Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/27/2009

“Freddy the Frog” review

(1/13/04)

DISCLAIMER: I love people from France.

(AKA “Freddy as F.R.O.7″)  Okay, I had a long night last night (at the time of writing) thanks to a Lemon liqueur with an aspirin chaser. So now you know where this review is coming from. The fourth time I woke up, it was nearly dawn, so I said to myself, “F___ it, I’m awake. Hey, let’s watch that movie that my cousin said I’d find ‘amusing’!”
“Amusing” is a good description for “Freddy the Frog”. Completely f___ing incomprehensible is an even better description.

Let me see if I can give you a plot summary. A long time ago, in a magic castle in France, there lived Prince Freddy. He lived with his father, the King, and his Auntie. Not only were they all royalty, they were also wizards. But while Freddy and his father used their magic for good, Auntie was EVIL!!! Evil Auntie killed the King and then she turned Freddy into a frog and tried to kill him. Freddy the Frog Prince escaped with the help of the Loch Ness Monster, who brought him to a nice pond out in the woods where he hid out with amphibians for a time. There, he acted something like a cute, aquatic David Blaine. But because his past kept haunting him, Freddy turned himself into a human-sized anthropomorphic frog and went out into the world.
OK, wait a damn minute.  If Freddy can transform, why didn’t he change back into a man? Did he miss being human and yet enjoy being a frog so much that he became a compromise of sorts? Did he simply not care what anybody thought when they saw a six foot tall Rana pipiens walking around? Furthermore, if Freddy can shapeshift, then why does he never again make use of this ability? Lastly, isn’t this kind of theorizing supposed to be the screenwriter’s job?
Anyway, Freddy went off to use his incredible magic to battle the forces of evil for a hundred thousand years. And I’m going to stop here. Because this is just the PROLOGUE. Yes, all that trippy *isht* happens BEFORE THE ACTUAL MOVIE BEGINS!!!
You got it kids. We have finally found a worthy successor to “Epic”.
I like how up until all that crazy stuff happens, this movie is almost totally innocuous. If you read the title, or if you looked at the cover art, or even if you sat through the opening credits, you’d have very little idea as to how truly demented this movie is. I am reminded of the blink-and-you-miss-it theatrical run “Freddy” had in America (which I swear to you DID happen, cause I remember seeing commercials for it), and I would give anything within reason to find a serious review of it. And I have seen copies of “Freddy” lurking in many chain video stores ready for some unsuspecting parent to bring home for the kids. I wish I knew what their reactions were.

The Best Parts:
2 minutes in (opening credits) – First sign that this is going to be a STRANGE film: Director of Photography? For an animated movie?
5 minutes in – Hey, the narrator (James Earl Jones, please note) doesn’t know that the cat isn’t happier as a chicken.
6 minutes in – Between “Freddy” and “Storybook” and “the Land of Faraway“, what’s the deal with mean aunties in these movies? (But please note that, for a change of pace, “Babes in Toyland” had a mean *uncle*!)
7 minutes in – Oh that sucks.
9 minutes in – Two minutes after his transformation, and Freddy is ALREADY hallucinating? And hasn’t this kid ever watched how frogs swim?
10 minutes in – W-h-a-a-a-a-a-t???
12 minutes in – Aw, f___ me. >.<
15 minutes in – So I guess as long as he’s the frog prince, Freddy’s interspecies flirting is okay. Right…
26 minutes in – AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! “THEODORE REX” FLASHBACK!!!!!
28 minutes in – Freddy and his magic car just randomly ran over those people?!?
32 minutes in – “G.I. Joe” flashback!
33 minutes in – EVIL RAVE!!!
39 minutes in – What the hell?
40 minutes in – You’d think Freddy would be more careful with that.
41 minutes in – Uh…… what?
45 minutes in – Oh, so it’s a Bore-You-to-Death-with-History-Stuff ray.
46 minutes in – Wow. That was all kinds of wrong.
47 minutes in – {in-character}”F_________________ YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!”{/in-character}
48 minutes in – Huh. Well it sucks to be Scotty, then, doesn’t it?
54 minutes in – I want to change my handle now. :(
56 minutes in – Watch the animation of Duffers during this bit. Pay attention especially to her head. Wha??? Psy-yi-yi... duck?
57 minutes in – You’re sure you want to break that?
59 minutes in – Wow. Just like in the “Matrix” trilogy.
1 hour in – That has to hurt.
1 hour, 4 minutes in – That sucked a great deal.
1 hour, 5 minutes in – It’s a good thing that Freddy CORRECTLY assumed that’s how the Bore-You-to-Death-with-History-Stuff ray worked.
1 hour, 6 minutes in – Hooray for sequel set-up!

