A day that leads us into might! / A day that makes us want to cel-e-brate the light!!! / A day that brings the promise / that one day we will be free! / To live, to laugh, / to dream, to grow, / to trust! To love! To be!!!” – Princess Leia’s song
Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – When Wookies get really old, they are attacked within a micrometer of their life by the dread Weapon of Mass Ugly.
* – “Groomers” are the Galactic equivalent of fruity smelling soaps. (They’re the default “I have no idea what you’d really like, but I’m pretty sure you like to clean yourself occasionally” gift.)
* – There ought to be a disclaimer before all instructional programs explaining how many prehensile limbs you are going to need.
* – Bea Arthur doesn’t care about Kappas.
* – Identification is REALLY important.
* – Life Day is a holiday celebrated by Wookies. It involves carrying a snow globe around, imitating the opening of “Bohemian Rhapsody”, walking up into the sky to meet everyone in this place that looks like a moon on the outside and a church on the inside, and listening to Princess Leia sing.
Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures? Wookies! And you learn more about them here than you ever needed to.
Good Soundtrack? It’s very, very 70′s.
Hot Guys? Uh… Luke looks very pretty here for some reason.
Pretty Scenery? “Star Wars” on a TV budget.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects/Illustrations? Again, “Star Wars” on a TV budget. As for the animated sequence itself, it is VERY 70′s (with terrifying character designs).
Drinking Game Potential? Drink when you hear the secret word, “Friend”. Be VERY careful with this one.
Head Movie Potential? Hell yes.
Danny and his furry family. It isn’t nearly as horrible as I’d been lead to expect. (No JarJar for one thing…)
A Smith-Hemion Production in association with 20th Century Fox Television. Aired on November 17, 1978. Written by Bruce Vilanch, Rod Warren, Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, and Mitzie Welch. Songs by Mitzie and Ken Welch. Directed by Steve Binder.
Pretty much everyone involved with Episode 4, seriously. Also, Bea Arthur, Dihann Carroll, Jefferson Starship, Art Carney, and Harvey Korman. Peter Mayhew, Mickey Morton, Paul Gate, and Patty Maloney as the Wookies.
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