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“A fantasy of a new kind!” – Amusing title card
“This is as far as I can take ye; I ‘afta git back t’bonny Scotland! But if ye ever need me, dearie, jus’ whistle!” – the Loch Ness Monster (Kill me.)
“Freddy realized he had to make a choice: to fight EVIL, or to stay with his frog friends.” – the Narrator
“Ze only weapons Ah use are thoughts. Ze powers of ze mind always win over weapons!” – Freddy (Ben Kingsley, please note)
“Help! Help! I’ve jus’ come across a dead frog!” – Scotty
“Oh, Freddy! Give me frogs any day!” – Duffers (WHAAAT!?!)
Duffers: “Don’t you ever get afraid, Freddy?”
Freddy: “Mmm, NON. We frogs are very cold-blooded.”

~*~ Poetry Corner ~*~
“I can stroke you with my tail / but my powers never fail! / See how your Queen’s eyes shine! / Your world is mine!!!” – Evil Auntie (Grace Jones, please note) singing at the EVIL RAVE

“We’re gonna dance ’til the sea gets hot! / We’re not lookin’ for trouble! / We’re just blowin’ bubbles!” – the other Clan Ness

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Some snakes are so hideous, people just die around them.
* – A water dragon will not eat a frog that is smaller than her eyeball.
* – Frogs are telekinetic.
* – A frog’s normal environment is a ragtime band.
* – Toads do not hibernate through the winter; instead they like to ski.
* – If you’re a tourist (or a pair of migratory birds) and famous landmarks start randomly vanishing, it means that you need to go home.
* – Gutter-Punk crows hold a lot of political weight in Great Britain.  (OK, they are supposed to be the famous Ravens of the Tower of London, but look at them)
* – Frogs know Kung-Fu!
* – People from Scotland have astonishing lung capacities.
* – Quoting from Pete’s Evil Overlord List, “Don’t turn into a snake. It never helps.”
* – When you use the same thirty seconds or so of animation of the King talking to Freddy over and over through the whole movie, the audience is going to notice.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Let me just say this. I know why people wanted me to watch this. Har-dee-har-har.
Good Soundtrack? Actually, yes. Lots of British musicians that hadn’t been heard from here in America since the 80’s. And the songs are actually really good. It’s just kind of depressing to hear so many 80’s musicians in something like this.
Hot Guys? No, but there’s a disturbing amount of attempts at sexual tension between Freddy and Duffers (see “Classic Lines of Dialogue” above). Ugh.
Pretty Scenery? I still want to know why you need a D.P. for your ANIMATED movie.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects? It’s different, I’ll say that.

Drinking Game Potential? I don’t wanna hear another word about drinking. On the other hand, won’t ye be a dearie an’ and chug yer way through the Loch Ness Monster scenes? }:=8} (Now you know why I hardly use the dragon smiley. It is stupid.)

Head Movie Potential? Did I not say that this is the first truly worthy successor to “Epic”? For the first time since then, I get to say this: There aren’t enough drugs in the world.

Rating: Danny rating (2)
Danny and a half. It’s so completely insane, you all have to watch it at least once.

Credits
Shapiro Glickenhaus Entertainment presents a Hollywood Motion Pictures (of London) Ltd. Production made in 1995. Released on home video in an unsuspecting United States by MCA Universal Home Video, Inc. Written by Jon Acevski and David Ashton. Directed by Jon Acevski (definitely the soul-brother of Yoram Gross). Director of Photography, Rex Neville. Songs and voices performed by a lot of people who should have known better.
Related Links
IMDB page
Wikipedia page


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